(Sent by a faithful reader, and promptly re-posted/stolen by Buster. Ha!)
_____________________________________________________
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal
attitudes and politics, and we decided we're
leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own
country, and we're taking the other Blue States
with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois
and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial
to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened
States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, Arizona and all the
slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best
beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth
Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get
OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole
Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture
capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22
percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will
have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality
wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sisters schools plus
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to
cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92%
of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Liberty University, Oral Roberts University and the University of Arkansas - Bugtussle branch.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank
you.
Thirty-eight percent of those in the Red States believe
Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're
discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a
theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals than we left-leaners.
We're taking all the good weed too. You can
have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Citizens of the Enlightened
States of
America
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