Friday, December 31, 2010
Guv Elect John Kasich has said "Ohio is open for business" and his administration is anxious to "exploit the wonders of our state", including drilling for oil and gas in state parks, and possibly even in Lake Erie. Oh, goody!
John-Boy's new Director of Ohio Natural Resources is a former AEP executive who now runs an oil and gas company in Dubai (that petro-drunk Arab country with man-made islands shaped like palm trees).
And his new head of the Ohio EPA is a former executive at Perdue Foods, one of the largest commercial poultry operations in the world. (If you look up "environmental protection" in the dictionary, the antonym is Perdue Chicken.)
Don't look for much in the way of regulation or enforcement from this pair of tools. John-Boy clearly intends to plunder our natural resources and set us adrift on a river of oil and chicken shit, all so a handful of corporate bigwigs can make a quick buck.
Let the raping and pillaging begin!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
In one final Greeting of the Season, Buster happily shares Tom Lehrer's classic "Christmas Song". Here's wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a Rockin' Ramadan, a Kwazy Kwanzaa, a Super Solstice, or whatever floats your boat!
(Here’s a little seasonal ditty about something which we all most sincerely believe in. I refer, of course, to money.)
Christmas time is here, by golly.
Disapproval would be folly.
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don’t say when.
Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Fill the punchbowl, drag out the dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens
Brother, here we go again.
On Christmas Day you can’t get sore.
Your fellow man you must adore.
There’s time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty four.
Relations sparing no expense ‘ll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil.
“Just the thing I need. How nice.”
It doesn’t matter how sincere it
Is or how heartfelt the spirit.
Sentiment will not endear it.
What’s important is . . . the price!
“Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things!”
“God rest ye merry merchants,
May ye make the Yuletide pay!”
“Angels we have heard on high
Tell us to go out and . . . buy!”
So let the raucous sleighbells jingle
Telling us of old Kris Kringle
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don’t stand underneath when they fly by!
This is our cat, Jack. He's also known, variously, as Captain Jack (for the black eye patch), Fat Jack or Hungry Jack (for obvious reasons), or Jack-Ass (for disturbing the domestic tranquility of the Buster Gammons household).
Jack is still not a year old, but he's already enjoyed a lifetime of mischief. Among his many achievments:
He plays the piano.
He types gibberish on my computer and tries to attack the cursor.
He has somehow pulled up Facebook on my wife's computer.
He eats flower arrangements and knocks over the vase to drink the water. (Does not mop up.)
In the middle of the night, he has turned on the water in the kitchen sink. (Doesn't turn it off -- water is running in the morning.)
He turns on lights. (Fluorescent fixture with a pull chain above the dryer.)
On the losing end (literally) of a cat fight, was bitten in the behind. The other cat tore him the proverbial new one. Nuthin' a couple hundred bucks at the vet can't fix.
He found an unopened back-up bag of cat food on the basement work bench, somehow ripped the bag open and ate his fill.
When using the litter box, Jack is like a shortstop turning the doubleplay -- it's the old "neighborhood" play. His aim is in the neighborhood of the box.
Jack is a true omnivore, eating anything and everything as often as possible. But he simply adores bread and butter. He chews through the plastic bag to eat the loaf inside. And he's broken several covered butter dishes. He pushes them off the counter, they shatter on the floor, and he jumps down to lick the butter.
We're gonna get him a toaster for Christmas!
Ohio State football players Terrelle Pryor, Boom Herron, Devier Posey, Mike Adams, and Solomon Thomas have just been suspended by the NCAA for the first 5 games of the 2011 season for receiving improper financial benefits. These geniuses decided to sell their Big Ten Championship rings, Gold Pants, and team jerseys. (Glad that swag means so much to you! Jeez!) They also received big discounts on tattoos. (How exactly does the NCAA establish retail value for a tattoo? And I've seen the ink on these guys. I sure hope they didn't pay full price for that ugly shit!)
So their asses are suspended and they have to pay/donate $1000 to $2500 to charity. (Since they can't sell their sweaty old uniforms, how are these Simon-pure student-athletes supposed to come up with the money?)
Plenty of blame to go around here, including the coaches, the AD, and the inscrutable NCAA. But to get right to the heart of the matter . . .
Jocks, tattoos, jocks with tattoos = Dumb, dumber, dumbest.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It's truth-telling time. I'm a Facebook failure, a total washout. I tried, but I just can't get into it. It's hugely influential all over the world, it's changed the way people communicate, its founder was just named Time's Person of the Year, and meanwhile I haven't even checked my Facebook page in a month.
I joined Facebook a couple years ago, for a very good reason -- everybody else was doing it, so me too! And I could force my teenage son to friend me so I could spy on him via his page. It was OK. I became Facebook buddies with a small, predictable group of family, some old friends, and a few neighbors.
A few things soon became obvious:
1. Adolescent male drivel is no more interesting on Facebook than it is in person.
2. Adult drivel is even worse. I don't give a shit what you had for breakfast.
3. Worst of all, way too many people use Facebook inappropriately. It's THE go-to place for bullying, harassment, and crackpot conservative political/religious ranting.
Is it disingenuous for Buster (of all people) to object to political opinion on Facebook? Possibly, but I believe those who click on the link to Buster's Blog go there by choice and know what they're gonna get. If I go to your Facebook page, I'm hoping for light and breezy, not some bit of ugliness encouraging me to pray for the President's death.
So, in what's certainly an over-reaction, I rarely go to anybody's Facebook page anymore. These days, I almost never accept a friend request. And I had to unfriend a couple of over-sharing acquaintances who had not the slightest thought that they might want to self-censor the stupid shit they posted. Couldn't take it. The result is that while the average Facebook user has 150 "friends", I have about 15.
Facebook is the Land Of TMI. I may visit now and then, but I just can't take up residence. Hence, I fail. Oh well.
Friday, December 17, 2010
A study from the University of Maryland has found that regular viewers of Fox News are much more misinformed than viewers of other TV news outlets. The research showed that, statistically, Fox-bots are "significantly more likely" to believe that:
Stimulus spending caused job losses.
The health care bill increased the deficit.
The economy is getting worse.
Climate change is a myth.
Obama increased income taxes.
Obama initiated the auto bailout.
Republicans opposed TARP bailouts.
Obama was not born in the U.S.
Of course, none of these things are true. The study also found that increased viewings of Fox News led to increased belief in these misconceptions.
In an initial reply, a Fox News executive said, "Uh . . . Terrapins are, like, stoopid . . . and drunk . . . and they're turtles!" Later, another Fox official stated that a full repsonse would be forthcoming "as soon as we finish our big upcoming 'Earth Is Flat' expose."
This spring, former Blue Jays and Phillies G.M. Pat Gillick will be inducted into the Executive wing of the Baseball Hall of Fame. He was voted in by the Veterans Committee and is certainly a worthy choice.
But once again, Marvin Miller, former head of the Major League Baseball Players Association, fell just short of induction. And it's a shame. Under Miller's leadership, the player's union transformed itself and, in the process, changed baseball as well.
With the lords of the baseball realm kicking and screaming all the way, Miller ushered in the game's first collective bargaining agreement, salary arbitration, free agency and the end of the reserve clause, and the resultant ever-escalating multi-million dollar player contracts. Indirectly, those contracts spurred massive growth in TV and radio revenue. Owners loathed him, players loved him. No other person has done more to shape major league baseball as we know it today. The great broadcaster Red Barber put it this way: "Marvin Miller, along with Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson, is one of the three most important men in baseball history."
For years, the Veterans Committee was dominated by old owners and G.M.'s, and they effectively locked the old labor leader out of the Hall. That's changed now, and yet Miller somehow came up just one vote short. He's now 93 years old and under the Hall rules won't be on the ballot again until 2013.
I hope he makes it then, and I hope he's still around to see it, because he deserves it.
Our Governor-elect John Kasich held a press conference to announce his selection of Thomas Charles as Ohio's new Public Safety Director. He'll be the state's top law enforcement official. It just so happens that Charles' wife and son are both Highway Patrol officers. Nothing necessarily wrong with that. A reporter asked Charles if this might present a possible conflict of interest. Not an unreasonable question.
Charles didn't answer because Kasich butted in and launched into a diatribe: "We have so many stupid rules and regulations that prevent us from getting the best people to [work in government]. And I blame it on all of you (i.e. the media), all this 'transparency' and 'conflicts' and all this other stuff. I want to just tell you, it is a problem."
So let me see if I get you, John-Boy . . .
Doing whatever you want without restriction, GOOD. Rules, regulations, BAD.
Sugar-coated puffballs from the press, GOOD. Pertinent questions, BAD.
Secrecy and opacity, GOOD. Transparency, BAD.
Cronyism, nepotism, conflict of interest, GOOD. Independence and objectivity, BAD.
Does that just about sum it up?
He hasn't even taken office yet, and Kasich is already bitching because public government is not the same thing as his beloved private sector. No shit, Sherlock.
Venting his frustration, John-Boy complained, "I find myself tripping over anthills on the way to the pyramids."
Then pick up your fuckin' feet, dude!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
After years with 11, the Big Ten Conference will have 12 schools starting next year. Nebraska is the new addition, and it's all about money. The league can split into two divisions and have a conference championship between the division winners (at least for football). Another week of TV revenue! Yippee!
Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany announced that the two divisions will be known as "Leaders" and "Legends". Well, puke me! I'm sorry, but those names suck! (Are the Bucks a legend or a leader? I forget.)
The conference did it to itself. Neither of the two divisions have any geographic cohesion, so that rules out "East and West", "North and South". How about "Woody and Bo"? Maybe? I don't know. That sounds pretty contrived as well. I have no sure-fire alternatives, but I'd prefer any of the following names for the two divisions:
A and B
One and Two
This and That
6 Teams and 6 More Teams
Eggs and Bacon
Scotch and Soda
And for institutions of higher learning, many college conferences are pretty bad at basic math and geography. The Big Ten has 12 schools, the PAC Ten has 12, and the Big 12 has 10. The Big East has schools in Ohio, Kentucky, and Texas.
Monday, December 13, 2010
The Nixon Library just released more tapes from the notorious Oval Office recording system. To no one's surprise, they reinforce the fact that Richard Nixon was a nasty racist bastard, despite his claims to the contrary. Some of Tricky Dick's pearls of wisdom:
Israeli Jews are OK, but American Jews are "aggressive and obnoxious."
"Italians don't have their heads screwed on tight."
"The Irish can't drink. They get mean. Particularly the real Irish."
Black Americans won't become valuable citizens for "another 500 years. What has to happen is they have to be, frankly, inbred."
Nixon's been dead for years. Whenever a new batch of his tapes is released, his daughters probably wish they were too.
60 Minutes aired a bio piece on John Boehner last night. The soon-to-be Speaker of the House has a hell of a story. He grew up in a Democratic household, one of 12 kids in a 2 bedroom house. From the age of 10, he worked in his grandpa's bar sweeping and cleaning. He worked his way through college, then took a sales job with a plastics company. Eventually he rose to become president of that company. Truly admirable.
As a neo-millionaire business executive, he decided his business and personal income taxes were unfair, and so converted to the Republican Party. He took up golf and joined Cincinnati's Hyde Park Country Club, which to this day denies membership to blacks, hispanics and Jews. (Infamously, they once turned down UC god and NBA Hall Of Famer Oscar Robertson.) He moved his family to the exclusive (and lilly-white) suburb of West Chester. The community bylaws do not literally ban residence by Democrats, but they might as well. He was first elected as a State representative, then a U.S. representative, and is often reelected without opposition.
On TV last night Boehner demonstrated what a dramatically leaky faucet he can be. Whenever he feels the need to soften up his usual mean old horse's ass persona, he turns on the tears. It's remarkable, and it's bullshit. He said he can't visit elementary schools because the mere sight of little kids chokes him up. While sniffling and snotting all over Leslie Stahl, Boehner blubbered, "Making sure these kids have a shot at the American Dream like I did is important." (As if someone is holding kids back. Probably Obama.)
Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo, John! Boehner's version of the American Dream does not include Social Security, unemployment insurance, health insurance, Medicare, safety regulations, or labor unions. I guess he believes those things interfere with the American Dream.
Reality is that today's kids have the same shot he did, maybe even better in some ways. But taking the shot and making the shot can be two different things. We can't all grow up to be wealthy business owners.
Boehner seems to have forgotten this. For the sake of money and political power, he has forgotten and forsaken his own roots. Of his 11 siblings, 2 are unemployed and the rest work in blue-collar jobs. Interesting, isn't it? How much were they helped by tax cuts for millionaires?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
President Obama wanted an extension of emergency unemployment benefits (would increase the deficit). He also wanted to let the Bush tax cuts expire for top-bracket incomes over $250,000 (would decrease the deficit). I like his thinking on both counts. Congressional Republicans were opposed to the unemployment extension unless it was "paid for" (balanced by an equivalent spending cut). The R's were also adamant about keeping the tax cuts in place for all income levels, including gajillionaires (would increase the deficit). Typical GOP junk food.
So both sides got together, channelled Monty Hall, and chose Door Number 3, behind which Obama gave the R's two more years of their precious tax cuts for the rich, and they gave him 13 more months of unemployment benefits. But they also twisted his arm for a temporary cut in payroll (Social Security) taxes and a hefty cut to the estate tax.
The Republican hypocrisy in all this is simply stunning. The idea that the wealthy need and deserve an income tax break is indefensible. To reduce revenue in two other areas is mind boggling. Hey, R's! How is any of this "paid for"? It's not, not any of it. It increases the deficit (a lot), but the R's flat don't care. They got their tax cuts, and that's the only thing they truly care about.
New Rule: Republicans are no longer allowed to complain about the deficit. Not one word. Their credibility is less than zero. The Clinton-Era tax rates actually gave us a small budget surplus. Then Dubya's unfunded tax cuts and military adventures took us quickly in the other direction, and Republicans cheered all the while . Now the R's shake-down of Obama only takes us deeper in the hole.
Congressional Democrats are understandably pissed that Cousin Barry made a deal with Republicans on the tax issues. But it was probably the only way to get the unemployment extension. And some hard-right R's are upset about the deal's deficit implications. In the end, Democrats will almost certainly hold their noses and go along with it, and the thing will pass.
This political circus reminds Buster of three old sayings:
You can't please everyone.
A good compromise makes everyone unhappy.
When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Final note -- Faithful readers will recall that Buster is in favor of letting all the Bush tax rates expire on schedule, meaning rates would rise across the board. I'm joined in this opinion by conservative Senator George Voinovich and liberal economist Paul Krugman. (And apparently no one else.) Buster, George and Paul -- talk about strange bedfellows!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Recently, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Admiral Mike Mullen testified before a Senate committee and recommended that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" legislation be repealed. The pair said that a comprehensive study of the issue showed conclusively that military attitudes had changed since 1993, and a vast majority of today's servicemen and women simply don't care if some of their fellow soldiers are openly homosexual. It's simply a non-issue, no BFD. (And really, what a silly law it is. There have always been homosexuals in the armed forces, and always will be. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" doesn't prevent gays and lesbians from joining the military, nor does it attempt to remove them from current service. All it does is say please don't tell me about it.)
One Senator at this hearing had clearly not changed his attitude in the past 17 years, and for him, gays in the military was still an unholy BFD. Yep, it was the would-be President, Sen. John McCain (R, Ariz.). The "Maverick" showed his wrinkled old homophobic ass for all the world to see. McCain said all real soldiers want to keep gays out of the military. He told Gates and Mullen their study was shit, and they had no right to draw conclusions because neither was "commanding troops in the field." (Is McCain? Did he ever? As I recall, he spent the Viet Nam War at the Hanoi Hilton. Maybe his Viet Cong captors were gay Commies who constantly taunted him with their flaming Oriental fagginess. Could give a guy a bad attitude.)
McCain also predicted that Marines especially would not tolerate openly gay comrades and would quit the service and walk off the job. Jeez, I didn't know that Marines were so fragile and sensitive: "Sir, yes Sir! I will gladly wear a 100 lb. field pack. I will happily double-time it all day in the hot sun. I love to crawl through the mud on my belly. You can kick me, punch me, torture me, shoot me, but good Gawd, I ain't gonna serve with no homo! It's too scary!"
Buster is so glad that Old Straight Talk is not our President. It's bad enough he opened the Pandora's Box that is Sarah Palin, but having McCain's own bellicose rhetoric coming out of the Oval Office would be just too scary.
Both the PUCO and AEP agree: Based on their profit and loss statement (big profit, no loss), AEP overcharged us here in central Ohio by $149 million last year. If this excess profit were to be refunded, the average AEP customer would get back $102.
But AEP doesn't want to give us a refund. Instead, in their proposal to the PUCO, AEP proposes to voluntarily forego a scheduled 6% rate increase for next year. Such an increase would generate $114 million for AEP, and would add $78 to the average customer's annual bill.
So, let's review that math. AEP acknowledges overcharging us $149 million, but would like to keep $35 million of it anyway. Instead of giving me the $102 I'm owed, they want to give me $78 and tell me to be happy about it.
This sucker deal doesn't have final approval yet, but neither has the PUCO told AEP to fuck off. But I will.
"Hey, AEP! Gimme back my money, you bastards!"
Thursday, December 2, 2010
(From the "Funny Or Die" website)
Leslie Nielsen died recently, leaving behind an endless supply of quotable lines and some of the most brilliant instances of physical comedy ever put on film. But let's the focus on the former.
The lines. Coming from a dramatic acting background, Nielsen sold every ridiculous line he delivered, simply because you knew that his character was oblivious to that ridiculousness. He believed it. So you believed it.
His performance in Airplane! reinvented the spoof genre, leading to his casting in the short-lived Police Squad!, which of course led to The Naked Gun. When people complain that the current crop of spoofs don't hold a candle to these, the explanation is simple: Because the words are not coming out of Leslie Nielsen's mouth.
Here are some of his best quotes:
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No, I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
From Police Squad!
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then
Frank: Is there a ransom note?
Ed: Yes, the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
Frank: Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.
From The Naked Gun movies
Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you, whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.
Ed: You want to take a dinghy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Frank: No, the worst.
Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.
Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He's Caucasian.
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big moustache.
Frank: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: One, guns to be thrown down; Two, come on out!
Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Frank: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!
Quentin Hapsburg: Que sera sera... You do speak French, don't you?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.
Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.
Frank: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.
Ed Hocken: You might end up dead!
Frank: "You might end up dead" is my middle name.
Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
Frank: I don't know her middle name.
Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.
Frank: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.
Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Ed: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.
Frank: That's no way for a man to die. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine. Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!
Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Things are not perfect, but the economy is slowly but surely improving. Still, unemployment is too high. There are far too many who've been out of work for far too long.
Starting today, federal unemployment benefits will begin to expire for many thousands of people, with many more thousands to follow suit unless the governement acts to extend emergency benefits. Our official unemployment rate is still near 10%. In many such previous cases of hardship, our elected officials in Washington have never failed to act, have never before denied an extension of emergency benefits to those in need.
That was then, this is now. Merry Christmas from Mitch and John and all their big-hearted friends. Here's your lump of coal. Happy fuckin' New Year.
Responding to both dwindling ratings and viewer requests, the cable network TLC recently announced that the TV show Sarah Palin's Alaska will henceforth be available with English subtitles. Viewers should use the "Menu" function on their remote control, then select "SAP".
Like all Boomers, I grew up in the nuclear age (or as Dubya would say, "nuke-you-ler"). I remember the Civil Defense Agency, backyard bomb shelters, the Cuban missile crisis, and the Berlin Wall. We were just gonna crawl under our desks and everything would be OK. From my college days, there was the gallows humor of the popular poster shown at left.
Yet even in the darkest days of the Cold War, the U.S. and Russia still managed to work together to reduce nuclear weapons. The first treaties were in 1963. The START (Strategic Arms Reduction Talks) Treaties began in 1972 and have been periodically renewed ever since. It's been a mutual no-brainer, and on our side, Senate ratifications of each new START Treaty have always been pretty much automatic and virtually unanimous, no matter the politics of the moment.
Until now. Obama and Medvedev negotiated the current START Treaty and they're both cool with it. But Senate Republicans, led by John Kyl of Arizona (that goddam state again!), are ready to throw a wrench into the works by refusing to ratify the treaty in the lame duck session. Why? Merely to saddle Obama with a "defeat". He wants it ratified now, so therefore they're against it. No other real reason. Just another opportunity to fuck with him.
This is political gamesmanship of the most disgusting and dangerous sort, and is sadly typical of current breed of Republican. The START Treaty will expire and will need to be renegotiated all over again. How long will that take? World security takes a big step backwards, and we send a strange message of uncertainty to Russia, China, and those crazy North Koreans! But our Senate Republicans flat don't give a shit, as long as they can prevent an Obama "victory".
Are there enough reasonable Republicans left to cut through this nonsense and do the right thing, or will childish petulance rule the day? We're about to find out.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
President Obama is a basketball aficionado and during a recent pick-up game at the White House he took an elbow to his mouth. The resulting gash to his lip was closed with 12 stitches. The guy who threw the elbow was Rey Decerega of the Congressional Hispanic Institute. Decerega apologized to the President immediately and profusely.
Obama said there were "absolutely no hard feelings. It was unintentional and Rey's a good man. Of course, he can fuckin' forget about any immigration reform as long as I'm in office."
Obama also said the incident gave him new insight about dealing effectively with Congressional Republicans.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The referees at today's annual ass-kicking of Michigan were among the most priggish Puritans I've ever seen. Twice Ohio State players were flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct/excessive celebration in the end zone just after a Buckeye touchdown. Their sin? Making the Block "O" with their hands (while wearing Nike gloves made for just that purpose). Had never seen such a weenie penalty before.
After the game, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany said the zebras were simply enforcing a little-known rule which prohibits on-field players from "making letters, spelling, or conjugating verbs."
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
In a stunning reversal of policy, Pope Benedict XVI recently endorsed the use of condoms, albeit in a limited set of circumstances. The Vatican had previously opposed condom usage for any purpose, but His Holiness has now granted exceptions for "cases of health and life-saving, and other special cases." The Pope's ruling means rubbers are now green-lighted for devout Catholic prostitutes and promiscuous gay men, and of course for pedophile priests.
However, the Church continues to oppose the use of any prophylactic as a form of birth control. The Pope said it is still God's will that Catholic women get knocked up as often as humanly possible.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Seasonal sentiments from Bloom County (above) and Tom Lehrer (below):
We gather together to ask the lord's blessing
For turkey and dressing and cranberry sauce.
It was slightly distressing but now we're convalescing
So sing praises to his name and forget not to floss.
Our nearest and dearest we don't want confessing
It's sort of depressing to have them so near.
Our feelings supressing for lightly acquiescing
And perfectly professing we're glad they were here.
We gathered together and got the lord's blessing
Of course we're just guessing 'cause how can you tell?
Our stomach's are bloating
Our kidneys nearly floating
Hellos are very nice but goodbyes can be swell.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Yes, I know the Democrats got their butts kicked in the November mid-terms. I know they lost their majority in the House of Representatives and I know that weepy obstructionist John Boehner will soon be Speaker of the House.
But did you know that Barack Obama received 69,500,000 votes in the 2008 election? That total is the most votes cast for any American President ever. In contrast, Boehner got 181,000 votes in 2008 and 139,000 just a couple weeks ago.
National vs. local, I know, but keep those numbers in mind when the Speaker speaks. Orange John of tiny West Chester is very fond of telling us about "what the American people want." How the fuck would he know what America wants?
As you know, the Transportation Safety Administration has adopted new screening rules aimed at boosting air travel security. Ticket holders must agree to either a full-body scan (like an X-ray that makes your clothes invisible), or a full-body pat down (wherein they thoroughly feel you up and "touch your junk"). The TSA says if you refuse both, you will not be permitted to board the plane.
Some people are up in arms over this policy. They claim the body scans amount to nude photos of passengers, and the pat-downs are a form of molestation. There are rumblings about a passenger boycott.
Buster personally doesn't give a shit about appearing "naked" on an airport body scan (nuthin' to get excited about, believe me, and going downhill fast!), but can understand why some people are fearful of the "perv factor" and might not want security personnel to see them in their virtual birthday suit. So for those folks, the TSA needs to make the pat-downs a more attractive alternative.
The TSA just needs to hire a bunch of Hooters girls and Chippendale guys, and give each passenger a choice as to who administers the pat-down. Most men would queue up in the Hooters line, most women would opt for the Chippendales, and the gay/lesbian segment could flip a coin.
It'd be great. I can see it now: "NO! Body scans are UNCONSTITUTIONAL! I will NOT let you look at me naked! This is a violation of my RIGHTS!! I am NOT a terrorist and I will NOT put up with this government TYRANNY!!! But I'd really like to be frisked by that blonde girl over there."
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sarah Palin has written a book. (OK, stop right there! Better make that "written". Sarah Palin is a writer in the same way Milli Vanilli were singers. Sarah Palin has so much trouble with English, you can't even say it's her second language -- it's like she has no first language! Somebody else wrote her fucking book for her. The only writing she's gonna do is autographing copies of it on her book tour.) It's titled America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag.
In this literary masterpiece, she somehow feels compelled to "reflect" negatively on the Fox TV show American Idol. (Does American Idol get filed under "family", "faith", or "flag"?) Sister Sarah says the show has "talent-deprived" contestants suffering from "the cult of self-esteem." "No one they've encountered in their lives -- from their parents to their teachers to their president -- wanted them to feel bad by hearing the truth [about themselves], so they grew up convinced they could become big pop stars like Michael Jackson."
This is Caribou Barbie at her tone-deaf best (or worst, if you prefer). First, her own daughter, the talent-deprived chunky monkey Bristol Palin, is currently making a fool of herself on Dancing With The Stars. (President Obama was going to advise Bristol not to do this, but he refrained because he didn't want to make her feel bad.) Second, there are some with real talent on American Idol, while the others like early-round reject William Hung have no delusions about being the next Michael Jackson or Frank Sinatra or whoever. And third, apparently no one ever told Sarah the truth about herself: that she's a cut-rate beauty queen who's long on legs but short on intellect, who was once the mayor of a town smaller than my subdivision, who was somehow elected governor of the least populous state in the union, who as a failed Vice Presidential candidate was revealed to be a complete moron, who subsequently quit as governor just two years into her term, and who now is convinced she could be the next President.
Puh-leeze! You can't be a pageant princess forever, and Palin's ridden her looks just about as far as they're likely to take her. If she was double-bag ugly, she couldn't get elected dog-catcher!
Did I miss something? Didn't President Obama announce just a few months ago that American troops would start to leave Afghanistan in 2011? Now he's saying we're just gonna start to start leaving in 2011, and we'll actually remain there until 2014, so we can help the Afghans learn how to provide their own security.
Well, good fucking luck with that. Our little Afghan "war" is already our longest, and it won't matter if we stay there 10 years or 13 years or 23 years. Afghanistan is a black hole, a giant Dyson with no off switch endlessly sucking money and lives. The place is the very definition of lawless insecurity, and no amount of training the local boys will help. (Please recall "Vietnamization", a euphemism for the ages.)
Basically, Obama got duped again by the generals. He bought their bullshit about "conditions on the ground." Like a surgeon believes surgery fixes everything, a general thinks all problems have a military solution. It's his job.
Afghanistan will never be what we want it to be. At best, it might be kinda sorta maybe "good enough". We're already there. I love ya, Cousin Barry, but we gotta get outta that place! Let's call it "good enough" and vamoose. Yesterday.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Our new Guv-Elect John Kasich doesn't take office until January, but he's acting like he's in charge already.
First, he asked Gov. Strickland to stop all research and groundwork on the high-speed rail project. Ohio will receive $400 million in federal stimulus funds for this purpose. John-Boy has told the Feds that he just doesn't want their choo-choo train, but asked if he could have the $400 mil anyway. The Feds told him the money was for the rail project, and if he didn't like it, he could go shit in his hat. And Strickland has said that prep work for the project will continue through the end of his term. Good boy, Ted!
Kasich recently threatened Ohio's teachers unions, stating they'd have "zero access" to his administration unless and until they paid for state-wide ads apologizing for their criticism of him during the campaign. Then he declared he'd completely scrap Strickland's plan for distributing $400 million in "Race To The Top" federal education funds. The U.S. Dept. of Education replied that Ohio qualifies for the money based on the already-approved plans, and if he changed those plans, he could go piss up a rope for that money.
Said John-Boy, "Fuck the Feds! If we need $800 million, I'll just do what I always do. I'll get it from my daddy -- I mean my boss -- I mean my good friend -- Rupert Murdoch."
Should be an interesting four years. Is there any way we can get a Mulligan on that governor election thing?