Twist, Not A Twist

Buster's Bartending 101

I have a small gripe. Too many of today's bartenders are ignorant of the classic drinks, especially the Martini. Any fool can pour a beer or make a rum and coke, and many of the younger mixologists do a fine job with fruity shots and concoctions with names like "Skip And Go Naked". But just ask 'em for a dry martini, rocks, with a twist, and there's no telling what you'll be served.

Of course, some allowances must be made. You don't go to a campus bar and order a martini. Nor do you order one at the shot n' a beer joint just around the corner from the steel plant. But at any decent watering hole, and certainly at the bar in a nice restaurant, a proper martini is not an unreasonable expectation. Such expectations are too often unmet.

The classic martini is a strong, gin-based cocktail. You shouldn't have to say "gin martini" -- the gin is automatic, unless you specify vodka. (And those are your only two choices, gin or vodka.) The base spirit is combined with a small amount of dry vermouth. The mix should be around 3 or 4 parts gin to 1 part vermouth. For a dry martini, use less vermouth. For extra-dry, just say the word "vermouth" but leave the bottle on the shelf, untouched.

The classic martini is shaken or stirred over ice then strained and served "up" in a stemmed martini glass. Again, the "up" should be automatic, unless you specify "on the rocks." (The same is true of a Manhattan -- served up unless you say rocks.) A drink on the rocks should be served in a "rocks glass" -- a short tumbler with a flat bottom. And speaking of glasses, putting something in an up martini glass doesn't make it a martini. Chocolate/blueberry/strawberry "martinis" are not martinis at all. When I was a kid, my mom served pudding in martini glasses. A yummy dessert, but sure as hell no martini.

The classic martini may be garnished with a twist of lemon, or a green olive, or with nothing at all. (Some like a cocktail onion, which technically turns the drink into a Gibson.) A twist is a bit of the lemon peel or rind (and peel only, no fruit attached), rubbed on the rim of the glass then dropped into the drink. A martini is never served with a lemon wedge or lemon slice -- we're drinking booze, not iced tea. Neither should it come with any form of lime, orange, pineapple, or cherry. "Martini with a twist" means lemon, period. Similarly, the olive must be a green olive stuffed with pimento, although some prefer the olive stuffed with almond, anchovy, or bleu cheese. But it is never a black olive, or a coffee bean, or a jelly bean.

As a long-time member of the drinking class, Buster has ordered his share of martinis while out and about, and many have been iffy. Frequently, it's too weak/has too much vermouth, not enough gin. And there are a whole lot of bartenders who have no idea what a twist is, nor how to make one. On one memorable occasion I was presented with a weak 50/50 martini, with olive, dirty, on the rocks in an up glass with a wedge of lime, already squeezed for my convenience. That shit would gag a maggot!

Eventually, I hit upon a different strategy. I no longer order a "martini." I now order "gin on the rocks." Even the 21-year-old rookie bartender can't fuck that one up!

Saying What Needs To Be Said

by Bill Maher
Posted 3/29/10
on the Huffington Post

New Rule: You can't use the statement "there will be no cooperation for the rest of the year" as a threat if there was no cooperation in the first half of the year. Here's a word the president should take out of his teleprompter: bipartisanship. People only care about that in theory, not in practice. The best thing that's happened this year is when President Obama finally realized this and said, "Kiss my black ass, we're going it alone, George W. Bush style."

Two months ago, conservative Fred Barnes wrote, "The health care bill is dead with not the slightest prospect of resurrection." Well, if it's dead, you just got your ass kicked by a zombie named Nancy Pelosi. Seriously, the last time a Democrat showed balls like that John Edwards' girlfriend was filming it. Make all the botox jokes and she-shops-too-much jokes you want, but this is the biggest political victory a woman has ever achieved in America. Yes, Nancy Pelosi likes nice clothes. So does Sarah Palin. The difference is Nancy Pelosi pays for hers.

But even before the Democrats got to take a single victory lap they were already being warned not to get used to the feeling, and not to get drunk with power. I disagree. All you Democrats: do a shot, and then do another. Get drunk on this feeling of not backing down and doing what you came to Washington to do.

Democrats should not listen to the people who are now saying they shouldn't attempt anything else big for a while because health care was such a bruising battle. Wrong -- because I learned something watching the lying bullies of the Right lose this one: when they're losing, they squeal like a pig. They kept saying things like, the bill was being "shoved down our throats" or the Democrats were "ramming it through." The bill was so big they couldn't take it all at once!

And I realized listening to this rhetoric that it reminded me of something: Tiger Woods' text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote, "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I fuck that ass that I own. Then I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise." Unquote.

And this, I believe, perfectly represents the attitude Democrats should now have in their dealings with the Republican Party: "Shut the fuck up while I slap your face for making noise -- now pass a cap-and-trade law, you stupid bitch, and repeat after me: 'global warming is real!'"

The Democrats need to push the rest of their agenda while their boot is on the neck of the greedy, poisonous old reptile. Who cares if a cap-and-trade bill isn't popular, neither was health care. Your poll numbers may have descended a bit, but so did your testicles.

So don't stop: we need to regulate the banks, we need to overhaul immigration, we need to end corporate welfare including at the Pentagon, we need to bring troops home from... everywhere, we need to end the drug war, and we need to put terrorists and other human rights violators on trial in civilian courts, starting with Dick Cheney.

Democrats in America were put on earth to do one thing: drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th -- and by passing health care, the Democrats saved their brand. A few months ago, Sarah Palin mockingly asked them, "How's that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?" Great, actually. Thanks for asking. And how's that whole Hooked on Phonics thing working out for you?

The Limbaugh Watch

One day and counting. You might recall that Rush Limbaugh recently promised that, should the health care bill pass, he would leave the country. Well, it passed and he's still here. He's not only a fat toad, he's also a big, fat liar! Not exactly a surprise, is it?

Health Care Bill Passes!! Hooray! TEA Baggers & Republicans Pour On The Charm

It was, as Joe Biden famously put it, "a big fuckin' deal." You bet your hair plugs it was, Joe! Legislation to reform health care coverage has passed and will be enacted into law. It is history in our time and a proud moment.

The bill is far from perfect and does far less than it should have, but it still does a hell of a lot and is an undeniably large step in the right direction. Barack Obama has succeeded where so many before him had failed. Great job, Cuz! When the time is right, we can get back to work on a public option and some genuine cost controls for both insurers and providers. But the first step can be the hardest, and that step has been taken.

The Democrats took the step alone. Not a single Republican voted for it (and we should remember that). The R's continue to show unified support for a policy of 47 million uninsured Americans, coverage and claims denied for pre-existing conditions, insurance rescinded in the event of serious illness, bankruptcies caused by medical costs, unconscionable profits and executive pay in the health industry, and the entire god-awful greed-driven status quo! They believe they can make political hay with this abhorrent position. Mitch McConnell says the R's mantra for the mid-term elections will be "Replace & Repeal." John Boehner said passage of the bill was "Armageddon" and got so worked up he turned blue in the face (no easy task for an orange person!).

And the R's good buddies the TEA Baggers put on their usual show of good manners and civility. They took to the streets, the phones, and halls of government with their signature tactics -- vandalism, homophobic epithets, racial slurs, and death threats. Lovely! Sarah Palin, tone-deaf as always, put a map of the U.S. on her website showing supposedly "vulnerable" Democrats in the crosshairs of a rifle scope. Stay classy, Sarah!

Buster suspects he has at least a couple of occasional readers who consider themselves Republicans. What do you make of all this noise and fury? Do you like it? Do you believe it's persuasive? Are you proud? What I hear from a lot of R's I know is, "No, no, I don't approve of that sort of behavior. That's not me. That's not my Republican Party." Douchebag Boehner mumbled a half-hearted denouncement of the TEA tactics, but you could see he had his fingers crossed. Whiny little asshole Eric Cantor wanted us to know that he too had received a nasty phone message.

Sorry, but it won't wash. It's way too late for the R's to distance themselves from the monster they created. Hey boys, you wanted blind, unreasoning anger? Well, you got it. Newt Gingrich pointed the way 16 years ago, and ever since -- on talk radio, on Fox TV, in a few newspapers, and on the web -- you've been encouraging your base of bigoted, Bible-totin', mean stupid cocksuckers. And here they are. This is what you wanted and what you made. You are responsible for it, and you own it! All this ugliness is indeed your Republican Party. Good luck trying to turn it into a pretty picture.

And good luck as well trying to sue the federal government. The new law will require everyone to carry health insurance by 2014. Suddenly, a number of states with Republican governors and attorneys general filed suit, claiming the requirement is an unconstitutional violation of states' rights. While the Constitution does protect states' rights, there's also this little thing in Article 6 known as the supremacy clause, which says: "The U.S. Constitution shall be the supreme Law of the Land, laws of any State to the contrary notwithstanding." There has never been a successful legal challenge to the supremacy clause, and there won't be one now. These lawsuits are DOA, although Beck and Limbaugh will probably scream about them for years.

Polls are GIGO

Opinion polls are like buttholes -- everybody's got one, but I don't want to see yours. These days, it seems that opinion polling is virtually constant, updated minute by minute on every conceivable issue. With every new hot-topic-of-the-moment poll, any real statistical validity becomes less and less likely. You can design a poll to give you any result you desire. Some polls ask stupid questions. Others seek out stupid people. Then there's the double whammy, the poll which is determined to ask stupid questions of stupid people. The results are meaningless. It's Garbage In, Garbage Out.

Lately, there have been opinion polls telling us that the "majority" is "opposed" to health care reform. This bit of truthiness has been widely reported. Less widely reported is the fact that the vast majority of those opposed admit they have no idea what's contained in the legislation. Furthermore, an equally large majority are actually in favor of the various components of the plan once they learn more about it. So is the majority really opposed to health care reform? No, the majority are uninformed reactionary cranks too fuckin' dumb to know what's good for 'em!

Buster reminds you that public opinion polls are only as good as their design, and often that design sucks. Pollsters had Dewey defeating Truman, and they've been wrong many times since. Two suggestions for all of us:

1. Ignore most opinion polls. People say all sorts of goofy shit.
2. Never underestimate the stupidity of your fellow Americans.

Home Depot Sets New Record

The other day, I went to Home Depot and bought two packs of yard bags and a spray bottle of Roundup. Three items total, cost about $10. Pictured at right is the register receipt for this transaction. It's two inches wide and a record-setting eight feet long. It includes the actual receipt, a gift receipt ("Happy Anniversary, Dear. I got you weedkiller!"), a long paragraph on their return policy, a longer paragraph describing how to get a $1 mail-in rebate, several coupons for other products, an invitation to apply for a Home Depot credit card, another invitation to participate in a "brief" telephone survey, and the Reader's Digest version of War And Peace. I folded it up and put it in my wallet, but then I couldn't get my wallet in my pocket.

Weren't we supposed to be a "paperless society" by now? And where the hell is my jet pack?

The Columbus Dispatch Is A Piece Of Shit!

Why do I subscribe to my local newspaper? Surely not for the editorial staff, as reliably conservative a group as ever was. A December editorial said that any health care reform or environmental legislation would be unconstitutional infringements on our liberty. My letter of reply suggested the dumb fuck editor/writer stuff all his cash and guns in his pickup truck and move to Montana, permanently. (It wasn't printed, which is probably a good thing.)

Thursday's Dispatch featured an editorial calling for the defeat of health care reform. Titled "Say No" (the unofficial Republican motto), it was an argumentative screed which had nothing to say about the need for reform, the benefits which might result, the moral imperative to do something about the current system. Nope, it was all about costs. The Dispatch says the Congressional Budget Office is a bunch of know-nothing morons who can't add two plus two. The Dispatch says that, contrary to the CBO findings, the reform bill would not pay for itself and would increase the deficit. The Dispatch says that access to care would be made more difficult, because adding 31 million newly insured people would result in long lines at medical facilities. (Hell, yeah! Especially if they all show up at once! What a staggeringly arrogant attitude -- "I couldn't possibly wait in a line, so fuck all those awful uninsured people.") The Dispatch says that by expanding the pool of insured people, premiums will increase. This statement is unsupportable, ignorant, and exactly backwards. Expanding the pool spreads the risk over larger numbers and reduces the loss ratio, which allows for lower premiums for all. This is the essence of any good group insurance product. Most people understand this intuitively.

The Dispatch does not. The Dispatch is a piece of shit.

Buster's Fearless Forecast

Spring training is in full swing and in years past, I'd be busy right now preparing for a fantasy league draft. Now, I just look 'em over and call 'em like I see 'em, which is much easier. Any fool can do it, and a great many fools do, so why not Buster too?

Neither of our two Ohio teams will make the post-season in 2010 (and I sincerely hope I'm wrong when I say that). Of the two, the Reds look like the better bet. Votto, Phillips and Rolen can do some damage, and Cabrera is a helpful pickup at shortstop. Pitching is adequate with Harang, Cueto and Arroyo, and Cuban queso-meister Aroldis Chapman could be big fun. (Old Bob Feller blurted out some incoherent kvetching about Chapman's signing bonus. Said Rapid Robert, "He's getting Obama stimulus money. Wake me up when he has 100 wins." Yo, Bob -- By the time Aroldis gets 100 W's, you'll be enjoying the Big Sleep.) Buster says the Reds will win 84 games, threaten for the wildcard, but come up short.

The Indians could be in for a long year. The stars are gone and they're rebuilding again (still). Sizemore is an obvious talent, and Peralta and Choo are OK. Pronk's a mess. Maybe the kids will step up. Pitching is the surgically rebuilt Westbrook, followed by the power of prayer. Buster says the Tribe's good for 75 wins, tops.

Buster's 30-Team Prognostication

AL East: NY Yankees, Boston (WC), Tampa Bay, Baltimore, Toronto
AL Central: Minnesota, Chicago White Sox, Detroit, Cleveland, Kansas City
AL West: LA Angels, Texas, Seattle, Oakland

NL East: Philadelphia, Atlanta (WC), Florida, NY Mets, Washington
NL Central: St. Louis, Chicago Cubs, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, Houston, Pittsburgh
NL West: LA Dodgers, Colorado, Arizona, San Francisco, San Diego

Daddy's Sweet Little Girl

Dick Cheney's daughter Liz is a real piece of work, rivalling even her own father when it comes to far-right demagoguery. Together with douchebag conservative columnist William Kristol, she heads up a jingoistic advocacy group called "Keep America Safe." (Motto: If waterboarding is outlawed, only outlaws will use waterboards.) These rock-ribbed patriots are the sort who see bad guys and bogeymen behind every set of drapes. And we just won't be safe until we get 'em, torture 'em, lock 'em up and throw away the key!!

But with her latest outburst, Liz may have gone too far. She said to anyone who would listen that Attorney General Eric Holder and the Dept. of Justice attorneys who defended Gitmo detainees were, without a doubt, terrorist sympathizers, were probably traitors, and may even be terrorists themselves. Liz called them the "Al Qaeda Seven" and said they all ought to be fired, prosecuted, and hung up by their balls. We're at war, she said (the Cheneys sure love to say "war"), and you're either with us or you're against us. Providing a defense to these animals is tantamount to treason!

And with that, the shit-storm turned and started raining down on her. A truckload of conservative lawyers signed a letter condemning her comments and reminding her that all detainees and defendants, even the odious ones, have a right to a defense. The signers included several attorneys from the Bush DOJ, and even Republican attack dog Ken Starr. Bush's Attorney General, Mike Mukasey, wrote an op-ed piece for the Wall Street Journal which said that Liz was dangerously full of shit. As a right-winger, you know you've fucked up when Rupert Murdoch's paper calls you out.

Her only backer seemed to be her father. In a statement, Dick said, "I think Liz is absolutely correct and I couldn't agree more with her scary-crazy ideas. I fully support her in this and in everything she does, even being a lesbian, which I wouldn't ordinarily support, but since she's my daughter, I do support it -- for her."

Liz replied, "I know Dad's always got my back, and I just adore him. I'd adore him even more if he were a woman. Which he's not. Some people say we look a lot alike, but I just don't see it. Do you?"

"Don't Let Him Die, Doc! We Gotta Kill Him Next Week."

By now, everyone has heard of our Ohio death row prisoner who tried to commit suicide a couple days before his scheduled execution. Prison officials went to great lengths to revive him and nurse him back to health . . . so they can kill him. Otherwise, you see, he'd be "cheating the hangman" and we can't have that. (Buster fails to see the difference. Dead is dead.)

I know I'm in the minority here, but I don't care for the death penalty. It's not much of a deterrent, innocent people are sometimes executed, mentally disturbed people are often executed, and it presents us with an ethical dilemma -- killing is wrong, killing is illegal, but if you do it, we'll kill you. That just feels wrong to me. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

Now, you may ask if I could be so high-minded if someone close to me were murdered. That's a fair question, and I may very well feel like killin' the fucker who did it. With any luck, I'll never know, and I hope you won't either. Peace.

Canada 1, Alaska 0

Sarah Palin has been among the most vocal critics of health insurance reform. She's just doing her civic duty by warning all of us about the big government takeover with the job killin' socialized medicine and the death panels and the rationed care and all that other stuff the Democrats want to cram down our throats. 'Cause it would be just like that awful Canadian system.

Turns out that, as a young girl, Sarah lived in a small rural town just across the border from Whitehorse, Canada. And Palin now admits that "We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. It was better, cheaper and more convenient than anything we were gonna find in, you know, Bumfuck, Alaska. I still remember those doctors in Whitehorse -- the McKenzie brothers, Bob and Doug. They were nice. And while my brother and I were there gettin', you know, the health care, my parents would step outside, shoot a couple of moose and knock back some Molsons while they were waitin'. Then we'd hustle back across the border and go home. And I think now, isn't that ironic?"

Ironic at the very least.

Best Reason Yet To Pass Health Care Reform

The other day on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh said that if any health care reform legislation was enacted, he "would leave the country." Start packing, Lardo!

Oh, What A Feeling -- Toyota! . . . OH, SHIT!!!

The first part was the tag line for an old Toyota ad campaign. The second part is a bit more recent. Lately, the feeling for some Toyota drivers has been abject terror! Suddenly, lots of Toyotas are having problems with unintended acceleration. First, the company blamed it on floormats. Then it was a faulty gas pedal, which they recalled and reinforced with a paperclip and a wad of Bazooka Joe. Still, the runaway Toyotas keep coming. The most recent was the California driver of a 95 MPH Prius which refused to slow down even as the guy stood on the brake pedal. He called 911 in a very understandable panic and his car was eventually brought to a halt by a combination of emergency brake and a highway patrol cruiser impeding his path. The driver was unhurt, but visibly shaken and in need of some fresh BVD's.

Just one question: Why didn't that guy just put the car in neutral?

In a related item, Pittsburgh Steeler QB Ben Roethlesberger said he was driving a Toyota last weekend down in Georgia when the vehicle exhibited "unintended steering" problems and drove him, against his will, to a sleazy nightclub where he unintentionally tried to rape a girl in the back room. Ben's attorney is seeking damages for his client and insisting that Toyota commence another recall.

I Guess She Doesn't Like It

The featured letter to the editor in today's Columbus Dispatch was from one Ardeth Distelhorst of Grove City, who was compelled to offer her assessment of a popular TV show, Two-And-A-Half Men. (Why the Dispatch felt compelled to print her little hissy fit, I can't say, but it's pretty much par for the course for our wimpy local rag.)

I have no idea who she is, but in my mind's eye, I see someone named Ardeth Distelhorst as a bluenose spinster in a prairie dress and a bonnet, with a well-thumbed thesaurus. 'Cause Ardeth sure loves her adjectives. She describes Two-And-A-Half Men as "atrocious", "trash", "abnormal", "obscene", and "garbage" and says the show "features crudity, vulgarity, explicit sexual references, and talk of personal bodily functions . . . as well as sexual promiscuity."

Yes, it does, Ardeth. Which is precisly why I LOVE IT! Some of us enjoy a little low-brow humor from time to time. If you don't, change the fucking channel!

"Avatar" Snubbed By Oscar

In something of a surprise, Avatar, this year's big-box office, blue-people, blockbuster film did not take home any of the major Oscars at last night's ceremonies in Hollywood. Afterward, Avatar director James Cameron was quoted as saying, "Smurfity-goddam-smurf-smurf!"

Too Few Medals Earns Gulag Vacation

The Winter Olympics are over and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is not amused. He is embarassed by the Russians poor showing (only 3 golds)and said his country's Olympic officials should step down. On cue, the head of the Russian Olympic Committee offered his resignation, which was instantly accepted amid reports that this disgraced official was suddenly "unavailable for comment". Said Medvedev: "It'll be a sunny day in Siberia before this shit happens again!" Medvedev is currently spending rubles like a drunken sailor trying to convince top American, Canadian and Kenyan athletes to immigrate to Russia before the Summer Olympics begin.

Actual Russian Joke (Or So I'm Told): President Medvedev and Premier Putin are out to dinner together at Moscow's finest restaurant. After a cocktail, the waiter approaches and asks Putin what he would like for his entree. Putin replies, "A porterhouse steak, medium rare, and a baked potato." The waiter asks, "And for the vegetable?" Glancing at Medvedev, Putin says, "He'll have the same."

Man's Best Friend

If you're ever in doubt that a dog is man's best friend, just try this:

Get your wife and your dog, and lock them both in the trunk of your car. Next, drive around town for a couple hours. Then stop, open the trunk, and see which one is still happy to see you!

What A Celebration!

The other night I saw a TV spot advertising the Westland Mall Gun Show. The video showed practically every lethal weapon known to man, and the voice-over invited me to come to the show and "celebrate the 2nd Amendment". This was followed immediately by the evening news, where the top story was the Pentagon Shooter -- a totally whacko crazoid with more loose screws than Jenna Jameson. Still, he was somehow able to get all the guns and ammo he could carry, then celebrate with attempted murder. Just exercising his Constitutional rights!

The R-Word

Not long ago, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel described someone or something as "fucking retarded". As Rahm-speak goes, this was mild, PG-rated stuff. Naturally, Sarah Palin took offense instantly and publicly. Not about the F-word, but the R-word. She has a little son with Down syndrome, and said using the word was insulting and degrading. And, you know, she's right. We shouldn't use such a disparaging term about her kid or about anyone -- except ol' Caribou Barbie herself. Sarah is a Grade-A, 1st Class, Capital-R Retard! (Oh man, that felt good!)

She named her young son Trig. Fits in with her other two boys, Algebra and Pre-Calc.

Palin is pictured at right with some of her supporters, none of whom are retarded.

Rhymes With "Fart"

Rep. Bart Stupak (D, Mich.) is a religious nutjob and anti-abortion asshole. He is a former resident of the infamous "C Street House" in Washington DC. The house is owned by a secretive God Squad group known as "The Family". They've somehow managed to get this property classified as a tax-exempt "church". The place has no clergy and holds no services. It's about as much a church as my house is. In truth, it functions as a free flop-house for fundamentalist Christian Congressmen. Its residents have included serial diddlers Gov. Mark Sanford (R, SC) and Sen. John Ensign (R, Nev.), as well as Bible-quoting right wing pricks Sen. Jim DeMint (R, SC) and Sen. Tom Coburn (R, Okla.) And, of course, the aforementioned Stupak.

Stupak is of momentary interest because of his deeply "principled" position on health care reform. He's all for it, as long as not one thin dime goes toward any sort of abortion coverage. If it does, then he's suddenly against it and perfectly willing to let this side issue scuttle coverage for 30 million Americans. It's typical of the religious right to ignore the larger point in favor of some small speck of zealotry. (And isn't it typical also that the loudest, most public abortion foes are men?)

Health care reform is bigger and more important than any one person or any single medical procedure. As the legislation moves toward the endgame, we'll undoubtedly hear more from Stupak and his fellow scum-eaters from the C Street crash pad. Keep it all in perspective. Like Jim Bunning, Stupak craves his 15 minutes. He'll probably get it, but then he'll just fade back into the wallpaper. And at some point, maybe he'll get himself a decent haircut.

Bush's Body Parts

MSNBC reports that Karl Rove is offended by those who call him "Bush's brain". In an interview to air soon on the Today Show, Rove said, "I've known him almost four decades. He is a really smart person. To suggest I was his brain is derogatory about him. Those who worked closely with us know I was actually Bush's rectum."

Cartoon Network Presents: The RNC!

The Republican National Committee created a flyer outlining their fundraising strategy. It featured the "Evil Empire" showing Obama as The Joker, Nancy Pelosi as Cruella DeVille, and Harry Reid as Scooby Doo. Seriously, RNC? Cartoons? That's the best ya got? Bor-ing! And when did Scooby Doo become evil? Honestly, the TEA Partiers' Obama-with-Hitler-mustache showed more style and creativity.

And the advice for fundraising boiled down to this: Give money to the RNC so we can "save the country from Socialism." If Obama is a Socialist, then I'm the Queen of England.

"Daddy Says You're Cleared For Takeoff"

Recently, an air traffic controller allowed his young son in the tower at JFK. And not just for a quick peek at what dear old dad does for a living. No, this little kid actually got to direct a bit of airport traffic and cleared a couple flights for takeoff. The next day the controller let his young daughter do the same thing. Now, I suppose it's fairly obvious that this guy's decision was a potentially dangerous breach of security and protocol. Some said he should be fired. (He was suspended.) On the flip side, it was kinda cute, the pilots and the other controllers were told about it in advance, and no one had a problem with it at the time. The only dissenting voice came from tower manager Lloyd Bridges, who said he had once again "picked the wrong day to quit sniffin' glue."

Black Hearts In The Bluegrass (2010)

Mean old bastard Sen. Jim Bunning (R, Ky.) is retiring at the end of the year and will not seek reelection. Lately Bunning has turned into such a heartless, close-minded curmudgeon that the prospect of his departure is pleasing even to other Republicans. But crazy Ol' Jim decided to go out with a bang anyway. Using a procedural tactic as a protest against the deficit, he has, all by himself, held up passage of a Senate bill to extend funding for a bunch of stuff. 'Cause Ol' Jim is smarter than everyone else and, by God, he's gonna teach us all a lesson.

Jim's lesson has so far resulted in unpaid layoffs of thousands of federal employees, suspension of highway construction projects, reductions in Medicare reimbursement, loss of COBRA benefits, and loss of unemployment benefits for up to 400,000 people. What a sweetheart of a guy!

Happily, it's all temporary. The Senate will find a procedural path around Bunning's bullshit, but it'll take a few days. Funding will be restored and Ol' Jim's tantrum will have gone for naught. They say it takes 60 votes to get anything done in the Senate, but it takes just one to really fuck things up for awhile!

Of course, Kentucky's other Senator is Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Mitch the Bitch is the drummer boy for the R's great anti-Obama, legislative sabotage campaign, "Just Say No (To Everything)".

Buster appeals to the people of the Commonwealth: Take a deep breath and a long, hard look at these two gentlemen. Surely Kentucky can do better than these douchebags!

Wild Wild West (2010)

I read today that our own fair State of Ohio reported that almost 57,000 permits for concealed-carry of handguns were issued in 2009. This total represents an increase of 67% from the prior year. So in just the past 2 years, the number of Ohioans legally carrying guns has risen by about 90,000. Add this to those who already have permits, plus God-knows-how-many unlicensed gun owners, and it's clear there are a couple hundred thousand of our fellow Buckeyes wandering around out there armed to the teeth! It's a safe bet that, right now, there's a lady in the grocery store with a pistol in her purse and a man at a restaurant with a Glock in his sock. It's the wild, wild West!

Don't know what you think about this, but I think it's shear lunacy. The gun carriers say it's all about self-defense and personal security. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the exact opposite is true. Nobody carries a gun because they intend to not use it.

So you do as you see fit, but as for me, next time I'm out and about and somebody so much as rips a loud fart, my ass is hittin' the deck!

More Sex Addiction! (2010)

Not too long ago, ESPN baseball analyst and former Mets G.M. Steve Phillips was fired from the network for sexually harrassing a female staffer. Now Phillips has gone public with the confession that he too is a "sex addict". Jesus! Is this shit contagious?

Phillips said he was at the same rehab facility in Mississippi as Tiger Woods, where they both sought treatment. Not sure what goes on with this treatment, but I think it involves jumper cables and your balls!