In January, I will have been married 25 years. This means I've had a mother-in-law for the same length of time. My wife's good, but I'm ready to dump her mother. Way back when, I thought she was OK. I've had two and a half decades to revise that opinion.
My mother-in-law has had three husbands so far. She divorced the first one. The second marriage lasted 47 years, until he died. In her mid-70's she quickly married husband #3, who lived a few more years until he too kicked the bucket.
Which husband is the father of her two children, the guy who indulged her as she made them change homes like you and I change socks (all in the same town, including the infamous move literally across the street), the guy who provided for his family, paid for the girls to go to college, and left his wife with lifetime financial security? Husband #2, of course.
And as long as I've known her, which husband has she bitched about constantly, with never a good word to say, even to this day? That'd be husband #2 as well. Go figure.
And now she's 89 and has been in a senior facility since last fall, which is the right place for her. She could have been there a couple years earlier if she had followed our advice to pay a deposit and get on the waiting list. She found that suggestion offensive and ignored it. When she eventually decided to move there, she couldn't believe she had to wait. For months, she complained senselessly. (We tried to tell her.)
She'd been getting fuzzy, especially about money. She swore she had no money and had to "borrow" from Chuck the Magic Broker. (She had plenty. Make that "transfer", not borrow.) She had to pay "$50,000" in income taxes. (Not even close.) Her trip to the dentist cost "$8,000". (Or was it $800? Or $80?) Damn slippery decimal points!
She's also grown quite fuzzy about possessions. She "gave" us a set of dining room chairs that were not hers to give. (She told us she and husband #3 bought them together. Actually, he and his first wife bought them 40 years ago.) We made a 4 hour round trip to pick them up, then another one to take them back. She'd told my wife that she'd give her the old family silver, then changed her mind and literally hid the silver chest. She'd decided she would sell the silver. (For pennies on the dollar? Why? Its value is sentimental, not monetary.) Happily, she relented. After she moved into the retirement village, she became fixated on certain "missing" or "stolen" things. (Nothing was missing.) Oddly, her biggest concerns centered on a bathing suit and an umbrella which she couldn't find. (Going swimming in the rain?)
This weekend she was going to move from her 2 bedroom unit into a 1 bedroom, which was the original plan, but a 2 bedroom was available first and she couldn't wait to get there. But now she tells us she's cancelled that move and will stay put. Why? She's hoping/planning to be married again! And she'd like Dreamboat #4 to move in with her in her 2 bedroom. WTF??!!
She has known her latest boy-toy for all of 3 weeks. We haven't met him. He's 90 and had a "girlfriend" in the same building, but she fell ill and was hospitalized. So he dumped her and took up with my mother-in-law. Nice! The old folks home is just like the commune in Easy Rider! They have not had dinner together yet ("He sits at a different table") but they have walked down the street for lunch. Neither one drives.
And with that, wedding bells? At their age, why bother? You wanna shack up, go for it! Neither of these old coots knows five minutes ago from last Tuesday, and it won't get any better. Why get married if you're gonna forget that you did?
Bottom line, my mother-in-law is a deaf, paranoid, self-centered complainer who's happy only when a man -- any man -- pays attention to her. Her streak of Vanity (yes, capital V) is a mile wide and an inch deep. And no man has successfully dealt with her for very long. Her getting married again at her age wouldn't be some sort of old farts' cutesy fairy tale. It'd be a train wreck.
My advice for her Intended #4: Run, brother, run. Run fast, run far, and don't look back. And if ya can't run, push that friggin' walker!
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