"Like A Blender With The Lid Off"

That's how one wag described supposed brainiac Newt Gingrich. Another said, "There are ten filing cabinets in Newt's office. Nine are labelled 'Newt's Ideas.' The other one says 'Newt's Good Ideas.'"

Suddenly and inexplicably the Republican front-runner, Newt Gingrich is an inside-the-Beltway opportunist who is chronically undisciplined and unethical. He comes with enough baggage for an army of Red Caps. Yet he is also "highly intelligent" (just ask him!) and "articulate" (meaning all sorts of strange shit may escape his lips!)

He was paid $1.6 million by Freddie Mac, but he wasn't a lobbyist. No, no, he was just a simple "historian". (Did I hear Doris Kearns Goodwin laughing her ass off?)

He has proposed zapping North Korea with lasers. ("Paging Dr. Evil.")

He has explained his extramarital affairs by saying he was "driven by how passionately I felt about this country." (Patriotic adultery?)

He denigrated Paul Ryan's Medicare-killing budget proposal, calling it "radical, right-wing social engineering." Then two days later, he did a 180 and said would indeed have voted for the Ryan plan, and that "Any ad that quotes what I said [two days ago] is a falsehood." ("Two days ago was a Sunday, and everybody knows I never tell the truth on Sundays.")

He suggested "a mirror system in space could provide the light equivalent of many full moons so that there would be no need for nighttime lighting of the highways."

He has called for "a massive new program to build a permanent lunar colony to exploit the moon's resources." (Got a moon thing, don't you, Newt?)

He said that Barack Obama "is so outside our comprehension that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior can begin to [understand Obama]." Newt called this a "most profound insight." (The Kenyans rebelled at being a British colony. Profound indeed. But nothing to do with Obama.)


He recently called child labor laws "truly stupid." He said, "I believe kids could mop the floor and clean up the bathroom [at their schools] and get paid for it, and it would be OK." He's in favor of employing these children "as early as is reasonable and practical," suggesting age 9 as a starting point. He went on to say, "Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day. They have no habit of 'I do this and you give me cash', unless it's illegal." (Wow, Newt! Just fuckin' . . . wow!)

He once described himself as an "advocate of civilization, defender of civilization, teacher of the rules of civilization, arouser of those who form civilization, organizer of pro-civilization activists, and leader, possibly, of the civilizing forces." (Just a teeny bit egotistical, are we?)


"Some people have decided it's time for Newt Gingrich." The speaker? Newt Gingrich, of course.