Yes, Dear! (1996)

(written for the NUMB News, 3/31/96)
It seems my darling wife is of the opinion that I spend too much time on NUMB League baseball. I'm obsessed, she says. It's unhealthy, she argues, to dwell on this sort of stuff. It's just fantasy, she says, and therefore without any redeeming value.

As a noted sports enthusiast and as one who is so deeply involved with her own Babes/Spousals league entry, I naturally welcomed Kathy's thoughts and opinions. And I naturally tried to enlighten her as to the joys of NUMB-ball. Bad move.

I tried to explain that this whole NUMB thing was, in many ways, my idea; that I enjoy being Commissioner; that being Commish is a commitment like any other; that although it does take some time, it's not a huge amount of time; that the NUMB League is just about my only remaining diversion; etc., etc.

Well, aren't I the moron? I really should have known better. I mean, when was the last time you successfully explained something to your spouse? I should have just taken my medicine, said "Yes dear", and been done with it. But I didn't. And so, since I'm so clearly an obsessive, unhealthy, time-wasting fool, certain small concessions must be made in the interest of domestic tranquility. To wit:

In the past, you've phoned lineup changes to me on the appropriate Sunday night. I'm now requesting that you fax them to me as early as you can on Monday. Yes, this assumes you have access to a fax at work and that you can fax a baseball lineup on job time without getting your butt in a sling. If faxing won't work for you, it's still OK to call.

If you call, please use my office number for baseball matters, not my home number. If I'm not in, leave a message. Kathy informs me she will erase any baseball messages left on the machine for our home number, so please call my office.

Kathy further informs me that she will tell me when I'm "obsessing" on baseball. When this occurs, I'm to cease and desist immediately or risk God-knows-what sort of consequences. If you'd like to know how many times I've obsessed in 1996, just call my wife for an up-to-the-minute count.