(From the Buster Gammons Column of 3/24/09)
An example of bizarre beverage weirdness on the local scene:
“An amusing vintage – tart citrus up front, with lingering notes of oak and spice.” This is just too strange. A couple months ago, some guy was caught hiding in a men’s room stall in a state of arousal while watching little boys pee. The boys’ fathers beat the shit out of him and had him arrested. It turns out that this guy is the very definition of sick bastard – but he’s not a child molester at all, he just gets off by watching kids piss . . . and then drinking it! He’d put a wad of toilet paper in the urinal, then wring it out after a kid pissed on it. And it also turns out he has a history of doing this. So ridiculously, spectacularly perverted, it’s almost funny.
So they sent his twisted ass to the county lockup, but in a short while he was released. Why? He was in for public indecency, a low-grade misdemeanor. He isn’t a molestor or sexual predator, he’s just a simple piss-drinker, and there’s no law against that. (And who’d have guessed we might actually need one?)
What? No law against piss drinking? This is shocking! The public must be protected!
And riding to the rescue comes State Senator Jim Hughes (R, Dublin). Naturally, he is appalled and outraged by the absence of a piss-drinking law. So, for the safety of all Ohians, he will introduce legislation to “prohibit the consumption of another person’s bodily fluids without their permission.” (It’s the permission part that cracks me up.) I feel so safe now.
Ding-dong!
“Yes?”
"Good afternoon, ma'am. Would you have any young children at home, preferably boys?"
“Yes, Jimmy here is 5 years old.”
“Splendid. If it’s not too much trouble, and with your permission of course, would it be possible for little Jimmy to urinate for me? Here, I’ve brought along my own Dixie Cup.”
SLAMMMM!!!!
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