Fake President's Day

Elect a clown,
Expect a circus.

Pence Was Expecting Standing Ovation. Got Sitting Censure Instead.

Vice President Mike Pence spoke Friday at the Munich Security Conference.  Pence was there to polish Trump's apple while asking our European allies to pay more to the U.S., while rejecting NATO and the multinational Iran nuclear treaty.

Speaking first, German Chancellor Angela Merkel criticized Trump's "America First" policies, reminded the U.S. delegation that there are far more BMW's made in South Carolina than in Bavaria, and received a hearty standing ovation for her comments.  (Ivanka "Kremlin Barbie" Trump remained firmly seated.)

Pence spoke next.  He was clearly expecting a warm reception.  The crowd's reaction was stone-cold silence.  #Awkward.



Pence concluded his remarks by saying, "God Bless America."  The silence was deafening.  #AwkwardPart2.

Trump is really winning hearts and minds, isn't he?

Kaepernick Won. The NFL Listened To Trump and Lost.

Colin Kaepernick and Eric Reid won their collusion case against the NFL for blackballing them for kneeling on the field during the national anthem.  The terms of the settlement prohibit either side from disclosing the details, including how much money Kaepernick will receive from the league.  Rest assured, the amount will be substantial.  More important than the dollar amount is the fact that he defeated a league with a long history of defeating its players in court.  With another court hearing scheduled for next month, the NFL didn't want a spotlight on some of the details.

Previous depositions from owners show how Trump pressured them to support him and oppose black players protesting police brutality and racism.  Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones testified in his deposition that Trump privately advised him, "This is a very winning, strong issue for me.  Tell everybody, you can't win this one.  This one lifts me."

So Commissioner Goodell and his Billionaire Boys Club followed Trump's advice and got tough on protesting players and conspired to refuse employment to the deserving QB Kaepernick.  There was a spot for Cody Kessler, but none for Kap?  Absurd.

Trump is a know-nothing, shit-for-brains who knows even less than nothing about operating a professional sports franchise.  But the NFL listened to him, and now they regret it.  Their multi-million dollar settlement is more than Kap would've been paid to be on a team's roster for the past two years.

The maxim is proven again:  Trump's a chump.  Worry about his tweets, take his advice on public opinion and you'll lose money, self-respect, and public support.

Exactly Where He Belongs

When You've Lost Ann Coulter, You've Lost It All

Yesterday morning in the Rose Garden, Boss Blubber held one of his typically petulant press briefings packed with lies, bullying, racism, and sing-song self-pity to announce that he'd sign the latest bill to keep the government open.  That bill includes $1.375 billion for "border security," but no money for actual walls.  So the Fat Fanatic declared an unconstitutional "national emergency," bypassed Congress, swiped another $6.5 billion in federal funds earmarked for other things, and will try to use the money for fencing/slats along the Southern border.  Good luck with that.

There is no emergency at the border.  Our only real emergency is the continued presence of the portly prevaricator in the White House.  Even conservatard commentator Ann Coulter sees through his BS:  "Our only national emergency is that our president is a lazy, incompetent idiot."

Lawsuits have begun already, with plenty more to follow.  And Trump helped those lawsuits  with his own big fat mouth, speaking of his emergency declaration by saying, "I didn't need to do this."  (An admission that no emergency exists.)

So why do it?  Again, Ann Coulter:  "The goal of a national emergency is for Trump to scam the stupidest people in his base."  And scam them he has.  Now he's making fake emergency preparations by spending the weekend playing gold-plated golf at Mar-a-Lago, just like Lincoln did after Fort Sumter, just like FDR did after Pearl Harbor.  They did that, didn't they?

Trump's unauthorized thievery will be tied up in Congress and in the courts for the remainder of his miserable term in office -- a most inexpedient approach to an "emergency."

Size Matters to Dinky Donny

He can't count, but he's convinced that his hands are YUGE!  And you know what that means.

Yesterday saw dueling political rallies in the border town of El Paso, Texas.  Fake president Trump held a pro-wall rally at the El Paso Coliseum.  Ex-Congressman Beto O'Rourke held an anti-wall rally at a city park.

In keeping with his daily habit of lying and exaggerating about everything, Trump claimed his was attended by 35,000 people while O'Rourke drew 200-300 people.  Not even close.

The El Paso Fire Dept. said Trump's coliseum crowd was 6500 (capacity inside the building) with maybe another 3500 outside the building.  The El Paso Police Dept. said Beto's crowd in the park was 10,000 to 15,000.



When it comes to reality, Donnie Distemper dwells in a distortion field.

The Punishment Does Not Fit the "Crime"

Non Sequitur, by Wiley Miller, is a 27 year old comic strip syndicated to 700-plus newspapers.  This Sunday, the feature's strip about Leonardo BearVinci included an unintentional F-bomb.  Here's how it was supposed to appear:

February 10, 2019

But here is the "offensive" panel which ran by mistake:

The red-circled words read:  "We Fondly Say Go Fuck Yourself to Trump."  Rather illegible, but ooh!

Miller says he was only amusing himself and forgot to white-out his scribble/doodle burn before submitting it to his publisher.  That publisher, Andrews-McNeel Syndication, apologized yesterday for not catching the language.  

Nevertheless, more than a dozen bluenose newspapers, including my own daily fishwrap, the Columbus Douchepatch,  abruptly and permanently discontinued Non Sequitur, using subjective words like "disgusting," "sneaky," "tricky," and "vulgar."

Those stalwart members of the Fourth Estate have overreacted.  There was a small, unintended, one-time error from a long-running, successful feature, both the artist and the publisher have apologized, it's just a friggin' comic strip for cryin' out loud, and yet the prudish papers who did no proofreading of their own have decreed a punishment of . . . death.  Just a little excessive.  And stupid.

Weather Will Happen

The question is, how will you react to it?

"A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall."
November 2018.  On the 100th aniversary of Armistice Day, our heavily-lacquered Hair Furor reacted by skipping his ceremonial visit to the American WW I cemetery in Paris because it was lightly raining.  He sent John Kelly instead.

"Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow."
February 2019.  During a snow storm in her home state, Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar reacted by proudly announcing her presidential bid as the white stuff accumulated on her and her supporters.  She was happily unfazed.

In the face of some weather, one of these two demonstrated presidential stuff.  It wasn't Trump.

Gucci Relocates Global HQ to Bugtussle, Virginia

Lured by tax incentives and the personal appeals of the state's Governor, Attorney General, and a State Senator, Gucci, the Italian luxury fashion brand, has agreed to move its corporate headquarters from Florence to Bugtussle, Virginia.

To celebrate their big move, the designer has released a limited-edition $890 "Old Dominion sweater."

The first three sweaters of the initial run were pre-sold to Ralph Northam, Mark Herring, and Tommy Norment.

SOTU Disclaimer

Nancy Welcomes The Lyin' King To Her House

"Ptooie!"

Y

A Time-Efficient State of the Union

Later tonight, Don the Con will deliver his second State of the Union address, meaning he'll recite words written for him by someone else.

The Daft Twerp will reportedly call for unity, bipartisanship, and pursuit of common ground.  LMFAO!  Not exactly His Lardship's strong suit.  In fact, the Largemouth Ass specializes in the exact opposite.

As virtually everyone knows, the state of the union sucks, and the grossly incompetent fake president is the reason why.  He should therefore save us all our precious time by skipping his usual litany of lies and threats.  Just give us a very brief and truly unifying message.  Two words, three syllables:

The only other reason to watch the SOTUS shit show will be to watch Nancy Pelosi make faces over Old Yeller's shoulder . . . and possibly gavel his hair-sprayed head if he gets too ridiculous.

 

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