Round-up At The Big R Corral

(Wherein I mock the TV ads of douchebag Ohio candidates with my usual wise-ass comments.)

John Kasich for Ohio Governor: (Kasich is addressing a group of old, white factory workers who vigorously nod their heads in agreement.) "When I was in business (at the now defunct Lehman Bros), Park Ohio (Who? A Cleveland co. making specialty molded plastic products. Also has a location in Shanghai.) wanted to improve itself financially. (In what way? John doesn't say.) I was able to assemble a team of people and we were able to do just that. (How? Lend 'em money? Make better investments? Outsource to China?) That's what it's all about, and when I'm Governor, we'll work everyday to make Ohio business-friendly again." (We're non-friendly now? How so?)

(And remember that Kasich has previously said he'd eliminate the Ohio income tax and privatize a number of the state's departments and activities.)

Rob Portman for U.S. Senate: "There's a new energy tax coming, and it's a jobs-killer for Ohio. It's called Cap and Trade, and it'll tax you for turning on a light, using a computer, or cooking dinner." (No shit? What's the tax rate on lasagna?)

"We have three kids and we want them to have a future here in Ohio." ("But there can be no future for them if Lee Fisher is elected. They'll have to move away or slit their wrists. And it'll be Fisher's fault!")

"The Portman Plan For Jobs says there's a better way to approach taxes and regulations." (Yes, approach them with a shotgun and blow them away.)

(Things to know about Robbie: In Congress, he voted for more than $30 billion in tax breaks for companies already outsourcing jobs. While he was Bush's trade czar, our trade deficit with China went up $41 billion. He has repeatedly said he wants to repeal the new health care law. He strongly supported Bush's goofy idea to privatize Social Security. As Bush's budget director, he said he'd cut the budget deficit in half, but two years later it had doubled. And he's a world-class lobbyist whore.)

Steve Stivers for U.S. House of Representatives (my district): (Opens with a photo montage of Stivers as a boy, with his parents and siblings, and in his Army uniform wearing a helmet, which makes him look suspiciously like B.D. from Doonesbury.) "I grew up in a small town ("so I'm a short-sighted, provincial hayseed") and I was a Boy Scout, an Eagle Scout, and a paper boy. (Everybody knows paper boys make the best Congressmen!) I was raised with the values that I think we need in Washington today. ("My opponent, Mary Jo Kilroy, was raised by atheist wolves.") The issue is jobs, so we've got to say no to the spending and the taxes, and get government down to a level we can afford." (And that's gonna get me a job?)

Pat Tiberi for U.S. House of Representatives (not my district. Yay!): (The ass-faced Tiberi strolls down a quaint little street with U.S. flags every ten feet.) "Washington could learn a few thing things from Main Street America. Here on Main St., we save our money (Well I'm moving to Main St., 'cause where we are, the rest of us are broke!), we balance our checkbooks (Congrats! Major accomplishment!), and we create jobs." (No 10% unemployment on Main St. Yippee!)

Sounds like it's all good then on Main St., right Pat? Well, no.

"We need to eliminate the roadblocks that Washington is building everyday (Hey, at least we're building something), stop the bailouts (unless they're in my district), cut the red tape ('cause only Socialists have, you know, rules), and get rid of the expensive new laws (health care -- very expensive, especially if you don't have any) that punish businesses everyday." (Punish? I love punishment. Take that, and that, and that!!)

Kevin Bacon for Ohio Senate (not my district, I think, I hope): (Have no idea who Bacon is, but he's a fat tub of goo who looks like he eats a pound of bacon every day. His spot is short, cheap, and to the point.) "Hi. I'm Kevin Bacon and I'm running for Senate because our only chance (Repent! The end is near!) is to lower the taxes, get rid of all the red tape, and get the government off the people's backs." (Why is it that all the hot-heads who want to "get government off our backs" are in such a goddam hurry to join that very government?)

Buster senses a theme here: If we will just repeal health care, slash funding with across the board tax cuts, spend literally nothing, focus on breaks for business (owners), and starve our own government until it looks like a Darfur refugee, all problems will be solved and it'll be a wonderful life.

Don't you swallow that simplistic hokum!