Just back from my wife's high school reunion, and I think I need a vacation to recover. One of her classmates, Thomas D., had us in tears laughing as he went off on an improv riff about people having babies where he lives in rural western Virginia. Thomas is an odd combination -- off-the-charts super-intelligent and incredibly amusing. Don't know what got him started, but soon people were choking and peeing their pants. His perfect mimicry of the local mountain accent had something to do with it, I'm sure. What follows is inspired by and ripped off from Thomas. I'm sure I screwed it up pretty good and it'll lose a lot in the translation to the printed word. It was one of those things where you just had to be there! But I gave it a shot anyway. Try to read it to yourself with as much of an Andy Griffith/Mayberry twang as you can manage. With apologies, here's to you, Thomas!
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Britney Sue and Cody wuz livin' in Cody's trailer up in the holler by the crick. Her mama Lurleen had always wearied herseff near to death with Britney Sue, 'counta her bein' so wild and stubborn-like. But Britney Sue wuz purt-near 17 and a half when she finally got herseff pregnant, and Lurleen reckoned it didn't make no nevermind now, so she let her move into the trailer with Cody. He wuz jes about 19 and a good kid. Had him job at the Super Dollar grocery down into Grundy. They wuz gonna git married as soon as he could git on the full time hours.
Bein' in the family way, Britney Sue went to the free clinic in town to get herseff checked out and the doctor told her she had the Tattoo Diabeeteeze. She weren't too surprised. Britney Sue always took after her mama, and Lurleen and her kin wuz all real heavy-set people. Most of 'em had the same Tattoo Diabeeteeze, tho' some had the Tat One. Lurleen always said a low metallurgic rate run in the family and that's why they wuz all over-weight. Aunt Nettie Merle even had her that drastic bypass surgery and lost seven pounds. Britney Sue had to cut way back on her co-colas and Krispy Kremes, so's not to give the baby the sugar.
And she cut back some on chores too, 'cause Lurleen kep' on tellin' her about MayBelle Hotchkins up on the ridge. MayBelle wuz 'bout 8 months along and one day she fell offa her stool hangin' the worsh out on the line. She was fine, but a month later when MayBelle dropped her calf, Lurleen said the biblical cord wuz wrapped all 'round that baby's poor lil neck an' it were bluer'n a Smurf. Lurleen said it wuz her fallin' offa that durn stool what done it and the only safe thing for Britney Sue wuz to sit on the sofa and watch Dr. Phil.
Comin' as she did from a long line of big people, Britney Sue did try to help herseff a bit. She decided she should smoke an extree pack of Misty's ever' day -- ya know, jes to keep the birth weight down so her young'un might slip on out a bit easier. Lurleen allowed as that weren't sech a bad ideal.
Time went by and a'fore ya knew it, Britney Sue's due date wuz come and gone. She wuz bigger'n a Buick but ain't nuthin' happened and she wuz plumb outta patience. So she and Cody got in the Trans Am and she made him drive over all them bumpy ol' roads back up in the holler. She reckoned all that bouncin' might hurry things up some.
Well, they shore bounced along and banged their heads on the roof and purt-near busted the springs on the Trans Am. Oncet or twicet, Cody thought he mighta even dropped the transmission. But the car wuz OK and nuthin' happened with Britney Sue either. "Well shit, Cody," sez Britney Sue, "we may's well head home."
But then no sooner than they wuz pullin' onto the good road, her waters broke. Lordy, them antibiotic fluids went all over the Trans Am's front seat and the floor mats too. Then jes like that, her contraptions started. Cody said they might maybe oughta call 911 for the am-bew-lance, but Britney Sue said to jes drive her to the hospital on down into Grundy.
By the time they got there, her contraptions wuz jes 5 minutes apart and Britney Sue had her baby directly -- a healthy 12 pound, 9 ounce boy. His proper name is Dale Earl, but they're callin' him "Tank" jes now. Britney Sue said she's shorely glad she smoked all them extree Mistys, else Tank'd a been a 16-pounder easy.
Lurleen told Cody he'd better get him some club soda right quick-like and clean out that Trans Am a'fore it started to smell like Myrtle Beach at low tide.
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Can't wait for the lovely Mrs. Gammons to have her next reunion!
I needed that today LOL
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