Sarah Palin (2008)

(From the Buster Gammons column of 9/19/08)

Would-be Veep Sarah Palin is a diabolically inspired choice. The list of people less qualified than her is a very short one (you, me and four or five other people) but that’s beside the point. Caribou Barbie is there because she has things that ol’ Straight Talk doesn’t have: youth, a pair of tits, the ability to read a teleprompter, rifles, horseshit “family values”, and of course those Ab-Fab eyeglasses. She’s a female Dan Quayle with more self-confidence.

There are two things on Caribou Barbie’s resume which should, in Buster’s book, be automatic disqualifiers: she’s Alaskan and she’s a beauty pageant contestant. Having family in Alaska and having known a few beauty pageant babes, Buster knows whereof he speaks. Both Alaskan-ism and pageant-ism are thoroughly marinated in deep, deep weirdness. Alaska is the last refuge of scoundrels. Alaskans are marginal U.S. citizens who are far removed from the rest of their country, and they like it that way. Many would like to secede. The beauty contest world is one of competitive vanity, where cosmetically enhanced girls think it’s perfectly normal to parade around in heels and a swimsuit, under lacquered hair and a pound of makeup, and give saccharine answers to silly questions – “I think the world would be a better place if everyone had a puppy!” Neither Alaskans nor pageant princesses should be allowed to hold national office. They’re far too strange. The two attributes combined is a truly frightening prospect, especially a heartbeat away from the Oval Office.

And if you can’t figure out what a community organizer might do, you’re way too stupid to hold public office.