How To Stop The Oil Leak

It's been a few weeks and BP's broken oil well in the Gulf of Mexico is still gushing shitloads of crude every second. The difficulty capping this leak reveals the lunacy of deep-sea oil drilling -- unlike a tanker with a finite capacity, or a dry-land well you can actually get to, an ocean floor leak could conceivably spew oil for years -- decades! -- before it peters out naturally. How long have they been pumping oil in Texas and Kuwait? Imagine all that gunk just flowing freely into oceans. Our world would be fucked for good.

So everyone agrees we gotta find some way to stop this thing in the Gulf, and we gotta find it now. Incredibly, BP never conceived of such a problem occurring and therefore had no response plan. They've admitted they're essentially just making up shit as they go along. Great! First, they tried a big concrete "hat", which didn't work. Neither did a second smaller hat. Now they've claimed a measure of success by inserting a small tube into the much larger broken line and syphoning off a tiny amount of the leaking crude. This is like trying to divert the course of the Mississippi with a soda straw! There have been thoughts of trying to seal it by dumping massive quantities of mud and concrete over the leak. Some have suggested the line could be plugged with chopped up tires and golf balls.

I may have hit upon a solution: As this situation is rapidly becoming a national emergency, I believe we should be able to rely on some of our greatest Americans and finest patriots to heed the call of duty and do whatever it takes, including the ultimate sacrifice, to stop this leak immediately. The break is in a big 20-inch pipe, so it will take some serious plugging to stem the flow.

Dick Cheneyand Sarah Palin have been two of the most vocal advocates for free and easy drillin', so I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping to clean up their own mess. We stuff them into the pipe first. Next we cram Glenn Beck in there and tamp him down good and tight with one his chalkboard pointers. He's always shedding tears of anxiety over the future of his beloved country. Now he can cry tears of joy doing something positive for the future. And we can finally close the thing off with that huge clot in the artery of common sense, Rush Limbaugh. We jam him in there mouth first so he can taste that deliciously natural mix of oil and water, while doing his patriotic duty and saving the Gulf from further devastation. If there are still any minor cracks or leaks, we'll seal them with Ann Coulter.

I'm tellin' ya, it'll work, and it'll be a hell of a public service to boot.