Headlines of 2019

From The New Yorker.

Shouts & Murmurs

December 24 & 31, 2018 Issue

Headlines of 2019: Let’s Get It Over With

By Christopher Buckley

Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

Mueller Rushed to Hospital with “Nerve-Agent-Like” Symptoms

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Trump, Shrugging, Suggests: “Probably Something He Ate”

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Kellyanne Conway Attributes Mueller Collapse to MSG

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Centers for Disease Control Identify Source of Mueller Coma as Novichok, Nerve Agent Used in Assassination Attempt on Former Russian Spy

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Giuliani Sees “Zero Ground” for F.B.I. to Investigate “So-Called Attack”; MSG and Novichok “Often Confused”

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Oval Office Log Reveals Visit by Head of Russian Germ-Warfare Unit Just Prior to Mueller Poisoning

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Trump Says Timing of Meeting with Russian Germ-Warfare Czar a “Completely Total Coincidence”: Topic Was “Russian Adoptions”

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CNN Reporter Collapses After Being Touched by White House Aide Wearing Face Mask and Latex Gloves; Trump Wishes Jim Acosta “Good Luck” as Paramedics Rush Him from East Room Press Conference

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Trump Denounces “Out of Control” Cost of Mueller Medical Treatment; Calls Coma “Preëxisting Condition”

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Democrats Denounce Trump Move to Shut Bethesda Naval Hospital, Leaving Mueller “Out on the Street”

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Trump Tweets: “Do I Give a Schitt?”

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Citing Need for Space, Justice Dept. Will Relocate Mueller Offices; Mueller Files to Be Stored at Facility Near Pleasure, Calif.

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Interior Department Forecast: More Fires “Likely”

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White House Issues “Clarification” on Visit by Russian Germ Czar: Trump Sought Guidance About Poisoning “Migrants, Not Mueller”

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Trump, Livid Over Media “Obsession” with “Fake Mueller Poisoning,” Retaliates by Urging Rally Fans to Cough, Sneeze on Members of Media

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Ivanka “Not Totally Thrilled” by Trump Call for Sick Fans to Infect Members of Media

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Melania Visits Flu-Stricken Media; Dispenses Moisturizer Samples and Mar-a-Lago Spa Discount Vouchers

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Tests on Moisturizer Samples Reveal Traces of Novichok, Polonium-210, Mandrake Root, Eye of Newt, Sarin

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Report: Air Force KC-135 Tankers Dumping Fuel Over Pleasure, Calif.

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Fire Rages in Pleasure, Calif., Destroying Mueller Offices, Records; Fire Marshal Calls Fire “A Bit Odd”

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Trump: Latest California Fire Result of “Very Poor Raking”

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Mueller Awakens from Coma

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Told of Recent Developments, Mueller Asks Doctors to Medically Induce New, “Permanent” Coma

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Poll: Sixty Per Cent of Americans Also Want to Be Put Into Medically Induced Coma ♦