Onward Christian Dipshits (2010)

(From the Buster Gammons column of 1/29/10)

Rifqa Bary, a mischievous 16 year old Columbus girl with Muslim parents, was “converted” to Christianity and persuaded to run away from home by an online Florida church known as The Global Revolution Church. (Nice name for a church, huh?) This outfit goes trolling for souls on Facebook and other social sites. There it found Rifqa, sent her some cash and a bus ticket, and off she went to the Sunshine State. Her parents tried to bring her back, but the church down there refused to let her go at first. Without a leg to stand on, they eventually coughed her up and Rifqa returned to Ohio, but not to her parents. No, the church loaded her lips with some story about how her evil Islamic parents were going to kill her. So now Rifqa is a ward of County Childrens Services, lives in a foster home, and is completely estranged from her parents. Nice job, dipshit church.

Also from central Ohio we have former public school science teacher John Freshwater. He’s one of those proselytizing boobs who never shuts up. Despite repeated warnings to stop, Freshwater persisted in displaying his Bible in the classroom, posting the Ten Commandments in the classroom, and teaching creationism (in science class!) The capper came in a classroom “experiment” wherein he heated small wire crosses and branded several students! Sign of the cross, indeed! Naturally, he was fired. And now he’s suing to get his job back. Can’t figure out why he was let go. “Don’t all science teachers do that?” Dipshit teacher.

Yet another central Ohio figure, Rev. Rod Parsley, had financial problems around the end of the year. The televangelist told his flock that his mega-church, the World Harvest, would be forced to – sniff, sob – shut down its ministries unless substantial additional funding could somehow be found. (Probably meant Rod was overdue on his yacht payment.) After pondering this dilemma at some length from the comforts of his 12,000 square foot mansion, Rod of God concluded that the only possible solution would be, as always, for the faithful to pony up. “Yes, the good Lord always has a plan, and we place ourselves humbly in His hands . . . ‘cept for when I’m runnin’ low on cash! Then it’s Praise Jesus and pass the collection plate!” And the foolish lemmings sent him millions. Gullible parishioners, dipshit minister.

Finally, Pat Robertson told his TV viewers that the terrible earthquake in Haiti was actually Holy payback. According to Pat, 200 years ago the Haitians made a pact with the Devil in exchange for the end of French colonial rule on the island. The quake was God’s revenge on the Haitians for dealin’ with the Devil. Looking into the camera, Pat said with a straight face, “True story.” OK, dude, sure. King of all dipshits!

It’s an old saying, and it’s never been more true: Religion is the last refuge of a scoundrel.