I've Been Asplundhered!

My favorite utility, AEP, contracts with a big tree service company, Asplundh, to do periodic trimming around its electric service lines. AEP says this clearing must be done to reduce outages occurring when tree limbs fall on the lines.

There are two misnomers in that first sentence. The work is not "periodic", it's perpetual. Across AEP's service area, there are so many trees in proximity to so many overhead lines that the job is never finished. It's just an endless loop. My Asplundh crew chief, Kid Rock, told me it will probably take them 15 years to complete the contract, then it'll be time to start all over again.

And to call what Asplundh does "trimming" is far too kind. Gross butchery is more like it. A 15-year pruning is pretty goddam extreme. As their orange trucks steadily drew nearer to my neighborhood, a feeling of impending doom grew. All you had to do was look around northwest Columbus to spot numerous examples of Asplundh's handiwork: previously normal trees hacked and chopped into severe V's, L's, and weird Dr. Seuss shapes. No artistry, just excess. My next-door neighbor had an evergreen tree literally cut in half. Fuckin' lovely.

My turn came. The electric lines run along my back property line, and Asplundh was most focused on two big Douglas firs in the corner of my backyard. They are mature, 50 feet tall, and have been that way since I moved in 23 years ago. In two previous line-clearings, they received a small side-pruning only in the section near the lines, with the rest of the tree left intact. And that's what Kid Rock promised me this time around, too.

I had arranged to be home for this dreaded day, believing I could reason with them and possibly avoid the "tree-trimmer-on-acid" abominations I'd seen at other homes. Naturally, as the crew began work, a minor work crisis arose for me and I had to leave for roughly 45 minutes. By the time I returned, they had side-trimmed one of the firs entirely -- from top to bottom, the south side of that tree now has not a single limb, branch, twig or needle. It looks like hell, and I blew up at the Sweeney Todd with the chainsaw.

Crew chief Kid Rock said they had to do it that way because AEP "requires" that there be literally nothing overhanging its precious lines. Me: "Nothing? Bullshit! AEP claims an easement all the way to heaven? Bullshit again! AEP cannot legitimately assure itself that nothing will ever, ever, ever touch its lines. It's impossible! What you're doing is excessive and unnecessary. You're ruining the landscape for hundreds, thousands of people! This isn't tree trimming, it's tree killing!"

So, after this profanely eloquent outburst, Kid Rock agreed to take it easy on the second fir. Sort of. It got about a 25 foot side-trim, leaving some greenery on the bottom and on the top, but with a substantial gap in between. The end result? My two trees now look like a toothpick and a topiary. Swell.

It's all an exercise in short-sighted stupidity by AEP. The days of millions of utility poles and overhead wires ought to be over by now. It's a delivery system that dates to the turn of the century -- the last century. Yet AEP has resisted all calls to update. They'd rather waste a shit-pot of money on the losing game of eternal line-clearing than bite the bullet, pay the piper, and bury their fucking lines once and for all!

In the long run, it would save money, improve service tremendously, and none of us would ever be Asplundhered again. And that would be a good thing.