At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of the continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds.
"We are prepared to offer White people the option of staying on this continent legally and applying for citizenship," explained Chief Wamsutta of the Wampanoag nation. "In return, they must pay any outstanding taxes and give back the land stolen from our ancestors.
"Any white person with a criminal record, however, will be deported in the next 90 days back to their ancestral homeland. Rush Limbaugh will be going to Germany. Justin Bieber will be sent back to Canada. And the entire cast of Jersey Shore will be returning to Italy."
Sustained European colonization of North America began in the 16th and 17th centuries, when arrivals from France, Spain and England first established settlements on land that had hitherto been occupied by native peoples. Over the past 400 years, immigrants from these countries and others throughout Europe have transformed the demography of the continent.
Despite their numerical superiority, many scholars question the legality of the European settlement, as it was founded on a mixture of unauthorized immigration, war and genocide.
Progressive native groups welcomed the council's decision today as a step forward towards normalizing relations with the White community. However, many conservative Native Americans are upset about the plan, claiming that amnesty will only serve to reward the lawbreakers.
"Why can't we just deport all the Whites back to Europe?" asks Sungmanitu Thanka Ob Wachi of the Lakota people. "They're just a drain on our economy anyway. They came over here to steal our resources because they're too lazy to develop their own back home.
"I can't believe we're just going to let them pay a fine. They should get to the back of the line like everybody else -- behind the Mexicans."
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(This item got a lot of internet attention and angry comments in the past couple days, which is hilarious because it's a 12/12/14 article from dailycurrant.com, a satirical newsblog. The satire was lost on many people.)
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