Nixon Speaks From The Grave (And He's Still A Dick!)

The Nixon Library just released more tapes from the notorious Oval Office recording system. To no one's surprise, they reinforce the fact that Richard Nixon was a nasty racist bastard, despite his claims to the contrary. Some of Tricky Dick's pearls of wisdom:

Israeli Jews are OK, but American Jews are "aggressive and obnoxious."
"Italians don't have their heads screwed on tight."
"The Irish can't drink. They get mean. Particularly the real Irish."
Black Americans won't become valuable citizens for "another 500 years. What has to happen is they have to be, frankly, inbred."

Nixon's been dead for years. Whenever a new batch of his tapes is released, his daughters probably wish they were too.

Boehner Boo-Hoos Crocodile Tears

60 Minutes aired a bio piece on John Boehner last night. The soon-to-be Speaker of the House has a hell of a story. He grew up in a Democratic household, one of 12 kids in a 2 bedroom house. From the age of 10, he worked in his grandpa's bar sweeping and cleaning. He worked his way through college, then took a sales job with a plastics company. Eventually he rose to become president of that company. Truly admirable.

As a neo-millionaire business executive, he decided his business and personal income taxes were unfair, and so converted to the Republican Party. He took up golf and joined Cincinnati's Hyde Park Country Club, which to this day denies membership to blacks, hispanics and Jews. (Infamously, they once turned down UC god and NBA Hall Of Famer Oscar Robertson.) He moved his family to the exclusive (and lilly-white) suburb of West Chester. The community bylaws do not literally ban residence by Democrats, but they might as well. He was first elected as a State representative, then a U.S. representative, and is often reelected without opposition.

On TV last night Boehner demonstrated what a dramatically leaky faucet he can be. Whenever he feels the need to soften up his usual mean old horse's ass persona, he turns on the tears. It's remarkable, and it's bullshit. He said he can't visit elementary schools because the mere sight of little kids chokes him up. While sniffling and snotting all over Leslie Stahl, Boehner blubbered, "Making sure these kids have a shot at the American Dream like I did is important." (As if someone is holding kids back. Probably Obama.)

Oh, boo-fuckin'-hoo, John! Boehner's version of the American Dream does not include Social Security, unemployment insurance, health insurance, Medicare, safety regulations, or labor unions. I guess he believes those things interfere with the American Dream.

Reality is that today's kids have the same shot he did, maybe even better in some ways. But taking the shot and making the shot can be two different things. We can't all grow up to be wealthy business owners.

Boehner seems to have forgotten this. For the sake of money and political power, he has forgotten and forsaken his own roots. Of his 11 siblings, 2 are unemployed and the rest work in blue-collar jobs. Interesting, isn't it? How much were they helped by tax cuts for millionaires?

Sarah Palin Sent Me A Christmas Card!

(Click the link)

http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/user_photos/1163788/Palin-Christmas-Card_original.jpeg?112d666e

Good News For The Unemployed. Even Better News For Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and LeBron James

President Obama wanted an extension of emergency unemployment benefits (would increase the deficit). He also wanted to let the Bush tax cuts expire for top-bracket incomes over $250,000 (would decrease the deficit). I like his thinking on both counts. Congressional Republicans were opposed to the unemployment extension unless it was "paid for" (balanced by an equivalent spending cut). The R's were also adamant about keeping the tax cuts in place for all income levels, including gajillionaires (would increase the deficit). Typical GOP junk food.

So both sides got together, channelled Monty Hall, and chose Door Number 3, behind which Obama gave the R's two more years of their precious tax cuts for the rich, and they gave him 13 more months of unemployment benefits. But they also twisted his arm for a temporary cut in payroll (Social Security) taxes and a hefty cut to the estate tax.

The Republican hypocrisy in all this is simply stunning. The idea that the wealthy need and deserve an income tax break is indefensible. To reduce revenue in two other areas is mind boggling. Hey, R's! How is any of this "paid for"? It's not, not any of it. It increases the deficit (a lot), but the R's flat don't care. They got their tax cuts, and that's the only thing they truly care about.

New Rule: Republicans are no longer allowed to complain about the deficit. Not one word. Their credibility is less than zero. The Clinton-Era tax rates actually gave us a small budget surplus. Then Dubya's unfunded tax cuts and military adventures took us quickly in the other direction, and Republicans cheered all the while . Now the R's shake-down of Obama only takes us deeper in the hole.

Congressional Democrats are understandably pissed that Cousin Barry made a deal with Republicans on the tax issues. But it was probably the only way to get the unemployment extension. And some hard-right R's are upset about the deal's deficit implications. In the end, Democrats will almost certainly hold their noses and go along with it, and the thing will pass.

This political circus reminds Buster of three old sayings:
You can't please everyone.
A good compromise makes everyone unhappy.
When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.

Final note -- Faithful readers will recall that Buster is in favor of letting all the Bush tax rates expire on schedule, meaning rates would rise across the board. I'm joined in this opinion by conservative Senator George Voinovich and liberal economist Paul Krugman. (And apparently no one else.) Buster, George and Paul -- talk about strange bedfellows!

John McCain Can't Handle The Truth!

Recently, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Admiral Mike Mullen testified before a Senate committee and recommended that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" legislation be repealed. The pair said that a comprehensive study of the issue showed conclusively that military attitudes had changed since 1993, and a vast majority of today's servicemen and women simply don't care if some of their fellow soldiers are openly homosexual. It's simply a non-issue, no BFD. (And really, what a silly law it is. There have always been homosexuals in the armed forces, and always will be. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" doesn't prevent gays and lesbians from joining the military, nor does it attempt to remove them from current service. All it does is say please don't tell me about it.)

One Senator at this hearing had clearly not changed his attitude in the past 17 years, and for him, gays in the military was still an unholy BFD. Yep, it was the would-be President, Sen. John McCain (R, Ariz.). The "Maverick" showed his wrinkled old homophobic ass for all the world to see. McCain said all real soldiers want to keep gays out of the military. He told Gates and Mullen their study was shit, and they had no right to draw conclusions because neither was "commanding troops in the field." (Is McCain? Did he ever? As I recall, he spent the Viet Nam War at the Hanoi Hilton. Maybe his Viet Cong captors were gay Commies who constantly taunted him with their flaming Oriental fagginess. Could give a guy a bad attitude.)

McCain also predicted that Marines especially would not tolerate openly gay comrades and would quit the service and walk off the job. Jeez, I didn't know that Marines were so fragile and sensitive: "Sir, yes Sir! I will gladly wear a 100 lb. field pack. I will happily double-time it all day in the hot sun. I love to crawl through the mud on my belly. You can kick me, punch me, torture me, shoot me, but good Gawd, I ain't gonna serve with no homo! It's too scary!"

Buster is so glad that Old Straight Talk is not our President. It's bad enough he opened the Pandora's Box that is Sarah Palin, but having McCain's own bellicose rhetoric coming out of the Oval Office would be just too scary.

"Hey AEP! Cough Up The Coin!"

Both the PUCO and AEP agree: Based on their profit and loss statement (big profit, no loss), AEP overcharged us here in central Ohio by $149 million last year. If this excess profit were to be refunded, the average AEP customer would get back $102.

But AEP doesn't want to give us a refund. Instead, in their proposal to the PUCO, AEP proposes to voluntarily forego a scheduled 6% rate increase for next year. Such an increase would generate $114 million for AEP, and would add $78 to the average customer's annual bill.

So, let's review that math. AEP acknowledges overcharging us $149 million, but would like to keep $35 million of it anyway. Instead of giving me the $102 I'm owed, they want to give me $78 and tell me to be happy about it.

This sucker deal doesn't have final approval yet, but neither has the PUCO told AEP to fuck off. But I will.

"Hey, AEP! Gimme back my money, you bastards!"

". . . And Don't Call Me Shirley."

(From the "Funny Or Die" website)

Leslie Nielsen died recently, leaving behind an endless supply of quotable lines and some of the most brilliant instances of physical comedy ever put on film. But let's the focus on the former.

The lines. Coming from a dramatic acting background, Nielsen sold every ridiculous line he delivered, simply because you knew that his character was oblivious to that ridiculousness. He believed it. So you believed it.

His performance in Airplane! reinvented the spoof genre, leading to his casting in the short-lived Police Squad!, which of course led to The Naked Gun. When people complain that the current crop of spoofs don't hold a candle to these, the explanation is simple: Because the words are not coming out of Leslie Nielsen's mouth.

Here are some of his best quotes:

From Airplane!

Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No, I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

From Police Squad!

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Frank: We're sorry to bother you at such a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then

Frank: Is there a ransom note?
Ed: Yes, the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
Frank: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Frank: Well, you take a big chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

From The Naked Gun movies

Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America.

Frank: Wilma, I promise you, whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.

Frank: Nice beaver!

Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Ed: You want to take a dinghy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.

Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.

Frank: I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane: He's Caucasian.
Ed: Caucasian?
Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Frank: Awfully big moustache.

Frank: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: One, guns to be thrown down; Two, come on out!

Hapsburg: I don't recall your name on the guest list.
Frank: That's OK. I sometimes go by my maiden name.

Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Quentin Hapsburg: Que sera sera... You do speak French, don't you?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Unfortunately no, but I do kiss that way.

Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Frank: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

Ed Hocken: You might end up dead!
Frank: "You might end up dead" is my middle name.
Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
Frank: I don't know her middle name.

Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.
Frank: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.

Frank: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Ed: Sex, Frank?
Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Frank: That's no way for a man to die. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine. Having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go!

Jane: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball.