Gallagher To Sue Boehner

Buster has learned that washed-up 1980's comedian Gallagher has filed a lawsuit against Speaker of the House John Boehner, charging him with trademark infringement.

Said Gallagher, "Everybody knows 'The Really Big Hammer' is my schtick, my thing. I'm famous for it. Now here comes this political dude, and he suddenly has a really big gavel? No watermelons yet, but just wait. It's an obvious ripoff! No fuckin' way, man."

Boehner replied that "imitation is the most sincere form of flattery" and said that "Gallagher has always been my favorite comic." He added that he would smash "only the job-killing watermelons."

Michele Bachmann, Madwoman of Minnesota

Michele Bachmann is a Republican Congresswoman from Minnesota. An actual, genuine U.S. Representative. I cannot explain how the good people of the Gopher State allowed this to happen, because there's no one out there who can top her for embarrassingly ignorant statements. Maybe Palin on a really good/bad day.

A sampling of bizarre logic and bat-shit crazy, straight from Bachmann's small, bent brain directly to her mouth:

"No one that I know disagrees with natural selection — that you can take various breeds of dogs ... breed them, you get different kinds of dogs," she said. "It's just a fact of life. ... Where there's controversy is (at the question) 'Where do we say that a cell became a blade of grass, which became a starfish, which became a cat, which became a donkey, which became a human being?' There’s a real lack of evidence from change from actual species to a different type of species. That's where it's difficult to prove."

"Gay marriage is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understanding that."

"[Terry Schiavo] was healthy. There was brain damage, there was no question. But from a health point of view, she was not terminally ill."

"And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge can say to little children that you can't say the Pledge of Allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it."

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970's that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

"There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design."

"Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas."

"Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second-graders, is take a picture of "The Lion King" for instance, and a teacher might say, 'Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?' The message is, I'm better at what I do because I'm gay."

"If we took away the minimum wage -- if conceivably it was gone -- we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."

"I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I'm not a deep thinker on all this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I'm not a scientist."

I Should Have Such Problems!

Earlier this month, Playboy's Hugh Hefner announced he was engaged to be married to yet another former Playmate. This one's name is Crystal Harris. He's 84, she's 24.

Naturally, his doctors cautioned him about the potential health hazards of such a marriage. Said Hef, "Hey, if she dies, she dies."

K.O. Is KO'd At MSNBC

Nobody saw it coming. MSNBC's Keith Olbermann announced during last night's telecast that it would be his last as the host of Countdown. There was no prior notice, and K.O. gave no reason. The liberal icon is brilliant and hilarious, but he works on his own terms and is notorious for his refusal to kowtow to higher-ups. This is not a useful trait if you're into job security. Years ago, he blew himself up at ESPN and, probably, he's done it again.

Olbermann's articulate rants would piss off all the redneck red-staters (many of whom are too dumb to understand him in the first place), and he'd routinely give Fox-wad Bill O'Reilly the verbal finger. His nightly segment, "Worst Person In the World", was classic.

Yes, he's a white-hot leftie, but he always has a little twinkle in his eye. I'll miss him, but he'll turn up somewhere soon. Too talented not to.

Rick Santorum's Racist Family-Values Dumbfuckery

Rick Santorum is a former Republican Senator from Pennsylvania. He is a conservative Christian to the extreme who fancies himself a potential 2012 Presidential candidate.

This week on the Christian cable channel CBN Santorum repeated for the umpteenth time that he believes life begins at the precise moment of conception (with fertilization instantly creating itty-bitty microscopic men and women.)

He claimed that Barack Obama does not share that belief. Rick said he therefore finds it "remarkable for a black man to say, 'Now we are going to decide who are and who are not people'."

Yes indeed, Ricky, how dare that slave have an opinion on what constitutes an actual human being!

In the "Biggest Idiot In the World" contest, Santorum appears ready to give Sarah Palin a run for her money.

Jesus Is His Brother . . . And You're Not

My grandmother always taught me that politics and religion should never be discussed in polite company. Pretty good advice. (Doesn't apply to Buster's Blog, but I figure you're here by choice.) And it's particularly good advice if you happen to be a politician.

Evidently, the new governor of the state of Alabama disagrees. This Monday, at his swearing-in ceremony, here's what came out of Robert Bentley's mouth: "Anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother. If the Holy Spirit lives in you, that makes you my brothers and sisters. Anyone who has not accepted Jesus, I want to be your brothers and sisters, too."

Huh? His comments were unprovoked and appropos of nothing. They certainly had nothing to do with becoming governor. He said the spirit moved him and he couldn't help himself. Hallelujah! Gov. Bentley also promised that at his next speech, he would handle snakes and speak in tongues.

In the photo above, Bentley shows us how he'd "smite the heathen non-believers", as called for in the Alabama Revised Code.

Suddenly, Kasich looks good by comparison.

A Sensible Gun Policy

The recent rampage in Arizona has reignited the issue of gun control, or rather, the lack thereof. Some have suggested that ammunition clips be limited to 10 rounds, with expanded 50-100 round clips outlawed. Others proposed that it be illegal to carry a gun within 100 yards of a federal employee.

These are good ideas, but are also essentially wimpy half-measures. No such small stuff for Buster. Let's think big (or at least as big as I can manage after 10 minutes of heavy cogitation.) And so, here is my proposed legislation: Buster's Ammo & Gun Reduction Act for Safe Households, a.k.a. BAGRASH.
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This is federal law, and all future gun/ammo laws will be federal. States and localities have no trump cards. Arizona can go piss up a rope.

Immediately if not sooner, the National Rifle Association gets its nuts cut off. This is the worst PAC/lobbying organization in the country. I cannot understand how these assholes gained so much traction in recent decades. Their policies have done nothing but increase the number of guns and the amount of bloodshed in America. So, in the interest of the greater good, all reasonable citizens agree to legislate the NRA out of business. We'll shut 'em down, seize their assets, and never allow anything like them to exist again.

You're a gun owner? Relax. Buster will let you keep them (even though your 2nd Amendment "right" to arm bears or bear arms or whatever is a MYTH. More on that another time.). Just two stipulations:
1. You must register all your guns with the federal government -- all of 'em, and in person.
2. You take and pass a basic mental health exam every 3 years.
Fees, possibly substantial, will apply. But complete these two simple steps and you'll have legal possession of federally licensed firearms. If it takes a month of Sundays to complete the process, sorry, deal with it. If you don't go through the process, your guns are illegal. If discovered, they'll be confiscated and you'll be subject to fines and jail time.

You're a "collector" with numerous guns? See the previous point. Register your entire collection and pass your psycho test and you'll get licenses for each of your guns. One more stipulation:
If your collection includes automatic weapons, assault rifles, howitzers, cannon, grenades, bazookas and the like, these pieces will have their firing pins removed and permanent trigger locks installed during registration. And ammo for such things is no longer available for purchase by private citizens. You may gaze upon your mini-arsenal with dewy-eyed fondness, but you're just not gonna be able to fire the fuckin' things!

Gun dealers must hold a federal license as well. The bar for this license will be set high. Approved dealers will be few and far between. Many current gun retailers will disappear.

Gun dealers will have old-time bankers' hours, open 9 to 3 Mon. thru Thurs., 9-5 Fri. No more buying 500 rounds of 9mm ammo at 2:30 a.m. Deal with it.

Gun dealers will sell genuine hunting rifles, shotguns, selected handguns, ammo for same, and that's it. Machine guns and military-grade weaponry are unavailable to the general public. And no, you don't "hunt" with an AK-47.

Any and all ammo is available only at federally-approved gun dealers. Big-box retailers like Wal-Mart are not on the list. The amount of ammo purchased will be severely restricted, registered, and tracked. Buying case-load quantities of shells is out of the question.

Gun sales between licensed private owners are strictly forbidden. You want to sell your gun? Sell it to a federally-approved gun dealer. Want to buy a gun? Same deal.

You're a would-be first-time gun buyer? OK, probably, but no guarantee. And be patient, because this is gonna take awhile. There will be a lengthy application, a thorough background check, and a comprehensive psychological evaluation. With fees. Those with even the slightest bit of hinkyness will wash out. Those who make the cut must then take and pass a gun safety program. Only then may they purchase and register their gun. All this hoop-jumping may take 6-9 months, so don't be in a hurry. And basic psych exams will still be required every 3 years.

On a go-forward basis, any new gun owner may legally possess no more than 3 guns at any one time -- 1 rifle, 1 shotgun, and 1 pistol.

Current owners who already have more than 3 guns are grandfathered in and can keep them, but can't add to their number. You're more than sufficiently armed right now, thank you very much! If you want to buy a new rifle, you'll need to sell or trade one of your old ones at the same time.

Your license to possess a specified firearm cannot be sold or transferred to another person. It applies to you and only you.

As personal property, guns may be bequeathed in a valid will, and may be subject to probate. Heirs may legally inherit up to 3 guns per person, subject to the standard licensing process. If more than 3 guns are bequeathed, the excess weapons may be sold, or the excess may be kept if they are properly licensed, then disabled (no firing pin, trigger lock). Choose wisely, Grasshopper!

Private citizens have no right to carry or display a gun in any public place. Never, ever. This is real life, not a cowboy movie. Concealed carry, open carry? A stupid, dangerous policy. It's history! Try it, and you will not pass Go, you will not collect $200, but you will proceed directly to jail.
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And there you have it. None of the foregoing would apply to law enforcement and military personnel. They can have any sort of weapons they want, and in any quantity.

Yes, I know the BAGRASH plan does not deal with the black market in illegal guns and ammo. That's a hard one. Where there's a will, there's a way. And you know the NRA will trot out its old logic-challenged slogans and shriek that "When RPG launchers are outlawed, only outlaws will have RPG launchers!" Wait a sec. I forgot I already eliminated the fuckin' NRA. Hot damn, that's a good thing!

For the rest of us, BAGRASH would slow things down and make buying a lethal weapon a bit more challenging and a bit less impulsive than buying a Big Mac. This would be a good thing. Long term, it would slowly but steadily reduce the number of those lethal weapons. Another good thing.

And it's all a dream. Not a snowball's chance in hell of any of the above actually happening. Oh well.