Minnesota, Alaska, and South Carolina (2009)

(From the Buster Gammons column of 7/9/09)

States of the Union:
Minnesota has finally settled on a Senator. After all the votes had been counted and recounted ad nauseum, after seven months of fruitless lawsuits, Norm Coleman finally conceded defeat. Norm has always been a voters’ favorite in the Land O’ Lakes, unless Minnesotans had the chance to vote for a big-time wrestler or a late-night comic. Yes, Norm now has the dubious distinction of losing to both Jesse Ventura and Al Franken.

Governor Sarah Palin said it just wasn’t fair to the good people of Alaska for her to be a lame-duck, just going through the motions and traveling on the public nickel. She said it would be “sort of like quittin’ ”, so in the best interests of her state, she decided to . . . wait for it . . . quit. You betcha! Some people think she’s trying to position herself for a Presidential run in 2012. Early polls indicate she’s the leading candidate among those who favor ill-spoken, muddle-headed, arch-conservative wackos.

Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina. In a rambling, weepy news conference, South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford fessed up to having an affair with an Argentinean woman and lying to his staff as to his whereabouts so he could hook up with her. Sanford said the woman was his “soul mate” and it was a “love story” which began when he “counseled” her on her pending divorce. When at last the affair was found out, the Guv flew to Buenos Aires one more time for what he called “five days of crying (and screwing)”. Later, Sanford volunteered he had “crossed the line” before with many other women. At that precise point, an aide handed the Governor a big, steaming cup of shut-the-fuck-up. Too late.

And just the other day, officials of the Atlantic Coast Conference, responding to protests, decided to cancel next year’s ACC baseball tournament scheduled to be played in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. They’ll play it in another state. That’s because those dumb crackers in South Carolina persist in flying the Confederate flag on state buildings, and just can’t understand why anyone has a problem with it. All the (white) state politicians howled with indignation at the ACC’s decision – Those dirty ACC bastards! How could they do this to us?

Hey, SC douchebags! It ain’t them, it’s you. The Civil War has been over for 150 years. You lost. Time to take down the flag.

The final results are: One score for Minnesota, one score for Alaska, and two for South Carolina. South Carolina wins!