Headlines of 2019

From The New Yorker.

Shouts & Murmurs

December 24 & 31, 2018 Issue

Headlines of 2019: Let’s Get It Over With

By Christopher Buckley

Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

Mueller Rushed to Hospital with “Nerve-Agent-Like” Symptoms

—

Trump, Shrugging, Suggests: “Probably Something He Ate”

—

Kellyanne Conway Attributes Mueller Collapse to MSG

—

Centers for Disease Control Identify Source of Mueller Coma as Novichok, Nerve Agent Used in Assassination Attempt on Former Russian Spy

—

Giuliani Sees “Zero Ground” for F.B.I. to Investigate “So-Called Attack”; MSG and Novichok “Often Confused”

—

Oval Office Log Reveals Visit by Head of Russian Germ-Warfare Unit Just Prior to Mueller Poisoning

—

Trump Says Timing of Meeting with Russian Germ-Warfare Czar a “Completely Total Coincidence”: Topic Was “Russian Adoptions”

—

CNN Reporter Collapses After Being Touched by White House Aide Wearing Face Mask and Latex Gloves; Trump Wishes Jim Acosta “Good Luck” as Paramedics Rush Him from East Room Press Conference

—

Trump Denounces “Out of Control” Cost of Mueller Medical Treatment; Calls Coma “Preëxisting Condition”

—

Democrats Denounce Trump Move to Shut Bethesda Naval Hospital, Leaving Mueller “Out on the Street”

—

Trump Tweets: “Do I Give a Schitt?”

—

Citing Need for Space, Justice Dept. Will Relocate Mueller Offices; Mueller Files to Be Stored at Facility Near Pleasure, Calif.

—

Interior Department Forecast: More Fires “Likely”

—

White House Issues “Clarification” on Visit by Russian Germ Czar: Trump Sought Guidance About Poisoning “Migrants, Not Mueller”

—

Trump, Livid Over Media “Obsession” with “Fake Mueller Poisoning,” Retaliates by Urging Rally Fans to Cough, Sneeze on Members of Media

—

Ivanka “Not Totally Thrilled” by Trump Call for Sick Fans to Infect Members of Media

—

Melania Visits Flu-Stricken Media; Dispenses Moisturizer Samples and Mar-a-Lago Spa Discount Vouchers

—

Tests on Moisturizer Samples Reveal Traces of Novichok, Polonium-210, Mandrake Root, Eye of Newt, Sarin

—

Report: Air Force KC-135 Tankers Dumping Fuel Over Pleasure, Calif.

—

Fire Rages in Pleasure, Calif., Destroying Mueller Offices, Records; Fire Marshal Calls Fire “A Bit Odd”

—

Trump: Latest California Fire Result of “Very Poor Raking”

—

Mueller Awakens from Coma

—

Told of Recent Developments, Mueller Asks Doctors to Medically Induce New, “Permanent” Coma

—

Poll: Sixty Per Cent of Americans Also Want to Be Put Into Medically Induced Coma ♦

Buster's 2018 Review In 12 Easy Pieces

Selected snippets from a year's worth of blog posts.
There was an all-consuming focus in 2018, and not just for Buster.  It could be no other way.



January -- Her Generous Offer.  Sarah Huckabee Sanders is offering to lie for free during the shutdown.  "Now more than ever it's important that the stream of falsehoods and distortions from this White House continues," Sanders said.

February -- Blaming "Mental Health" Is An Excuse.  Republicans have a thousand excuses.  Whenever a mass shooting happens, if it's a Muslim, they want to politicize it within seconds and blame all of Islam.  If it's a Mexican, build the wall!  If it's a black person, we need more cops and prisons!  But if it's a white person, it's a mental health issue, an isolated instance, "just one crazy dude."

March -- The Three Branches of Government.  They are the Legislative, the Judicial, and Fox News.

April -- Hostages Forced to Recite Propaganda on Local TV.  Local TV news broadcasts have never been known for top-notch journalism, but the affiliates of the Sinclair Broadcasting Group have given up all semblance of factual, honest reporting and degenerated into pure propaganda.  Local station mangers receive "must-run" scripts from the higher-ups, which are nothing more than agitprop pieces kissing Trump's ass and spreading his fake news for stupid people.

May -- Our National Image Abroad.  Remember when America was a well-respected global leader?  You know, any time before January 20, 2017.  Things have changed.

June -- Let's Do This Deal Before the Trading Deadline.  Even though "open borders" is a fear-mongering myth, here's the deal from Trader Buster:  I will take all the Hondurans, Guatemalans, Central Americans and Mexicans who want to come to America, and in exchange I'll deport Trump, his family, all the Republicans, and all the MAGAts.  They can go.  And I'll even throw in a fascist-to-be-named-later.

July -- Where Do We Go From Here?  After watching Trump's weak and pathetic press joint conference, his fawning deference to a thug dictator, I believe Putin has a hell of a lot more "kompromat" on him than a simple pee tape.  Where do we go from here?  Trump is a dangerously inept fraud.  He's gotta go ASAP.  Voting him out would be most satisfying.  We may not be able to wait that long.

August -- The Goverment We Deserve?  "In a democracy, the people get the government they deserve."  The 35% are getting the government they deserve, but the rest of us deserve better -- much, much better.  It starts to get better in November.  VOTE!  And vote smart.  You know what that means.

September -- Good News, Bad News.  Isn't it amazing how often two people can observe the exact same thing and yet arrive at two diametrically opposed conclusions.  Regarding Brett Kavanaugh, I see a drunken, partisan, lying, belligerent, self-pitying sack of monkey shit.  They see a Supreme Court Justice.

October -- More DNA Testing.  DNA testing has revealed that Donald Trump Jr. is 50% idiot.  Speaking to reporters, Trump Jr. said he had undergone the testing "to silence all of the haters who have been saying I'm a total idiot."

November -- How To Get On His Good Side.  Remember the steps:  1. Enrich him personally.  2. Give him a political talking point to exaggerate beyond belief.  3. Brutally kill and dismember a newspaper columnist (an enemy of the people).  Do this, and you too can be Donnie Dumpster's best friend, just like MBS.

December -- We Need Another Goldwater Moment.  We could use another Goldwater moment today, where influential Republicans would speak truth to the party's purported leader, explain to him that his presidency is doomed, and they will no longer provide him with drooling lap-dog obedience.


2018 was a year unlike any we ever seen.  Let's hope 2019 works out better.  There's always hope, right?

Avogadro, Planck, Pi, Trump

Constant -- a fixed value that does change. 

Constants occur in chemistry, physics and mathematics.  Also in personality disorders, as sadly demonstrated by the current White House occupant.

Our fake president is a constant lying asshole.  He showed it even while addressing our military personnel in Iraq.

In the lying area, he lied about pay raises -- lied straight to the faces of those who surely recognized the lie at once.  The Bombastic Braggart told the troops, "You haven't gotten a pay raise in more than ten years.  And I got you a big one!  More than ten percent."  Except that's one hundred percent bullshit!  Military pay raises have occurred annually for several decades.  The increase for 2019 will be 2.6%, not 10%.  For 2018, it was 2.4%.

As for his asshole-ishness, he used the occasion for some shameful partisan domestic politicking -- bashing Democrats over his border wall tantrum and his government shutdown.  No one can recall another president using a visit to deployed troops as an opportunity to denigrate his political opponent.  It's a real asshole move.  Individual servicemen and servicewomen may have their own personal political leanings, but the military as a whole is scrupulously apolitical.  Our armed forces, as a matter of policy, do not give a shit about Trump's stupid wall.

Why does he do these things daily, wherever he goes, constantly?  I think it's a genetic defect.  He just can't fucking help it.  But we can -- we can vote him out, impeach him, force him to resign, whatever it takes.  He's our worst presidential mistake.  Let's learn from this constant blunder, and never let it happen again.
_____________________________________

And sticking with my pseudo-scientific terminology, I could also call Trump an imaginary number.  An imaginary number is one that, when squared, gives a negative result.  And since Trump always gives negative results, well, there you go.

I'm A Favorite. Yippee.

I know a guy who's the sort of conserva-tard who believes everyone he encounters must naturally share his conserva-tarded opinions, and he's therefore always shocked -- shocked! -- to meet anyone who does not.  He regards Democrats/liberals/progressives as rare curiosities -- unexpected ET's from another galaxy.

I wouldn't call him a friend.  More of a recent, casual acquaintance.  For the past two years, he's been a proudly outspoken Trumpanzee MAGAtt.  Without prompting, he's happy to tell you how he just loves the Cheeto Benito, that he's the strongest president ever, the best president ever, just look what he's done for the economy, that the tax cut was wonderful, blah-blah-blah.

When showing off his new car, he makes sure to mention that his satellite radio is always tuned to "Fox News, baby!"  He refers to President Obama as "that f***ing N****r."  And when he asks the lovely Mrs. Gammons the meaning of the FDT monogram on her purse, he goes into outraged apoplexy when she tells him.  "That's so disrespectful!"

But lately, with the swamp administration in shambles and/or in jail, with the market in the tank, with the third government shutdown in a year, with Yam Face's idiotic obsession with a Mexican wall, with Mueller still at work, with our foreign policy farmed out to foreign countries, and with His Lonely Lardship in an obvious state of mental malfunction, Mr. Cock-Sure Trump-Lover is suddenly far more circumspect.

And so it was that the other day he approached me and a buddy and declared out of the blue that we were his "two favorite Democrats" because we're "always so nice and positive, and we don't force our political views on people."  (It's true that I try to avoid political discussions in social settings.  This blog is my outlet for that, and this particular acquaintance does not subscribe.)  He then fell back into the squishy, intellectually lazy safe zone of false equivalence:  "Politics doesn't mean anything.  It's all bullshit."   

Interesting, isn't it?  When he's feeling confident of his own political stance, he doesn't hesitate to make it a topic of conversation so he can pontificate about it.  But when his boy has clearly gone off the demented deep end, he quickly loses his partisan fervor and wants to avoid any talk of politics.  And he's appreciative of his "favorite" D's because we don't rub his nose in it.

Just like that, by staying true to our principles and remaining consistent in public behavior, by changing nothing, we go from disrespectful to nice.  I'm honored, I guess.  It's this guy's version of eating crow, I think.

Flaws In The Wall-Nut's Border Security Plan

Marginal?

The Trump Who Stole America

Fifty Years Ago To The Day

"Earthrise," photographed by William Anders from Apollo 8, on December 24, 1968

No one had ever seen an "earthrise" before.  I watched it on a black & white TV in my parents living room.  I remember being mightily impressed.

It was a peaceful moment in an unpeaceful year.

We could could use some of the same right now.  Good luck to us all.

Steel Slats

I think these "artistically designed" steel slats are particularly attractive, don't you?

Here's what our Trivial Tyrant envisions, as depicted in a recent tweet bleat:

 In the timeless words of Fonzie, "Sit on it, Potsie!"

Interim, Acting Holidays

Hello, dear readers.  This is the interim, acting Buster here.  The real Buster recently submitted a resignation letter giving two-months notice.  I thought that was nice of me, until I actually read my friggin' letter.  I bad-mouthed me!  Unbelievable.  So I couldn't let me quit, I had to fire myself.  And here I am replacing myself.

For our national government, we're ending the year in a fitting Trumpian/Republican way  -- serious people are gone, and all that remains are interim, acting sycophants.  It's just this sort of genius-in-action which leads the R's to wrap up two solid years of governmental control with another shutdown.  It's their only accomplishment.

It's a comfort to know that Turkey and Russia will handle all Middle East issues from now on, and that our new Secretary of Defense will be a business executive with zero military, diplomatic or governmental experience.  Because Republicans are well-known for their strength in foreign policy and national security.  He-he!!

Remember, it's not "Happy Holidays Without a Paycheck."
It's "Merry Christmas Without a Paycheck."  Got that?

Anyway, Happy Holidays to all!  Unless you're a federal employee without a paycheck.  If that's the case, try to enjoy some interim, acting holidays.  Until you return to work next year, I recommend drinking heavily while sending nasty tweets to Donnie Demento.

We Need Another Goldwater Moment, Because The Crazy Man's Gotta Go

Our fake president's troubles are stacking up -- investigations everywhere, Cohen is in jail, Mueller is circling, his family foundation shut down for fraud, his kids might get indicted, his staff and Cabinet are falling apart, Mattis quit in protest, a federal judge struck down his asylum rules, the same judge told Michael Flynn to spill more beans to Mueller, and the government will probably shut down again just because the Wall Nut won't get his wall -- and he's dangerously disturbed about his predicaments. 

He's in a vindictive mood and it's clear he'll do anything to distract us from all his personal problems.  He just gave Syria to his daddy Vladi as an early Christmas gift, and I wouldn't put it past him to literally start a war somewhere just to change the subject.  He's unstable and out of control, therefore he's gotta go ASAP, by any means necessary -- resignation, impeachment, 25th Amendment, etc.  As much as I'd love the satisfaction of voting out the Largemouth Ass in 2020, we may not be able to afford the risk of waiting that long.  Yeah, we'd have to deal with Pence for a bit, but we'd certainly vote out his tainted ass later.

Sen. Scott, Sen. Goldwater, Rep. Rhodes

In 1974, a group of leading congressional Republicans led by Sen. Barry Goldwater met with Richard Nixon and explained to him that he lacked support on Capitol Hill and would not survive the imminent impeachment hearings.  Nixon resigned two days later.

We could use another Goldwater moment today, where influential Republicans would speak truth to the party's purported leader, explain to him that his presidency is doomed, and they will no longer provide him with drooling lap-dog obedience.

But today's invertebrate GOP isn't built that way.  The only time the R's show any strength of character is when they resign in principled protest.  That's something, to be sure, but their principles would have far more meaning and impact if they'd exercise them while still in positions of authority, while they could still try to do something about the unacceptable situation.  Trump has no principles and no respect for anyone, least of all someone who quit on him.

I know it's tough for a worm to stand up, but what do you say, GOP?  Any of you care to try an upright position for a change?

Captain Blunderpants, The Shut-Down King, and Kudos to Kay-suck

Declaring that he has "defeated" ISIS, Captain Blunderpants just decided -- all by himself, and in defiance of expert advice -- to withdraw our remaining American troops from Syria.  I'm a pacifist, not a war hawk, and the U.S. has a meddlesome history of Middle East mess-ups (thanks, Dubya and Dick), so you might think I'd be in favor of this move.  I'd love to see all our service men and women come home, but Dolt 45's decision doesn't pass the sniff test.  It has drawn unanimously harsh criticism from all corners -- D's, R's, diplomats, and the military.  The only people in the world who support it are Putin, Erdogan, and that goddam goofy Rand Paul.  I wonder what my old friend the Libertarian who says that Democrats are weak on foreign policy thinks about this dictum from Donnie Dumpster.

The guy who says he knows more than all the generals apparently doesn't know that 170,000 American troops are deployed in 150 countries around the world, many since the end of WW II.  We have found it prudent to maintain 53,000 in Japan, 35,000 in Germany, 26,000 in South Korea, 12,000 in Italy, 9,000 in Great Britain, and even 4,000 in Bahrain.

Cadet Bonespurs had no qualms about sending 6,000 U.S. troops to the Mexican border for no good reason, but he can find no reason to keep 2,200 troops in Syria.  He's a stable genius, alright.  (a.k.a., a horseshit expert).
___________________________________________

A lawsuit from the New York Attorney General's office has forced the Trump Foundation to dissolve and liquidate because it was a fraudulent "charity."  The A.G. has determined that the Foundation, which was run by Trump and three of his kids (Kremlin Barbie, Beavis & Butthead), was just a cookie jar they operated for their own personal benefit.  Its last charitable contribution was in 1989.  Since then, they've siphoned off $2.8 million in charitable donations for themselves.

The state of New York seeks restitution of that $2.8 million, as well as a ban on Trump's Scamalot family running any charities for the next ten years.  The state will seize all the assets of the foundation, which are $1.7 million in cash and just three physical assets -- an autographed Tim Tebow helmet and two portraits of The Donald himself.  All three were purchased for the Foundation with the Foundation's money, i.e. other people's donations to charity.  What charitable work!  To claw back the rest of $2.8 million, New York may need to sue Trump and his Stepford Kids personally.  He-he.

The Shut-Down King can now add his fake foundation to the lengthy list of his other shut-downs:  Trump Casino, Trump University, Trump Magazine, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Airlines, Trump Mortgage, Trump Tower-Tampa, Trump the Fragrance, Trump Menswear, Trump Mattresses, and Trump Government Shutdown of January 2018.  And it looks like there will soon be a Trump Government Shutdown of December 2018.  He plays to his strengths.
___________________________________________

John Kasich, governor of Ohio for a couple more weeks, kept his promise yesterday when he vetoed a stupid gun rights expansion bill.  Today or tomorrow, he'll keep another promise by vetoing a stupid "heartbeat" abortion ban bill.  The state legislature may try to override the vetoes, not because most Ohioans support these stupid bills, but only because the legislature has a gerrymandered GOP majority.  Will enough Republicans show up after Christmas to give conserva-tards the two stupid, crazy laws they crave so desperately?  Will Ohio continue doing its imitation of Mississippi?  I hope not, but we'll see.

I applaud Kasich for his reasonable stance on these two issues.  But don't be misled into believing he's a palatable moderate worthy of White House consideration.  His track record says otherwise.  Granted, Kasich can occasionally appear to be moderate, but that's only in contrast to today's far-out brand of hateful Trumpist Republicanism.  At heart, he's still Krazy Kay-suck.  Samantha Bee put it in proper perspective when she said, "The so-called moderate Kasich is like the least disgusting toilet stall in the bus station bathroom." 

Buster's Christmas Collection

Here are a few new ones:

And some classic re-posts:

Buster Wishes You Happy Humorous Holidays!

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -- Phyllis Diller

Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people once a year. -- Victor Borge

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap Dept. and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he'd know when to stop unwrapping. -- Steven Wright 

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. -- Richard Lewis

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -- George Carlin

I once wanted to be an atheist, but I gave up -- they have no holidays. -- Henny Youngman

Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty . . . and it was worth it, you fat judgmental bastard! -- Anonymous

There are 3 stages of man:  He believes in Santa Claus;  He does not believe in Santa Claus;  He is Santa Claus. -- Bob Phillips

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. -- Garrison Keillor

Where do you think you're going?  Nobody's leaving.  Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned, family Christmas.  No, no!  We're all in this together.  This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! -- Clark Griswold

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk.  This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to. -- P.J. O'Rourke

How To Greet Me During The Holidays

I’m inviting all my friends and family to greet me however they jolly well please during this holiday season, and I will do the same.  Let’s remember that the Christmas season often coincides with other celebrations, so to each his own, and Happy Holidays to everyone!

I wish you a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a Kwazy Kwanzaa, a Rockin’ Ramadan, a Tremendous Tet, a Super Solstice, and a Festivus for the rest of us!

Tom Lehrer's "Christmas Carol"

Tom Lehrer, a musical comedian popular in the 1950's and 1960's, was one my dad's favorites.  Mine too.  One of Lehrer's best was his satiric "Christmas Carol".

A couple years ago, I posted just the lyrics, which have cracked me up for decades.  This year, let's hear the music too: