(From the Buster Gammons column of 1/29/10)
(A compendium of fools, folly and fiascos.)
On the subject of obscenely wealthy athletes, we have, of course, Tiger Woods. Or as some refer to him these days, “Poor Tiger”. Not because people feel sorry for him or because he’s literally poor (although sponsors are dropping him like a bad habit and his soon-to-be ex-wife will relieve him of many, many millions of dollars). No, it’s Poor Tiger as in Poor Stupid Tiger. Not only can you not keep the snake in your trousers, you can’t be even the least bit discreet about it? Voice mails, emails and texts to the ho’s? Ever hear of electronic footprints? Welcome to 1995, Tiger. Dumbass.
And how about Mark McGwire? Got the gig as the Cards hitting coach, so it was time to finally fess up. And he did, tearfully of course. Yes, he did the ‘roids for years, including 1998. But not for strength or performance, just “health” reasons. So you see, it was just doctor’s orders. Same for me. My doctor told me to shoot the juice until my neck was the size of a Sequoia and my nuts fell off. Man, I feel healthy!
What bullshit from McGwire! Buster hereby proposes a return to the asterisk. This time there will be two guys and three asterisks. Like so:
* Babe Ruth. In 1927, hit 60 HR in 154 games. In that season, he was fortified by countless whores, hotdogs, and glasses of beer.
** Roger Maris. In 1961, hit 61 HR in 162 games. His performance was enhanced by coffee, Coca-Cola, and Chesterfields.
In judging all subsequent batters, draw your own conclusions.
Take Your Guns To Work Day. That’s what Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas thought it was. He brought a couple of pistols to practice to settle a grievance with a teammate. Kinda like a duel, old-style. Oh, how honorable! When first asked about this, Agent Zero-Brain said he was simply storing his guns in his locker rather than at home as a safety measure for his children. Tiger Woods said he’d taken similar steps to protect his kids by keeping his spare ho’s in his locker.
Did you happen to hear any cut from the recent Bob Dylan album “Christmas In The Heart”? Bob croaks out covers of Christmas carols as only he can. It is ridiculously, hilariously awful! Totally un-listenable. To his credit, all proceeds went to charity. But proceeds were disappointing as only four or five people actually bought the turd. And didn’t Bob used to be a Jew? Oh well. Next up, “Dylan Sings Rigoletto”.
Poster child for corporate mismanagement on a grand scale? General Motors. What a mess! Bailed out, bankrupt, plants closed, dealers terminated, four model lines eliminated, etc., etc., and still they struggle to sell lemonade in the desert. They were indeed “too big to fail”, but they aren’t now and their current business plans are no guarantee of success. They found buyers for Saab and Hummer, but couldn’t do a thing with Pontiac and Saturn. So GM will bet its future on Chevy, GMC, Buick and Cadillac. That’s a car/truck line, a truck-only line, and two old fart lines. While Cadillac has some spice with the big-pimpin’, rapper/drug dealer must-have Escalade, Buick has . . . what? For decades, Buick’s image problems have been known as “The 90/90 Rule”, which states:
Ninety percent of Buick drivers are 90 years old. The other ten percent are borrowing their grandparents’ Buick.
Good luck, General Motors.
Sarah Palin has taken a job as commentator on Fox News. Oh boy! She’ll join Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity – a clusterfuck of right-wing ideologues all in one convenient spot (to avoid!) Actually, Dear Sarah is at last properly placed. She’ll get herself profession-ally dressed and made up, read some happy horseshit from the teleprompter for about two minutes, and be done. Perfect! Scripted and controlled, none of her unfathomable verbal meanderings, and none of those doggone sneaky questions from Katy Couric.
Sarah’s new book is titled Going Rogue. I’ve got a book coming out soon myself. Mine’s going to be called Going Rogaine.
“The system worked.” So said Homeland Security director Janet Napolitano, in regard to the failed attempt of the Christmas Day airplane bomber. The “system” requires a would-be bomber to easily board the plane, whereupon he is to be tackled and beat to shit by half a dozen passengers. If passengers are unwilling to accept this responsibility, the system calls for them to pelt the bomber into submission with their complimentary peanuts and mini-pretzels.
(But semi-seriously for a second, there’s no such thing as perfect security, and if the bad guys are now coming at us with exploding shoes, exploding shampoo, exploding underwear, and nail clippers, we must be doing a little something right, no matter the howling on the right.)
By equating poor people with stray dogs, South Carolina’s Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer (R) earns himself a spot in the Douchebag Hall of Fame. What he said was his grandma taught him not to feed stray animals “because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce. . . . They don’t know any better.” What he meant was “I’m runnin’ for governor and I know all those darkies are never gonna vote for me, so I’d just as soon starve ‘em and cut off their nuts.” Add this idiot to Appalachian Trail hiker Gov. Mark Sanford and U.S. Rep. Joe “You lie!” Wilson, and South Carolina’s going for some sort of d’bag record.
John Edwards: Going, going, gone. From serious Presidential hopeful to disgraced footnote just like that. But he still has great hair!
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid put his foot in it. He was quoted in a new book saying that Obama won the Presidency because he was “light-skinned” and spoke without any “Negro dialect.” Hey, Harry – they stopped being Negroes about 45 years ago. I guess the news to Nevada travels slowly.
“Negroes” themselves were not offended by the comments, which they found to be essentially accurate. And why worry about some mousey old dude like Harry Reid when Rush Limbaugh is around? Yes, the Fat Toad came up with another gem. Limbaugh told his Dittoheads that the earthquake in Haiti “will make Obama look good to both light-skinned and dark-skinned blacks in America.” (Hey Rush – you look good to the lightly-brained and no-brained.) Limbaugh apparently believes that a couple hundred thousand dead Haitians will somehow be helpful to our Prez. Rush also shared his opinion that the U.S. should not donate a single nickel to Haiti. What heart, what compassion! Go overdose on oxycontin and die, you pig!
The lure of Libertarianism is still weaving its spell on Fox News watchers, TEA partiers, and other muddle-headed types. It has a simple and seductive premise for those who don’t care to think too deeply. As Ronnie Reagan memorably put it:
Government is the problem, not the solution.
What a convenient thought – Yes, if only the government would get out of our way, we’d be so much better off. There are too many rules. Why can’t I do everything I want? And I don’t like paying all these taxes for this, that, and the other. Individual liberty is the ideal. Let’s have ultimate free will and free markets and let each individual fend for himself, carve out a niche for himself, and live independently and free of all state interference. It’s the American way.
That’s a beautiful speech, and a total crock of shit. The natural end point of true Libertarianism is anarchy, mob rule, jungle law, slave wages, child labor, and worse. No services. No police, fire, or military. No nuthin’ unless you figure out a way to get it for yourself. But you get all the individual liberty you can stand.
Here’s the way of the real world, dear readers:
Government, taxes, regulations, and the ceding of some individual liberties for the common good are the prices we pay for a civilized society.
And you really wouldn’t want it any other way.
Unless you’re John Kasich. The former Republican Congressman from Westerville spent the last few years on Wall St. working for Lehman Bros. (That worked out well, didn’t it?) Now he’s brought everything he learned ruining that company back to his home state and he’s running for Governor. And his one big idea is . . . the abolition of the Ohio income tax. Fine idea, John. That’s what the State of Ohio really needs right now – less revenue. Didn’t we just tap dance on the precipice in our latest state budget crisis? So John’ll fix that by eliminating the major source of funding. Brilliant! Taxin’ Ted and the rest of the D’s ought to flog Kasich mercilessly with his own douchebag words.
Mentioning Lehman Bros. reminds me that recently the CEO’s of the remaining big banks and brokerages appeared before Congress to apologize. They said they were “sorry” for creating the financial meltdown by inventing and promoting worthless investments and then betting against their own lousy advice. They said it was mere coincidence that the profits they posted in 2009 were the dollar equivalent of the TARP funds they received in 2008. They said those profits would still justify the payout of bazillions of dollars in executive bonuses, because in their industry ya gotta pay for “talent.” Talent? Pardon me. Talent, especially at their pay grade, implies something rare. Peyton Manning is talent. Meryl Streep is talent. The Beatles were talent. Lloyd Blankfein, Jamie Dimon and John Mack are not talent. They are bean-counters and manipulators of the all-too-common sort.
In his last epistle, Buster wondered rhetorically how far the government’s head was shoved up the insurance industry’s ass. And now we know the answer is, pretty damn far. Especially the Republican heads. Just a couple weeks ago, it looked fairly certain that some sort of health care reform would become law. We had (and still have) two bills – one Senate, one House -- needing to be reconciled and smooshed into a mutually agreeable sausage. Neither bill was great, and neither did what could have and should have been done, but it seemed the end result was destined to be an historic step in the right direction.
Then came the special election in Massachusetts for the so-called Ted Kennedy Senate seat. A surprising victory went to Scott “Pants On The Ground” Brown, (R). The former male model and Cosmo centerfold campaigned on a one-sentence platform: “I will vote against any health reform bill.” His Democratic opponent and supposed shoo-in, Martha Coakley, campaigned on nothing, said nothing, and went nowhere. You’re a douchebag, Martha. Brown’s election proved the old maxim that half of winning is simply showing up. And by the way, Scotty, old buddy, if your daughters are still available, I’ll take one, please.
It also “changed the math”, in the current vernacular. No longer do the D’s have the 60-vote, filibuster-proof, super-majority in the Senate. They have 59. Isn’t 59-41 still a rather significant majority? Yes it is, but the R’s could filibuster with those numbers, and they promise to do exactly that. Meaning that health reform or any other bill the R’s don’t like could simply die in the Senate.
I’m sure no expert or scholar on the subject, but I don’t recall another time in my life when this country was so split, with philosophies so diametrically opposed. I can’t remember another time when the political conversation was so acrimonious. Real bipartisanship? Are you kidding? It died the day Obama took office. With Republicans in the minority of both houses (which really pisses ‘em off), they don’t really have a legislative agenda. Their agenda is obstructionism. Says House Minority Leader John Boehner (an ass-faced douchebag if ever there was one) regarding health care legislation, “Let’s be clear about this. Our goal is to kill this thing.” Sounds just like a spoiled brat in the school-yard: “If I can’t be quarterback, I’ll just take my ball and go home!” Or “I’ll just take my Senator Brown and go filibuster!”
Now, all of you know I love Barack Obama, and not just because he’s family, but he’s earned a little douchebag sticker himself too. He’s been too slow, too nice, too willing to let Congress fiddle-fuck around with what should have been his signature piece of legislation. He should have showed more leadership and been stronger and clearer about what he wanted.
Cousin Barry lately seems to have figured this out. He turned a little bit feisty in his State of the Union, calling out the R’s for their do-nothing roadblock tactics and wagging his finger at the Supreme Court. Was even feistier a couple days later when he ventured into the lion’s den and paid a visit to the House Republicans Conference, where he took their questions for over an hour and told them they were basically full of shit. Good!
As Obama took the podium, Boehner handed him a document with all the R’s big ideas on the economy, health care, energy, etc. ‘Cause, as you know, the D’s say the R’s have no ideas, but here they are, Bucko -- right in your hand. This document was 9 pages, including a cover page, table of contents page, blank buffer page, and blank back page. The remainder summed up a wealth of GOP wisdom with, as Stephen Colbert put it, “large font, double-spaced text with the sort of generous margins typically found in 8th grade term papers.”)
So this new Big Balls Barry is on the right path – the R’s were never going to play nice, so fuck ‘em. Gotta move on without ‘em. And he should keep telling it like it is and remind everyone of the following:
I inherited two wars and the worst economy since the Great Depression. Thanks, Dubya!
You wanna bitch about bailouts and stimulus packages? One, they started before I got here. Two, every genius, guru and brainiac out there – everyone! – agreed that this was the right thing to do. In retrospect, the stimulus should have been larger.
You wanna blame me for budget deficits? There was no deficit when Dubya took office. The vast majority of today’s deficit results from his wars and tax cuts. (Deficits, by the way, are not at all uncommon. They come and they go. They are reduced or eliminated by some combination of increasing receipts and decreasing disburse-ments. Once we quit spending mega-jillions in Iraq and Afghanistan, the picture will brighten considerably.)
We’re gonna get something done on health care reform, because it’s the right thing to do. It may not be perfect, but it’s gonna be better. It’s gonna help more people get coverage and it’s gonna curb some insurance industry abuses. It will subsidize some costs for some people, but it’s not a give-away government freebie. (We already have Medicaid.) It will spur competition by offering you and your employer some choices you don’t have right now. Keep what you have if you like it, but if you see an interesting alternative, you’ll be able to consider it.
You wanna crucify me for unemployment? Again, I inherited this fuckin’ mess and have taken steps to keep it from getting worse. Some things are improving and I’m gonna do what I can about the jobs situation by proposing a variety of projects and more stimulus money. But this is serious shit. It will take time, we can’t tax-cut our way to prosperity, and I can’t make everyone a government employee. The private sector needs to get off its whiny dead ass, get creative and do some of the heavy lifting, too.
And you R’s are feelin’ all spunky ‘cause you think 41 is larger than 59? You’re gonna stop me cold by threatening filibuster every single time? Really? Go ahead. I fuckin’ dare you. It’s bluff-calling time, assholes! Filibuster whatever you like. Bring the Senate to a grinding halt for days, weeks, months. The news media will have a field day. Can’t wait to see Mitch McConnell on TV holding the floor by reading his grocery list. Let’s see how the public reacts as you drag this shit on and on. After awhile, the outcry will be loud and clear – sit down and shut up! This country has passed shitloads of legislation with less than 60 Senate votes and without filibuster. What makes you think you’re so special?
Former VP and Douchebag Lifetime Achievement Award winner Dick Cheney recently left his undisclosed location and showed his Dick-head long enough to say that, when it comes to terrorism, “Obama likes to pretend we’re not at war.” Presumably because he doesn’t say the word “war” enough. Cheney was last seen shuffling back into the shadows, muttering, “War . . . war. . . at war . . . war good . . . for business . . . war . . . war . . . war . . . . . . . . .”
Meanwhile, Obama was winning the Nobel Peace Prize and simultaneously sending 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan. So there, Dick!
But Buster’s gotta give another tip of Douchebag Cap to Obama for being hornswoggled by the military into more foreign misadventures, namely the ongoing build-up in Afghanistan. We’re finally winding things down in Iraq (Hey Iraqis – Sorry about your country. Oops!) and now we gotta go to the worst place on earth and do . . . what?
Get Bin Laden and Al Qaeda and punish ‘em for 9/11.
And they’re in Afghanistan?
Some of ‘em are, maybe. Hard to tell. They go everywhere. Bin Laden was there for sure ten years ago.
Yeah, right after 9/11 we went over there and threw out the Taliban and installed Hamid Karzai as head of the Afghan government. But we didn’t get Bin Laden, and today we still don’t know where he is.
Yep, he hides pretty good. Only one guy. Could be anywhere.
Are Al Qaeda and the Taliban the same thing?
No. The Taliban are Afghan natives and Islamic fundamentalists who want to take over Afghanistan and run the country. Al Qaeda are Islamic fanatics from the Arab world, Indonesia, and God knows where else. They’d like to rule the world, but they’ll settle for killing people now and again. The Taliban just wants Afghanistan. But some of the Taliban are chummy with some of Al Qaeda.
Weren’t we ourselves once chummy with the Taliban?
Oh yeah. Back in the early 1980’s the USSR tried to invade Afghanistan and was fought off by the Taliban. We gave weapons, training and money to the Taliban. They were our buddies ‘cause they weren’t Commies. They were “freedom fighters.”
But they’re not our buddies now?
Not so much, ‘cause they let Bin Laden hang out with them ten years ago. Although some of the Taliban are warming up to us again ‘cause we’re throwing plenty of cash around over there.
So we’re bribing them?
We’re winning hearts and minds.
So what about the real bad guys, Al Qaeda?
What about ‘em?
That’s why we’re in Afghanistan, right, ‘cause that’s where Al Qaeda is?
I don’t know. They could be there. You ever see those fuckin’ Afghan mountains? You could hide all sorts of shit in that godforsaken dump.
So Al Qaeda has no country, no base of operations, no uniforms, they left no forwarding address, they could be in Afghanistan, or they could be any other place in the en-fucking-tire world??!!
True ‘dat.
So why are we in Afghanistan?
National security. The generals say if we withdraw, underwear will be exploding all over the place.
So Buster now gives you Country Joe Obama’s updated version of the classic “Fixin’ To Die Rag”:
Now come on all of you big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again. Cousin Barry’s in a hell of a jam Way on over in Afghanistan. His generals told him “Please don’t run, We’re gonna have a whole lot of fun!”
So it’s 1-2-3, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t tell me the Taliban. Next stop Afghanistan. And it’s 5-6-7, open up the pearly gates. Ain’t got time to wonder why. We’re givin’ it up for Karzai.
The U.S. Supreme Court gave a big flip-off to a hundred years of precedent in campaign finance law when it ruled in favor of allowing unlimited corporate contributions to campaigns and issues. And I was just saying to myself the other day that what this country really needs is a good $2 mocha latte and shitloads more corporate influence in politics. You think politicians are bought and sold already? You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!
Here’s a rare douchebag trifecta: Spineless CBS has decided to allow an anti-abortion TV spot during the Super Bowl, filmed and funded by dipshit Christian outfit Focus On the Family and featuring our favorite altar boy, Tim Tebow. False piety and bumper-sticker faith. Tim, you’re a tool.
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