BP Still Sucks

We're the fossil fuel industry, and we're here to help!  Don't think of us as miners and drillers and frackers -- call us "energy investors."  Yeah, that's it!




[Actual transcript, snarkified ala Buster]

When we made our commitment to the Gulf (because we were legally obliged to clean up our mess), BP had two big goals:  help the Gulf recover (since we were the ones who poisoned it), and learn from what happened ('cause at the time, we had no fuckin' clue) so we could be a better, safer energy company.  (Not petroleum.  Energy, dammit!)  I've been with BP for 24 years (but I'm still too young to retire, so I'm making this stupid TV ad for a nice, fat bonus).  I was part of the team that helped deliver on our (forced) commitments to the Gulf.  I can tell you that safety is at the heart of everything we do.  (Well, at least now it is.  And look -- "safety" is written on the back of their hardhats.  What more do you need?)  We've added cutting-edge safety equipment and technology, like a new deep-water well cap (better late than never) and a state-of-the-art monitoring center where experts watch over all drilling activity 24-7.  (Lord knows, we need to be watched.)  And we're sharing what we've learned so we can all produce energy more safely (if you consider an off-shore drilling platform 11 miles out into the Arctic Ocean "safe").  Safety is a vital part of BP's (required) commitment to America and to the nearly 250,000 people who work with us here (including all the 3rd-shift gas station clerks).  We invest more in the U.S. than anywhere else in the world, over $55 billion here in the last 5 years (much of it in fines and legally mandated reparations), making BP America's largest energy investor.  (Investor, gambler, payer of damages, what's the difference?)  Our commitment (to repairing our image) has never been stronger.