If Newspapers Were Like Health Insurance (2010)

Op-Ed Columnist, N.Y. Times
I Cost More, but I’m a Specialist
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
Published: February 20, 2010

Our health care has been memorably compared, by Jonathan Rauch of The National Journal, to the airline system. That made me wonder: What if the news industry were like our unreformed health care system ... ?


First, enjoy this column! We Americans have the greatest news care system in the world, and we in journalism are proud of the cutting-edge punditry that we provide.

Columnists in other countries simply scribble illegibly in notebooks, but here in the United States we administer CAT scans to interviewees, just to rule out the chance that our subject is dead. Expensive, yes — but we Americans must never settle for second-best.

But wait! Before you read this column, please fill out this 18-page questionnaire. And good news — if you already filled it out previously, then you only have to fill out seven additional pages. I pride myself on my efficiency.

No, no, you’re mixing up the forms. Those are the ones for Maureen Dowd’s column; you’ll find David Brooks’s forms on the right and Paul Krugman’s on the left. You must file separate paperwork to read each columnist.

Good, good. All righty then: now the co-pay, please.

Oh, it doesn’t matter that you already submitted your co-pay for another columnist. We all work independently and, as you may have noticed, sometimes at cross-purposes.

By the way, columns such as this one about health care reform are out-of-network. Your insurance plan fully covers columns about many important topics, such as nephrology and Gregorian chant. But politics, health care, international affairs and anything that I might actually write about are all out-of-network.

So I’ll be billing you soon. I’ll tell you how much after you’ve read the column. Don’t worry: the invoice will clearly lay out cost codes, footnoted in cuneiform.

Typically, out-of-network benefits will provide substantial reimbursement for nouns, especially subjects. Unfortunately, you’re on your own with predicates. In particular, insurers stipulate that adjectives and adverbs are cosmetic and at your own expense.

A side note: Those with pre-existing conditions that may lead to excessive consumption of news may be excluded from coverage. An example of a pre-existing condition is literacy.

Upon submitting an initial claim to your insurance company, you will find it summarily rejected. If you wish to appeal the rejection, call the insurance company’s 800 number. No one will ever actually answer, but you’ll have the satisfaction of dialing a number and being placed on indefinite hold. Then you’ll hear a human voice say, “This is Jennifer, may I he— ” And the line will go dead, enabling you to start over.

Such telephone systems are an effective way to reduce the costs both of hiring and of appeals. The aim is to lower premiums for you, the consumer — and it’s all about you.

By the way, if this were December, the rest of the column fee might be fully covered by your news insurance. But it’s early in the year, and I’m afraid you haven’t met your annual deductible yet.

Of course, none of this applies if you are over 65, poor or a veteran. In those cases, you get single-payer news coverage financed by the government, through Newsicare, Newsicaid or the V.A.

For those of you with flex-spending plans, you may seek reimbursement from your pre-tax “news care spending account.” Another miracle of simplicity!

In addition to bills from me, you’ll also receive bills from your newspaper carrier, The New York Times itself, the forest products company that makes the newsprint, and the copy editor for this column. Don’t forget to pay the copy editor, or future columns will omit headlines.

I’m trying to be polite because, of course, if you don’t like this column, you may sue me. Malpractice suits are a part of the landscape, resulting in defensive journalism (that’s why we administer those CAT scans). For your convenience, I just add the cost of malpractice insurance and defensive journalism right onto your bill.

Speaking of which, the bill for this column is $1,681.63. I appreciate your prompt payment. You can send envelopes of cash to me at The New York Times, in unmarked bills.

Ah, you notice I didn’t actually get to discuss health reform? Frankly, that’s because I’m too busy dealing with the news insurance companies to practice any journalism. These days, gosh darn it, I have time only to bill readers.

Thanks for reading this. And I do hope you’ll resist those silly calls for news insurance reform. We mustn’t tinker with the finest news care system in the world.

Next!