Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Of Historical Fact)

The Texas State Board Of Education is about to vote on their approved curriculum and textbook content. They do this every ten years. This time, the board is set to give the OK to a right-wing revision of history. It looks like the 5 million public school kids in Texas will for the next decade learn social studies, economics and history from textbooks running heavy on Christianity, capitalism and states rights. Here are some of the fear-laden, jingoistic, and amazingly nutty changes they propose:

In discussion of the Age Of Enlightenment, Thomas Jefferson has been dropped in favor of humorless churchman John Calvin (who's about as far from enlightened as you can get).

There is no Constitutional basis for the separation of church and state, says Texas.

Kids will be taught that Joseph McCarthy's 1950's witchhunts looking for Commie infiltrators were justified.

Capitalism will be referred to "free enterprise", which has a more positive connotation, says the Board.

The Civil War was not about slavery. It was about states rights.

There will be no mention of Tejanos fighting and dying at the Alamo alongside Col. Travis, Jim Bowie and Davey Crockett.

The U.S. government is prohibited from promoting any one religion over another. Texas schoolkids won't be hearing anything about that.

American History classes will emphasize the conservative movement of the 1980's and 1990's, specifically discussing Phyllis Schlafly, Newt Gingrich's Contract With America, Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association.

There will be no mention of the accomplishments and significance of Ted Kennedy or Sonia Sotomayor, but Texas students will become experts on Ronnie Reagan.

Of the 15 people on the Texas Board, not one is a teacher, economist, or historian. No shit. It shows.

How To Stop The Oil Leak

It's been a few weeks and BP's broken oil well in the Gulf of Mexico is still gushing shitloads of crude every second. The difficulty capping this leak reveals the lunacy of deep-sea oil drilling -- unlike a tanker with a finite capacity, or a dry-land well you can actually get to, an ocean floor leak could conceivably spew oil for years -- decades! -- before it peters out naturally. How long have they been pumping oil in Texas and Kuwait? Imagine all that gunk just flowing freely into oceans. Our world would be fucked for good.

So everyone agrees we gotta find some way to stop this thing in the Gulf, and we gotta find it now. Incredibly, BP never conceived of such a problem occurring and therefore had no response plan. They've admitted they're essentially just making up shit as they go along. Great! First, they tried a big concrete "hat", which didn't work. Neither did a second smaller hat. Now they've claimed a measure of success by inserting a small tube into the much larger broken line and syphoning off a tiny amount of the leaking crude. This is like trying to divert the course of the Mississippi with a soda straw! There have been thoughts of trying to seal it by dumping massive quantities of mud and concrete over the leak. Some have suggested the line could be plugged with chopped up tires and golf balls.

I may have hit upon a solution: As this situation is rapidly becoming a national emergency, I believe we should be able to rely on some of our greatest Americans and finest patriots to heed the call of duty and do whatever it takes, including the ultimate sacrifice, to stop this leak immediately. The break is in a big 20-inch pipe, so it will take some serious plugging to stem the flow.

Dick Cheneyand Sarah Palin have been two of the most vocal advocates for free and easy drillin', so I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping to clean up their own mess. We stuff them into the pipe first. Next we cram Glenn Beck in there and tamp him down good and tight with one his chalkboard pointers. He's always shedding tears of anxiety over the future of his beloved country. Now he can cry tears of joy doing something positive for the future. And we can finally close the thing off with that huge clot in the artery of common sense, Rush Limbaugh. We jam him in there mouth first so he can taste that deliciously natural mix of oil and water, while doing his patriotic duty and saving the Gulf from further devastation. If there are still any minor cracks or leaks, we'll seal them with Ann Coulter.

I'm tellin' ya, it'll work, and it'll be a hell of a public service to boot.

Smart vs. Experienced vs. Ordinary People vs. The L Word

President Obama has nominated Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court, to fill the seat of the retiring John Paul Stevens. She's the current Solicitor General, representing the U.S. government in cases before the Court. She got her law degree from Harvard, clerked for Thurgood Marshall, worked in the Clinton White House, taught at the University of Chicago Law School, and then was the first female dean at Harvard Law. She is said to be a brilliant legal scholar who plays well with others and is open to all viewpoints, a sort of MENSA mensch. If confirmed, Kagan would be the third woman on the current court. (Perfect proportion would be four and a half women!)

Because Kagan's the nominee of Obama the Anti-Christ and is obviously not a card-carrying member of the John Birch Society, Senate Republicans are duty bound to find some sort of fault with her, however lame. Here's what they've come up with:

1. She's "inexperienced", meaning she's never been a sitting judge. So we should discount all her credentials, forget that she's the country's preeminent Constitutional expert, and give her the thumbs-down because she's never been a judge. Neither had Felix Frankfurter, William Rehnquist, and many others, but forget that too. If it's experience we must have, there are tens of thousands of experienced judges in America. Pick one. How about the traffic court judge from Kokomo? How about Harry Anderson from Night Court?

2. She's an academic who couldn't possibly understand ordinary people in the real world. This is the "Ivy League smarty-pants" argument, which ignores the fact that all the other current justices graduated from either the Harvard or Yale law schools. So it's OK for those eight, but not OK for her? Don't recall anyone bitching about Sam Alito's Ivy League background. And being a smart and educated person is a good thing, especially for a Supreme Court Justice. We've suffered through a whole bunch of dumb in recent years. Right now, I'll take all the smart I can get. But if you really believe the Court should save a seat for the ordinary common man, how about Calvin Borel for the Supreme Court? The Ragin' Cajun jockey is an illiterate eigth-grade dropout, but he can ride horses and count money. Calvin is common as dirt. He'd be a wondermous Justice, I guar-ron-tee!

3. She's a lesbian. Maybe, maybe not, but so what if she is? Who fucking cares? What does that have to do with anything? I hope she is a lesbian. She can do it with donkeys for all I care. Imagine this exchange at her confirmation hearing:

Douchebag Sen. Jeff Sessions (R, Ala.): "Now Ms. Kagan, you're unmarried, is that correct?"

Kagan: "That's right, Senator Sessions. I'm a lesbian and I'm unmarried because assholes like you won't let me. How about you, Jeffy? You married? You like women or men? I bet you go for little boys, you fuckstick!"

That won't happen, of course, but one these days it ought to!

Anyhow, I like the academic smarty-pants lesbian who hasn't been a judge . . . yet. Need more like her.

Bye-Bye, Bron Bron??

The Cavs were bounced from the playoffs in six games by the Celtics. This was supposed to that championship season. Instead, they didn't even make it to the conference finals. We were all witnesses alright -- witnesses to an inexplicably listless finish to an otherwise great season. LeBron's elbow was hurting more than he let on, and Game 5 was a throw-in-the-towel stinker. The next day, there was Sports Illustrated in my mailbox with Shaq on the cover, which asked if he could "deliver a ring to the King?" That question was answered soon enough.

So now, whither Bron Bron? Will he be content as a super-wealthy but loyal homey in mid-market Cleveland, or will he pursue the obscene riches and sky-high profile of New York or Chicago?

As Steven Wright once quipped, "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" Think about what you already have, LeBron. You already have more money than you'll ever need. You're already known world-wide. You're the league's best player on a very good, fun-lovin' team -- a team that would again be a favorite to win it all if you return. Re-up with the Cavs and you're a huge hero in Ohio. Win us a title and you're a god. Stay, LBJ, stay.

"Doctor He See You Now, Mon"

(Thanks to my sister Jan for sharing this story with me. I merely repeat it.)

Not long ago, my nephew Chris and his girlfriend Megan returned to the states after 6 months or so living and working on the Caribbean island of Guadeloupe, a French protectorate. They both speak French and were there to help teach English to the locals. To do this, Chris had taken a leave of absence from his job, and Megan quit hers. The government of Guadeloupe paid them (a little) and they found a place to stay (which for a time was a cute little house literally on the beach). What a deal! Getting paid to live in a tropical paradise, drink rum, and teach your native language. How come I never stumbled into a sweet gig like that?

Guadeloupe has friendly people, beautiful countryside, gorgeous beaches, and is very "picturesque". An old college professor once taught me that when the travel brochures refer to a place as picturesque, what they mean is poor. And many things in Guadeloupe are, uh, basic -- like spotty electricity, phone service, medical facilities, etc.

I bring this up because near the end of their time there, Megan found herself at one of those medical facilities for an emergency appendectomy! Just what everybody wants -- a picturesque Caribbean operation! The procedure was a success and she's fine, but I'm told the "hospital" was an open-air place, a big tent with gurneys and scalpels. Jesus! ("No problem, mon!")

What's also interesting is that because she was in a French territory with that God-awful, single-payer, Socialized Frog universal health care, her bill was $0. ("Dat doctor, he got de powerful mojo, mon!") Timing is everything. Had Megan's appendicitis occurred after her return to the good old USA, it would have caught her unemployed and uninsured. My sister guesses it would have been a $10,000 procedure here, with billing 100% to Megan. Coulda been a real sucky welcome-home gift!

It's a good example of polar opposites in the world of health care:

In French Guadeloupe, the government pays the witch doctor, and the government pays the hospital tent. These payments are relatively modest compared to American fees, but are the accepted norm. The service is provided, and the patient pays nothing.

In America, the government is not involved (unless you're old or poor). Profit-driven doctors and hospitals provide great service at the highest prices in the world. For most people, most of those costs are covered by some sort of health insurance, but there can still be substantial out-of-pocket costs to the individual. To keep pace with our ever-increasing medical costs, health insurance premiums keep going up, up, up as well. It's a real quid pro quo arrangement. If you're unlucky enough to be uninsured at your moment of medical need, well, those good doctors and hospitals will fix you up and then send you a bill that's even higher than the bill they'd submit for insurance reimbursement. That's right, the uninsured are the only ones asked to pay no-discount sticker price. And many of 'em take one look at that unholy invoice and head straight to bankruptcy court.

Which system is simpler and more sensible? Paraphrasing W.C. Fields, "All things considered, I'd rather be in French Guadeloupe."

Sarah Writes Again

All by herself, Sarah Palin is supplying the Book Of The Month Club with a steady stream of material. My favorite moose-gutter has written another book already. This one's called America By Heart: Reflections On Family, Faith And Flag, and it's due out in November. Lovely title, isn't it? Warm, fuzzy, and basically meaningless -- straight out of the beauty queen playbook. And if you seriously believe that Sarah has spent much time reflecting on anything other than a mirror, you're the only one.

The best comment on this so far has come from Bob Borowitz, who said, "It's official: Sarah Palin has now written more books than she's read."

(The photo doesn't really have much to do with this post, but I love it and I couldn't resist!)

Obama Tells Limbaugh To Jack Off?

A new book claims that President Obama refused to play golf with conservative talk radio star Rush Limbaugh.

In "Rush Limbaugh: An Army of One," which is due out later this month, author Zev Chafets reports that the President rebuffed a suggestion to meet his nemesis on the links. From the New York Post's Page Six:

When President Obama was asked if he would play a round of golf with his talk-radio nemesis Rush Limbaugh, the response, relayed by a top Democrat, was: "Limbaugh can play with himself."

And from the looks of those snappy shorts, Rush is ready to do just that!