DeVos Comes Into Contact With Book For First Time

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- On her inaugural day as the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos came into contact with a book for the very first time in her life.

Cameras were present to capture the historic moment, as DeVos extended her left hand tentatively and eventually touched the foreign object.

After touching the book for approximately one minute, DeVos quickly withdrew her hand and appeared drained by the experience.

"It was not as bad as I thought it would be, to tell you the truth," DeVos said.  "After all these years, it turns out it was nothing to be scared of."

DeVos said she "might touch another book" in the future but gave no specific indication of when that might occur.

Across the nation, millions of Americans reacted to DeVos's confirmation by requesting vouchers that would enable them to select an Education Secretary of their own choosing.

-- Andy Borowitz, newyorker.com