The Articles Of Faith

The scene:  A large auditorium somewhere in Midwest America, filled to capacity.  Four shadowy figures take the darkened stage.  Slowly, the stage lights come up to reveal the four:  Paul Ryan, holding Ayn Rand’s book Atlas Shrugged; Roger Ailes, holding the transcript from last night’s Sean Hannity telecast; Grover Norquist, holding his Taxpayer Protection Pledge;  and from the US Chamber of Commerce, Tom Donohue, holding a copy of the Citizens United decision.

As the audience whispers in appreciative recognition, a giant 30-foot tall photo image is projected onto a screen behind the four.  It's Charles and David Koch.  Suddenly a disembodied voice – rich and deep, like a cross between Orson Welles and NFL Films John Facenda –  booms from the PA system through the hall:

“Loyal minions, having already sworn a vow of allegiance upon the Sacred Texts displayed upon our stage, please rise now and remain standing as I recite the eternal verities, our Articles of Faith:

“We assembled here today promise to always oppose worker rights, consumer rights and civil rights.  Instead, we will speak euphemistically of enterprise and self-reliance and liberty.

“We oppose liability lawsuits brought against corporations and the insurance/hospital/medical industry.  We call this tort reform.

“We oppose organized labor.  We will work to destroy unions with right to work laws.

“We oppose minimum wage laws.  We prefer free market principles.

“We oppose public education.  We favor private, for-profit schools at all levels.  In this area, we will speak in code words like vouchers, parental choice, charter schools, and under-performing city schools.  Remember that ‘private’ is always good and ‘public’ is always bad.

“We strongly support Big Oil, Big Coal, Big Agriculture, Big Pharma, Big Medical, Big Insurance and Big Banking.  In exchange for massive campaign contributions, we promise to always do their bidding, for they are the holiest of holies, they are The Job Creators.

“We oppose renewable energy.  We support fracking, tar sands and coal-burning power plants.  We believe in clean coal and energy independence.  When we say ‘Drill, Baby Drill!’, we understand that it means investing in American energy and creating American jobs.  (Notice how rarely we say ‘oil’ or ‘coal’.  It’s always ‘energy.’)

“We oppose all environmental protection laws, including simple recycling.  Such rules are costly job-killing regulations and unnecessary government interference.

“We oppose voting rights, and support all voter suppression efforts in an attempt to rig the game for our own benefit.  We prevent voter fraud.

“We encourage gerrymandering to unfairly give us guaranteed seats for decades in the U.S. House and in state legislatures.   This is redistricting reform.

“We adamantly oppose Obamacare, mainly because we’re so beholden to our Big Insurance/Big Medical benefactors.  We will continue to insist it’s a job-killing/Death Panel/Big Government takeover of your healthcare (although we know it’s not).  We will continue to pass frivolous, symbolic repeal votes in the House, e.g. ‘The Keep the IRS Off Your Healthcare Act of 2013’.

“We proclaim that Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are Big Government entitlements and are going broke.  Therefore, they must be privatized and/or have their benefits severely cut.  This would bring flexibility and choice.

“We support the private, for-profit prison industry which exists to exploit inmates as a source of ultra-cheap labor.  This is reduced cost vocational training.

“We oppose immigration reform and citizenship for immigrants (because then they could vote).  We prefer to raise a stink about border security and penalties and going to the back of the line.

“We support the NRA, Stand Your Ground laws, concealed carry, civilian purchases of military-grade weapons, and guns in classrooms, businesses and government buildings.  We oppose background checks and limits on ammo.  We emphasize self-defense, public safety, and our proud American gun heritage.

“We oppose safe, legal abortion services.  We oppose a woman’s right to choose.  We will work to repeal Roe v. Wade.  We talk about right to life, fetal heartbeats, and transvaginal probes.

“We deny the undeniable fact of global warming/climate change.  We speak instead of incomplete science and natural warming and cooling cycles.

“We oppose gay marriage rights and will work to ban it at the state level (since that federal DOMA thing didn’t work out).  We have special knowledge of God’s intention and family values.

“We promote Christianity to the exclusion of all other religions, citing (incorrectly) our founding as a Christian nation.

“We believe that all taxes and all social welfare are inherently evil and must be cut or eliminated.  All government expenditures are always bloated, wasteful and intrusive.

“To get our way, we will hold our breath, stomp our feet, filibuster, threaten federal shut-down, create fiscal cliffs and sequestrations, and obstruct every damn thing.  Our boilerplate code-words are:  Tax & spend.  Fiscal responsibility.  Culture of dependency.  Welfare queen.  ‘Get a job, ya lazy [insert favorite ethnic slur here].’ 

“These are the Articles of Faith.  Mind them well.  And now, good minions, go forth from this blessed spot to the 114^th Congress and do what you always do -- abso-friggin'-lutely diddly-squat, zippo, zilch, nada, nuthin!  Until next time, farewell.  These gentlemen will show you out.”