Twist, Not A Twist

Buster's Bartending 101

I have a small gripe. Too many of today's bartenders are ignorant of the classic drinks, especially the Martini. Any fool can pour a beer or make a rum and coke, and many of the younger mixologists do a fine job with fruity shots and concoctions with names like "Skip And Go Naked". But just ask 'em for a dry martini, rocks, with a twist, and there's no telling what you'll be served.

Of course, some allowances must be made. You don't go to a campus bar and order a martini. Nor do you order one at the shot n' a beer joint just around the corner from the steel plant. But at any decent watering hole, and certainly at the bar in a nice restaurant, a proper martini is not an unreasonable expectation. Such expectations are too often unmet.

The classic martini is a strong, gin-based cocktail. You shouldn't have to say "gin martini" -- the gin is automatic, unless you specify vodka. (And those are your only two choices, gin or vodka.) The base spirit is combined with a small amount of dry vermouth. The mix should be around 3 or 4 parts gin to 1 part vermouth. For a dry martini, use less vermouth. For extra-dry, just say the word "vermouth" but leave the bottle on the shelf, untouched.

The classic martini is shaken or stirred over ice then strained and served "up" in a stemmed martini glass. Again, the "up" should be automatic, unless you specify "on the rocks." (The same is true of a Manhattan -- served up unless you say rocks.) A drink on the rocks should be served in a "rocks glass" -- a short tumbler with a flat bottom. And speaking of glasses, putting something in an up martini glass doesn't make it a martini. Chocolate/blueberry/strawberry "martinis" are not martinis at all. When I was a kid, my mom served pudding in martini glasses. A yummy dessert, but sure as hell no martini.

The classic martini may be garnished with a twist of lemon, or a green olive, or with nothing at all. (Some like a cocktail onion, which technically turns the drink into a Gibson.) A twist is a bit of the lemon peel or rind (and peel only, no fruit attached), rubbed on the rim of the glass then dropped into the drink. A martini is never served with a lemon wedge or lemon slice -- we're drinking booze, not iced tea. Neither should it come with any form of lime, orange, pineapple, or cherry. "Martini with a twist" means lemon, period. Similarly, the olive must be a green olive stuffed with pimento, although some prefer the olive stuffed with almond, anchovy, or bleu cheese. But it is never a black olive, or a coffee bean, or a jelly bean.

As a long-time member of the drinking class, Buster has ordered his share of martinis while out and about, and many have been iffy. Frequently, it's too weak/has too much vermouth, not enough gin. And there are a whole lot of bartenders who have no idea what a twist is, nor how to make one. On one memorable occasion I was presented with a weak 50/50 martini, with olive, dirty, on the rocks in an up glass with a wedge of lime, already squeezed for my convenience. That shit would gag a maggot!

Eventually, I hit upon a different strategy. I no longer order a "martini." I now order "gin on the rocks." Even the 21-year-old rookie bartender can't fuck that one up!