Tattoos (2008)

(From the Buster Gammons column of 7/27/08)

Buster has recently returned from his annual sojourn to the Carolina shore, where he completed an exhaustive study of the body human. His research has led him to the following inescapable, if somewhat obvious, conclusions regarding the state of the American physique:

1. Ten percent of the people out there hideous and should not appear in public in any state of dress or undress, ever.

2. Another ten percent are truly attractive and really look good. They’re all 19.

3. The rest of us are somewhere in between – more or less tolerable for now, but we ain’t gettin’ any younger and Mean Mr. Gravity is relentless. But still, as we always tell ourselves, we’re not too bad . . . for people our age!

4. Adult women with “Dunlap’s Disease” should not wear string bikinis.

5. Unless actually a member of the Olympic swim team, men should not wear Speedos.

6. The proportion of the population with tattoos is at an all-time high and shows no signs of decreasing. In certain segments (and no, I’m not talking about the NBA), tattoos are damn near mandatory. This represents a cultural shift.

Of course many centuries ago, tattoos were common. Early man was known for rudimentary body marking. Later the Egyptians, Vikings and many tribal peoples advanced the techniques of permanent body “art”. But things began to change with the rise of European civilization. All those enlightened WASPS and Roman Catholics believed that “defacing” one’s body was unholy, a guaranteed ticket straight to a hot spot in hell. (Yes, the French aristocracy was into powdered wigs, rouge and paste-on beauty marks, but that shit wasn’t permanent and, hey, they were French!)

And so the “clean”, unadorned body has been the societal norm for quite some time now. Most of us were raised to regard tattoos as signs of low class and low intellect. For most of our lives, tattoos were limited to sailors, ex-cons, and carnies.

But it’s a new day and tats are everywhere, and are increasingly socially acceptable. After two weeks at the beach, it’s clear to ol’ Buster that there’s a whole bunch of teachers, nurses, accountants and whatevers that go to work every day covering up a whole bunch of ink. Or not covering it up, as the case may be. The old wisdom was that visible tattoos would prevent you from getting a good job. This is obviously no longer the case, since the boss may have more tats than the applicant. Unless you’ve inked your neck and face like Mike Tyson, or have one of those Ubangi ear- lobe-hole thingies, you’re probably OK.

Call me a curmudgeon, but Buster believes that many of today’s tattooed generation will eventually regret their ink jobs. What’s tres cool and sexy at 20 or 30 is likely to look the opposite at 60 or 70. When the barbed wire once on your bicep is now in the vicinity of your elbow, when that lower-back tattoo has shifted to your butt cheeks, when that hot little heart-and-flowers design at your panty line has slid down past your twat, how you gonna feel about that?

Today, we have a reality TV show about a tattoo parlor. In 30 or 40 years, we’ll have one about a tattoo removal service.