Lewis Black On Tax Cuts

(Excerpted from Nothing's Sacred by Lewis Black, Simon & Schuster, 2005)

[George W. Bush] decided that a $350 billion tax cut would stimulate the economy. Well, it turned out to be a load of crap because they never know what stimulates the economy. The economy is an entity in and of itself. It goes up and down and up and down and up and down and nobody -- and I mean nobody -- knows why. I know this to be a fact because I took economics in college.

I would take this opportunity to explain it to you, but the truth is, I flunked economics. . . . But I do have an answer to why a $350 billion tax cut couldn't work at that time. Because every city and every state in the country was broke. And, due to a lack of cash reserves, essential services were cut from sea to shining sea. Services like policemen -- 'cause you really don't need 'em. Services like firemen -- 'cause it's actually much more fun to watch stuff burn down. And, in my hometown of New York City, services like after-school programming. And, you have to trust me on this, if anybody needed to be distracted, it was those little pricks.

If you were a parent at that time, however, you had reason to count your blessings because, as part of the tax cut package, you would receive a check from the feds for $400 for every child you had. Which really paid off for those couples who had, say, a thousand kids.

Personally, I found the $400-per-child rebate kind of mean. After all, all $400 does is remind people just how fucked they are. Parents would have been better off if their congressmen came to their doors and pissed on their shoes. At least that would have been a distraction.

Think about it -- as a yearly tax break, $400 breaks down to less than $1.10 a day. You read that right: less than $1.10 a day! My advice to parents was to stretch that windfall by putting your kid in a box and shipping him off to one of those Sally Struthers countries where a buck ten could really do some damage. Sure, the conditions might be a little questionable, but at least your precious little ones can have all the dried milk they can choke down.

Instead of that tax cut, I thought the government should have initiated a public works project. In other words, pay people to build something. You see, when you employ people, they get money -- and then they spend that money, and that stimulates the economy. There were -- and still are -- so many choices, so many places that could've used a boost. Take, for instance, Mississippi. That's a state truly in need. Be honest, have you ever heard anyone say, "Son of a bitch, I've got two weeks vacation coming and I can't wait to see Biloxi!" I rest my case.

So all the government needed to do was send someone down there with a bag full of money, have him get off the plane, and let him walk in any direction, and he would've found a place to use it. And all he had to do was build a big fucking thing. It didn't matter what it was as long as it was big and it was a a fucking thing. And then, when it was done, everybody would've been excited and said, "Honey, pack up the kids, we're going to see The Big Fucking Thing!"

Before you knew it, The Big Fucking Thing Restaurant and The Big Fucking Thing Hotel & Casino, and The Big Fucking Thing Spa all would have sprung up around it. And then, because all of these people would have flocked to see The Big Fucking Thing, the economy would have grown.

It's not so hard to figure out. Which is why I'm thinking of running for something. Nothing local, of course. I need to run for a big fucking thing.