With an improbable come-from-behind rally, Newt Gingrich won Saturday's election in South Carolina. In his victory speech, Newt said that Rick Perry was right, that South Carolina was indeed at war against the federal government, and that he, Newt, saw it as his patriotic duty to lead the Palmetto State as it again seceded from the Union.
Gingrich said that, based on the election results, he was proclaiming himself President of the True Conservative Republic of South Carolina. In his first official act, he appointed Rick Perry as a four-star general and leader of the Army, Navy, and Air Forces of South Carolina. Newt said that Perry had already established his command center at Fort Sumter. Next, Gingrich announced that all Hispanics in the break-away state must leave immediately or face forced deportation. He said that all black citizens must carry a birth certificate, a driver's license, and a college degree with them at all times, or face similar consequences. He also said that in keeping with his "Paychecks, Not Food Stamps" campaign rhetoric, black South Carolinians would be entitled to five minutes of unemployment compensation, after which they must immediately begin washing cars at minimum wage.
He ended by announcing that his Vice President would be South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. Gingrich remarked that he and Haley would promptly commence a sexual relationship because he and current wife Callista had always wanted an open marriage. "Callista doesn't care," said Gingrich, "and besides, she's an android. I mean, just look at her."
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