You're Good Enough, You're Strong Enough, And Gosh-Darn It, People Will Love You When You Set A New World Record

(Suggested by a faithful reader. Thanks, faithful reader!)

Walter Mitty has a real-world incarnation -- none other than GOP VP candidate Paul Ryan, a noted runner, workout proponent, and bullshit artist. I'm not referring to Ryan's BS about Medicare or deficit reduction or the closing of a GM plant. I'm talking about his bald-faced lies about running "several" marathons with a personal-best time of "2:50:something".

In truth, Lyin' Ryan has run one marathon, period. His time was 4:01:25. To a non-runner like myself (if the distance is 26 miles, I'm fuckin' driving!), this is plenty impressive. Why embellish? To real runners, lying about your time is an unforgivable sin. And I'm pretty sure real runners remember their marathon times exactly, especially if they've run just one.

But now all runners can "improve" their race times to the same degree as Ryan did with his. Just click on the title to this post and you'll be linked to THE PAUL RYAN TIME CALCULATOR. Enter your event, your gender and your best time, click the calculator and see if you've suddenly become the world record holder.

I recall that when I was 15, I ran a 100 meter dash in gym class in about 12 seconds. I was nowhere close to the winner. But just by using THE PAUL RYAN TIME CALCULATOR, I see now that I'm actually faster than Usain Bolt. I knew it!