The Perfect Solution To The Redskins Problem

The U.S. Patent Office will not renew patent and trademark protections for the name and logo of the NFL's Washington Redskins, citing the "disparaging of Native Americans".  It will cost the team some merchandising money, but doesn't mean the team must necessarily change its name.  Owner Dan Snyder is stubbornly appealing the decision, but he ought to drop the appeal, change the name, and join the 21st century. 

Sports team nicknames based on American Indians/Native Americans were once fairly common, but the heyday was 100 years ago, give or take.  Back then, the names were intended as an honorific, highlighting the courage and bravery of Native American tribes. Of course, all this honor-naming was done by old white men who never asked any real Indians what they thought.  (If you were a Native American living back then, you were a survivor of a recently-concluded genocide, happy just to be breathing, and probably not too concerned with what those damn white people called their sports teams.)  

But what was once acceptable and cool can gradually turn offensive and pathetically out of touch, e.g. using the "N" word, smoking, mullets and Zubazz pants.  Native American groups began to speak out and express their displeasure at the use of Indian names and imagery in the sports world.  They didn't see it as an "honor", and given the prevalence of white people in "Indian" costumes whooping and tomahawk-chopping at ball games across the country, you could understand their point.

High schools and colleges took the hint and started ridding themselves of Native American references.  The Syracuse Orangemen became the Orange; the Stanford Redmen are now the Cardinal; the St. John's Redmen are the Red Storm.  A few holdouts remain:  the Florida State Seminoles, the Central Michigan Chippewas.

There are still a handful in the pro ranks:  MLB's Cleveland Indians and Atlanta Braves; the NHL's Chicago Blackhawks; the NFL's Kansas City Chiefs and, of course, the Redskins.  In reverse order of notoriety:

5.  The Chiefs employ an arrowhead on their helmets, but that's about it for their aboriginal imagery.

4.  The Blackhawks logo is a basic, rather child-like, line-drawing of an Indian head in profile.

3.  The Braves have phased out their old war-whooping Indian logo, said goodbye to mascot Chief Nok-A-Homa and his tepee in the bleachers.  (After a homer, the Chief would come out of his tent and do a dance.)  The Braves still sometimes work a tomahawk into their logo, and their fans remain fond of the tomahawk chop.

2.  With the Cleveland Indians, the big problem is their Chief Wahoo logo -- the goofy cartoon caricature with its crazily grinning "Chief" has been in use for decades, and has been a sore spot for Native Americans for just as long.  They say the image is degrading, and it's kinda hard to disagree.  The team is finally phasing out Chief Wahoo in favor of a block "C", but he still shows up on a sleeve or helmet from time to time.  (Full disclosure:  Your humble correspondent owns two Wahoo caps, a tee-shirt and even swim trunks.  Hey, Cleveland is my team!)


1.  Most notorious are the Redskins, primarily for the name.  To my knowledge, they are the only sports team named literally for a skin color.  Why not pick a different epidermal shade?  How about the Washington White Supremacists?  The Washington Rhythmic Black Boys?  The Yellow Mathematicians?  The Gross Racial Stereotypes?  C'mon!

It's time for Snyder and his lawyers to give up this fight.  The longer he drags it out, the more he looks like Donald Sterling.  And that's not a good look.  Danny, here's my advice -- pick a new name and logo, get your patent/trademark protections, and start marketing the hell out of your team's new identity.  Don't be a putz!  You have a successful NFL franchise in our nation's capital.  You'll be just fine.

The history of American sports has many examples of a team changing its name, not because of a geographical move (e.g. the Browns turned into the Ravens), but just because somebody thought the name should change:

In football, the Chicago Staleys are now the Bears.  The New York Titans are the Jets.

In basketball, the Washington Bullets traded ammo for magic and are now the Wizards.

In baseball, the New York Highlanders became the Yankees.  The Brooklyn Superbas turned into the Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers, then just the Dodgers.  The Boston Beaneaters changed into the Boston Braves.  The Cleveland Spiders are now the Indians.  The Houston Colt .45's (logo featuring a smoking gun) are the Astros.

Shit happens and things change.  Washington's NFL team needs a new name.  Since the current D.C. baseball team is known as the Nationals, I suggest the football team go with the old leftover baseball name, the Washington Senators.  (Old baseball joke:  "Washington -- first in war, first in peace, last in the American League.")

Those who don't feel like honoring our lawmakers with the Senators name may prefer the Washington Gridlocks.  Has a certain ring to it!

But wait!  An old friend has the perfect solution to this problem:

Keep the name, and change the logo to a potato!