Buster's Blog

The Fog

2012-03-14T20:03:00.006-07:00

Wasn't that a Stephen King book?

Anyway, we're down in Navarre Beach, on Santa Rosa Island, Florida panhandle, and today we experienced one of the most peculiar weather days ever: a gorgeous clear morning during which a low, thick fog settled stubbornly over the beach and stayed there all day. It was actually a sunny, cloudless day, except for this one big cloud on top of us. Kinda like that old Li'l Abner character Joe Btfsplk.

The photo was taken around 2:30 in the afternoon. Ordinarily, you'd be able to see the pier in the top portion of the shot. It's less than a quarter-mile away. We're in a 20-story high-rise, and for most of the day the top half of our building was invisible. At one point, a small single-engine plane flew overhead. Everyone looked up. We could hear it, just couldn't see it. Viewed from the nearby mainland, Santa Rosa Island disappeared, totally shrouded by the fog.

Locals down here say this happens every now and then. Very strange.

Same shot, next day, no fog.

Comedy And Tragedy Defined

2012-03-14T17:43:00.004-07:00

(defined by Lewis Black, to be precise)

When I cut my finger with a kitchen knife, that's tragedy.

When you fall into an open manhole and die, that's comedy!

Conservative Viewpoint: ObamaCare Bad, Transvaginal Ultrasound Good

2012-03-13T16:23:00.007-07:00

This random thought just worked its way into my twisted brain:

Today's conservatives are uniformly and bitterly opposed to Obama's health care reform, right? It's unconstitutional, and it forces people to do something they might not want to do. It's intrusive and results in a loss of our precious personal freedoms. It's Big Government running amok!

These same conservatives are uniformly and enthusiastically in favor of that same government regulating and restricting women's access to birth control, forcing women to endure waiting periods, counseling, and sonograms which they may not want, and in some cases, non-intrusively stuffing a sonogram probe up a woman's previously free, precious personal vagina. That's not Big Government, and it's perfectly constitutional -- just some helpful old white men looking out for fairer sex.

Buster calls double-bullshit on the whole damn hypocritical thing!

Dog Inspiration

2012-03-12T18:05:00.002-07:00

(Suggested by a faithful reader. Thx!)

Song Of The South

2012-03-12T16:47:00.007-07:00

Buster is comin' at ya from his bivouac deep in the heart of the Deep Red South, a.k.a. the Florida Panhandle, a.k.a. the Redneck Riviera. A little roadtrip with the lovely Mrs. Gammons.

Down here, freeway billboards say things, seriously, like, "God Bless America!" (petitioning the Lord with mass media) and "Go To Church!" (featuring a red devil with a scythe, illustrating the result of staying home).

And with typically exquisite timing, we're down here in time not only for cold and rainy weather, but also for the Alabama and Mississippi Republican primaries. I get see to see all the same shitty Romney/Santorum/Gingrich ads I saw at home last week! And the local R's bring some serious game to their contests: "My opponent is an asshole conservative, but not nearly as much as I am!!"

I'll paraphrase a comment from the late great George Carlin:

"Think about how stupid the average American voter is, and then realize half the voters are even stupider than that!"

I Support The Girls Scouts Of America . . . By The Case!

2012-03-08T17:37:00.006-08:00

As most of you know, when it comes to that swamp of indiscretion known as Facebook, Buster is a failure, but I do have 3 or 4 FB friends. Several weeks ago, one of them posted that her daughter was selling Girl Scout cookies, along with a picture of the ingredients in Thin Mints, which, as you can see, include "crack". Oh, ha-ha.

Much FB hilarity ensued, as many people posted snarky, humorous responses. Not to be outdone, I thought I'd join in the fun, so I posted what I thought would surely be taken as just another joke reply: "Holy shit! I'll take a case!" I mean, it's just stupid ol' Facebook, right? We're just kidding, aren't we?

Well, silly fuckin' me, she took me literally. Last night her husband showed up at the door with the case of crack-laden Thin Mints I had apparently "ordered" with my off-the-cuff FB comment. And yes, I stroked the check. Twelve boxes of cookies. How many is that? Jesus!

No biggie. Gave 'em all to the college kid. They'll be gone in a few days.

A Quick Course In Comparative Religion

2012-03-08T09:28:00.005-08:00

(Sent by a faithful reader. Thank you, Faithful Reader.)
________________________________________________________

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If Shit happens, it’s not really Shit.

Ecumenicism: Overlook all the different Shit.

Islamism: If Shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens when you don’t work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this Shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This Shit happened before.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you are bad.

Hare Krishna: Good Shit happens when you chant Rama Shit.

TV Evangelism: Send us more Shit.

Jehovah’s Witnesses: Knock, knock, Witness some of our Shit, and take our Shitty pamphlet.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit!

Atheism: No Shit, Sherlock.

Agnosticism: Maybe Shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

Existentialism: What is Shit anyway?

Hedonism: There’s nothing like dirty Shit.

Humanism: Human Shit just doesn't stink.

Relativism: Shit teaches us to live and let live.

Stoicism: This Shit doesn’t bother me.

Syncretism: Mixes up all the Shit to produce diarrhea.

And my favorite...

Nihilism: Annihilates all other "isms" by making them Eat Shit and Die.

6 Things Rich People Should Stop Saying

2012-03-06T11:41:00.042-08:00

(Sent by a faithful reader. Thank you, Faithful Reader.)

Excerpted from an article by David Wong, published 3/5/12 on Cracked.com
For the full article, go to Buster's Links. It's a worthwhile read!
_______________________________________________________

If you're somehow both rich and reading an article with this title, you're probably thinking, "What the hell? I didn't crash the economy!" You might even be tempted to defend yourself and your wealthy friends. But before you open your mouth, I want you to stop and ask yourself, "Will saying these sort of things make me sound like an out-of-touch douchebag?"

6. "Well, $500,000 a Year Might Sound Like a Lot, but I'm Hardly Rich."
"Look at how tiny my yacht is!"

5. "Hey, I Worked Hard to Get What I Have!"
"The only reason I have a hundred times more money than you is because I work a hundred times as hard!"

4. "If I Can Do It, So Can You!"
"Since everyone at my country club makes good money, it can't be that hard to do."

3. "You're Just Jealous Because I Made It and You Didn't!"
When we hate people, it's always for the same reason: Not because they're rich or powerful, but because they refuse to acknowledge that their power brings with it any responsibility. It's why we hate bullies and dictators and supervillains. It's why we hate people who benefit hugely from society and then pretend like they're living on an island with a population of only them.

2. "You Shouldn't Punish the Very People Who Make This Country Work!"
You're not a tall person who the dwarfs are jealously trying to cut down to size. You're a tall person being asked to get something down from a very tall shelf because nobody else can fucking reach it.

1. "Stop Asking For Handouts! I Never Got Help From Anybody!"
So ... you were never a child? From birth, you were hunting and gathering your own food? You never had a mother give you a milk "handout"? You're completely self-educated? At age 4, you sought out your own knowledge, and paid teachers out of your own pocket?

(Read the whole thing. It's funny and insightful.)

My Best Friend For Another Day Or So

2012-03-05T13:40:00.011-08:00

Ohio is a "battleground" state (how'd we ever get so lucky?), and tomorrow is "Super Tuesday". For a couple weeks, we've been inundated by campaign workers, fliers, mailers, and of course, thoroughly despicable TV ads.

The number of 3rd-party-sponsored ads has mushroomed, thanks to unlimited spending by so-called Super-PACS. These uniformly horrible ads prove one thing -- goofy old billionaires may have shit-pots of money, but they're a little light on brains. Foster Friese has given tens of millions to Icky Ricky Santorum, and Sheldon Adelson says he'll "invest" up to $100 million in Newt Gingrich. Newt! For a couple of rich dudes, those are two bad bets.

Locally, I've been "re-districted" and my soon-to-be-former Congressman Steve Stivers and my soon-to-be-new Congressman Pat Tiberi are having a contest to see which of them can run the more treacly, faux-patriotic TV ad. Stivers is still wearing his Army helmet and showing off his little daughter as he tells us what he's doing "as we face these dark days" (with the Dark Man in the White House). Tiberi's still showing old home movies of his Italian immigrant parents as he assures us he's "battling Obama's liberal agenda." (Like immigration reform?)

Both these ads make me puke, so the contest is a tie. Tiberi and Stivers are both incumbent Republicans, and they're a pair of tools. Neither has any serious primary opposition, and both are assured of reelection in November. Why are they even bothering to run ads now?

For another day or so, whenever the TV is on, my thumb will be working the mute button. After Tuesday, I hope I can give it a rest for a few months.

Behold The Public Face Of The GOP: Rush Limbaugh

2012-03-05T11:38:00.011-08:00

That pig Rush Limbaugh is a real class act, isn't he? A female grad student, Sandra Fluke, testifies to Congress and says she thinks contraceptives ought to be covered by health insurance, and the Fat Toad just goes off, calling her a slut and a prostitute and asking her to make some sex tapes for him.

Even by Limbaugh's standards (oxymoron?), his comments are especially vile. The target of his on-air attack is a student, not a politician. There is immediate backlash and countless online petitions asking Limbaugh's sponsors to pull their support of his radio show. (I signed one.)

A number of his sponsors drop him and Limbaugh issues an insincere non-apology "apology" on his website, saying, "My choice of words was not the best." Asked for their opinion, Mitt Romney, John Boehner and a host of other Republicans offer similar half-hearted horseshit about how they would have said it differently. None of them says it was wrong, none of them disavow Limbaugh's words or say they disagree with him. All they say is they would have phrased it differently.

Ms. Fluke says she's unimpressed, and she has a lot of company. Sponsors continue to drop Limbaugh like a bad habit (which he is). Rush feels compelled to issue another apology, apologizing for the first apology. This second apology is not much better than the first. It's delightful to watch the Fat Toad squirm in the hot seat!

Many Republicans are suddenly saying that of course Limbaugh does not represent the party or any of the candidates or this or that, etc. No, no, no, not so fast! For decades, Limbaugh has been the unabashed drum major for the GOP, regurgitating everything fed to him by the party fathers. The R's stood by and benefited from all his lies and propaganda and took all his free advertising without a peep. Now that he's in a bit of trouble, you can't have it both ways. Rush Limbaugh is the de facto face of the Republican party; the flag bearer. Hey GOP! You can't just disown him now. He's yours!

Meanwhile, the Committee to Reelect President Obama is preparing a thank-you card.

It's Only Fair

2012-03-03T09:19:00.007-08:00

State Senator Nina Turner has a great idea. Since Republican men are so very concerned with female sexual activity and contraception, Turner says she'll introduce a bill requiring men to get a second opinion before obtaining a Viagra prescription.

In a press release, she said, "The men in our lives, including members of the General Assembly, generously devote their time to female reproductive issues, and the least we can do is return the favor." (Seems fair enough to me.)

Turner said she felt compelled to "guide men to make the right decision for their bodies. Before a man takes that little blue pill, let's make sure there's a valid medical reason for his limp dick. A healthy man running around town with a four-hour woodie is just showing off and wasting good medicine."

Her bill allows an employer's health insurance plan to opt out of covering erectile dysfunction drugs based on the employer's religious or moral objections. Turner said an employer's desire for a completely flaccid workforce is "a matter of religious freedom guaranteed by the Constitution."

To ensure the medical necessity of the drug, Turner's bill requires 24 hour advance pre-screening. A man wishing to pop a Viagra or Cialis must submit to an external penile ultrasound the day before, and at the doctor's discretion, a trans-anal probe. Turner acknowledges there is no medical reason for this, but said she wants all parties "to be sure of what they're doing, and, you know, we kinda want to fuck with the men a little, too."

Andrew Breitbart

2012-03-01T13:03:00.009-08:00

Well-known conservative blogger and Tea Bag pundit Andrew Breitbart has died at age 43. Via his Big Government blog, he was best known for posting intentionally misleading, race-baiting videos of ACORN workers and of Shirley Sherrod, and for posting former Rep. Anthony Weiner's junk shot. He once called Ted Kennedy "a prick."

The far right adored him, and they are mourning his loss. Conversely, although I agree that death at 43 is too soon, I always thought that Breitbart was an ass-faced scumbag jerk, so I'm not exactly in mourning, and I'll just paraphrase Mark Twain:

I won't attend the funeral, but I'll send a nice note saying that I approve of it.

I See The Problem . . .

2012-02-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

Look! My New Billboard For Santorum!

2012-02-28T11:02:00.001-08:00

A Clear Choice In Michigan

2012-02-28T09:31:00.015-08:00

Not that it will mean much, but today is the GOP Michigan primary. Ron Paul and The Newt-ster are sitting this one out, so the loyal R's from that state up north will choose between Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. Polls say it's a dead heat.

Romney is a Michigan guy, a supposed "favorite son", and should've been a shoo-in. But, to borrow Ann Richardson's great line about George W. Bush, "Poor Mitt. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth."

While trying to work his man-of-the-people routine, Mitt has babbled inanely about tree height and "the parts" of Michigan, volunteered that he and the missus "drive four cars" (Simultaneously? Wow!), and said that he is a big NASCAR fan, to the extent that he's "good friends with several team owners." (And he doesn't know shit about baseball either, but he hangs out with the Steinbrenners.)

And yesterday, Romney earned the support of one of his "favorite" artists, none other than that whiskey-swillin', ho-bangin', trailer trash, white rapper/rocker Kid Rock. How's that for common-man street cred? Except Kid Rock is really Bobby Ritchie, born into privilege just north of Detroit. His father owned a couple Lincoln-Mercury dealerships. Bobby was raised in an 8000 square foot lakefront home with enough acreage for horses, apple orchards and a party barn. So . . . yeah.

On the other hand, in his quest to be the Biggest Conservative among Conservatives, Santorum has now left Puritan-ville and is speeding straight toward Torquemada Town.

Rick The Ick has recently said, "Separation of church and state makes me want to throw up. I don't believe in it."

"Obama said he wants everyone in America to go to college. What a snob!"

Rick's worried about our kids, worried about "some liberal college professor trying to indoctrinate them."

According to Rick, "[Most] kids who enter college with some sort of faith commitment leave without it."

(And from 3 years ago but still fair game because Rick says he stands behind his words) "This is a spiritual war and the Father of Lies, Satan, has his sights on the USA."

So, Michigan voters, your choice is clear: Would you prefer The Gilded Age or The Inquisition?

Who's Better Off?

2012-02-28T08:09:00.017-08:00

(Another excellent point from one of our best local commentators. For more, click "Dave Girves" under Buster's Links.)
____________________________________________________

Letters to the Editor

Columbus Dispatch,

“It’s not a bed of roses for higher earners,” (Bob Beatty’s letter in Monday’s Dispatch), tries to make the argument that the guy earning $90,000 and netting only $73,000 after paying his taxes, while working 62 hours each week, isn’t really so much more comfortable than the guy who earns only $7,000 and gets an $8,000 earned income credit. He assumes the poor soul earning $7,000 is making $7.70 per hour so therefore must only be working 23 weeks a year. Might I suggest it is more likely he is working 50 weeks a year but can only find a job that gives him 19 hours of work a week? Bob needs to experience what the less fortunate live with daily to truly understand their plight.

While the high earner may not feel "comfortable", I would bet that the low earner would do all in his power to trade places with him.

It reminds me of black comedian Chris Rock making a point about racism by telling all the white men in his audience: “I’m a millionaire, but not one of you would trade places with me.”

David T. Girves

GOP Debate Review

2012-02-26T10:06:00.002-08:00

By Bill Maher.
Published 2/23/12 in the Huffington Post
________________________________________________________

The Republicans sure have the right symbol with the elephant. Republican debates are nothing but elephants in the room.

The biggest of which must be: to someone out there who's hurting, they spend the whole two hours yammering away about earmarks and illegal immigrants and contraception and every other peripheral, wish-I-had-the-time-to-worry-about-it issue they can think of.

Then there is the elephant of how they all -- with the sometime exception of Ron Paul -- nod along to insane statements just because they don't want to ever look like they're to the left of anybody, on anything, especially the evilness of Barack Obama. So Wednesday night when Newt said the president of the United States had a history of practicing infanticide... yep, yep, yessir, that's what he does all right. Clubs infants like baby seals in his spare time. Ike played golf, Kennedy liked boating...

Ron Paul said foreign aid just helps our enemies. Which, I believe, would make Israel and Egypt our two biggest enemies. Yup, yup, hate foreign aid. A meaningless percentage of the budget, btw.

Newt said where government becomes the central provider of services, it's a move towards tyranny -- yeah, except in all the countries where it isn't, like all of Scandanavia and much of Europe. Today a barium enema paid for by medicare, tomorrow Poland.

And isn't a highlight of every debate when Mitt Romney takes umbrage at being accused of the best thing he ever did in his life -- Romneycare? Something he should be proud of? Last night he took out his dueling glove and declared that when he was governor, he made sure there was NO requirement from the church to provide morning after pills for rape victims. They will be punished with a baby, as Jesus would want. Mitt's attitude is always, "How dare you accuse me of helping people or being compassionate! Why, I'll have you know I'm every bit as much of a cold hearted bastard as any of these other pricks up here with me!"

"But Mitt, we have a picture of you giving money to a homeless person."

"I did NOT give a bum money! I was paying him to blow me!"

The biggest elephant in the room tonight for me was Satan. All day, TV news was talking about Satan because of Rick Santorum's dug-up (but, no doubt still accurate) comments about Satan from 2008. It just shows you how when someone is a nobody politically speaking -- as Santorum was in 2008 -- you can say any kind of crazy shit and it's not newsworthy. But when you are seeking the highest office in the land ... in the world -- it really worries me that you believe in demons and a personified creature named Satan.

People get mad at me for using the phrase "this stupid country", which I sometimes do -- but, I'm sorry -- Satan? In 2012? This elephant is not only in the room at the debates, but everywhere on TV today where people were talking about this and not breaking down in the middle and screaming, Wait a minute -- We're modern people, surely we don't give any credence to this comic book character that was created in the bronze age!! It's barely worthy of a children's story, and people take it to the Oval Office -- Bush did -- and it affects their thinking and our lives. Why is Santorum so against contraception? Because there's a line in Genesis about not spilling your seed. A random brainfart from some desert dweller 3,000 years ago, before people knew about germs or atoms or round planets, and it gets written down and passed down and in 2012 people like Rick Santorum are still too R-word to see that, and that's why some woman in Akron, Ohio might not get birth control.

And as far as Rick's claim tonight that even though he holds these beliefs, he wouldn't legislate them? Bullshit -- he said states absolutely had the right to outlaw contraception. That's the same thing -- as an officer of the government, he should take the opposite position. Ron Paul would.

My favorite moment of the debate was the last question, when they all were asked to summarize themselves in one word: Ron Paul said "consistency," and you know what? I have no argument with that. It's true, and he's earned it.

The other ones however, I think I could find a more honest word. Mitt Romney said "resolute." I would have gone with "shapeshifter." Or perhaps "irresolute." Rick Santorum said "courage" , whereas I would have said "Bellevue." And Newt Gingrich said "cheerful." I was thinking "pus."

One other thing: in the overtime, I heard Ron Paul make the point to John King that his foreign policy was similar to Eisenhower's, how Ike avoided getting militarily involved in Vietnam or the Suez Canal and got out of Korea. Because he was a military man. Ron Paul served, also -- the other three not so much. I know it will never become law, because it would require a constitutional amendment, but I don't think it would be such a bad thing if you had to have served in the military if you wanted to be president. Kennedy also avoided war where many would not have. After him, though, we got into the era of non-servers and draft-dodgers, and used the military like a toy. Ex-soldiers understand it's not. And the president is Commander-in-Chief -- shouldn't you have served some time in an organization you're the head of?

I hope this was the last Republican debate. Well, I say that, but I'll need the material after I use up an hour of good jokes tomorrow night, so, fuck it, keep going.

Last bullshit call: In his closing statement, Rick Santorum said that in the race against the Evil One (no, not that Evil One, he was talking about Obama), the president would have the media in his pocket (yeah, except Fox News, lots of newspapers, all of radio... ), and way more money. Huh? Sheldon Adelson this week said he might give $100 million to Newt Gingrich! If he'd give that to Newt who has no chance, he might give more to Romney. And he's just one old cranky billionaire who hates Obama, there's a whole gaggle of them.

And Sheldon, if you want to blow money so bad, just walk into one of your hotels in Vegas and go to the Roulette table.

We're Sorry. Honest. Can't We Just Buy You Some New Ones?

2012-02-26T08:58:00.009-08:00

Faithful readers know that Buster is "religiously tolerant", which is to say that I'm not a very religious person and can barely tolerate those who are, especially when they are behaving badly in the name of their religion.

Such behavior is not limited to American Christianity. Every faith has its history of succumbing to zealous stupidity. At the moment, a classic example is occurring in Afghanistan.

Somehow, for some reason, our security troops at Bagram Air Base tossed a few Korans into pile of burning trash. Not the brightest move, inadvertent or not, since Muslims believe that sort of thing is the worst form of blasphemy.

So we got busy apologizing our asses off -- the generals apologized, Hillary apologized, even Obama apologized, and all were fairly sincere. But it's tough to appease a righteously pissed-off Afghan. The local Muslims went apeshit anyway, throwing stones and rioting. Yesterday, they grabbed a couple of our soldiers and killed them. Another fine display of religion in action, all over a book. That's one of the tenets of all major religions, isn't it? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, your life for a book? Or maybe I have that wrong.

In any event, we're fuckin' sorry as hell, OK? Jeez, give it a break! We'd be happy to replace your damaged Korans, maybe even throw in a few extra for your trouble. They're available brand-new on Amazon.com for just $39.99 each, and they have that great "new book smell." Our treat. Whadya say?

Deep Thoughts

2012-02-25T16:19:00.008-08:00

(Provided by a faithful reader. Thanks, Faithful Reader!)

10 THOUGHTS TO PONDER

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Men have two emotions -- hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

6. Some people are like Slinkys -- not really good for anything, but it's still fun to shove them down the stairs.

5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

2. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought: Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers -- what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

. . . and as someone recently said to me, "Don't worry about old age -- it doesn't last that long."

"We're Gonna Need A Domed Stadium For Sure"

2012-02-24T15:12:00.001-08:00

Another Great Excuse! It's Political Genius!

2012-02-24T14:26:00.005-08:00

Last night at yet another Republican primary debate, CNN's John King asked Mitt Romney a simple softball question. ("What's the biggest misconception about you?") In his response, Romney went off on a completely non-answer tangent, just spewing boiler-plate bullshit. King called him on it and again asked him to answer the question.

A snotty Romney replied, "You get to ask the questions you want, I get to give the answers I want." (And they do not in any way have to be related!)

This could be good -- an important new philosophy that frees us up from damn near everything!

Wife's question to husband: "Dear, have you always been faithful to me?"

Husband's answer to wife: "I prefer New England clam chowder to the Manhattan style."

Mandel Of Mystery

2012-02-24T13:53:00.004-08:00

Josh Mandel is the Treasurer of Ohio. He was elected in November 2010 and has now served as Treasurer for 13 months. In truth, for the past 12 and a half months he has been running against Sherrod Brown for a U.S. Senate seat. This is pretty much his full-time occupation.

In his real job as state treasurer, he is the chairman of the Ohio Board of Deposit, which designates where all public money is deposited. The Deposit Board meets once a month, and Young Josh hasn't been to one yet. He's oh-for-thirteen.

Nice work if you can get it!

"But Let's Discuss The Real Issues."

2012-02-24T13:29:00.007-08:00

Another crazy Li'l Kim is in charge in North Korea.
A dictator is slaughtering his own citizens in Syria.
The Koch Brothers vow to spend $100 million to get the election results they want.
Iran is making scary noises about building an A-bomb.
Israel is threatening to nuke Iran before they get it built.
The American recovery from the Great Recession is jeopardized by the economic woes of the European Union.
China continues to engage in currency manipulation and unfair trade practices.
The U.S. economy is improving but unemployment is still too high.
Endless civil war in Darfur, Sudan has killed millions.
American roads, bridges, and buildings are deteriorating at an alarming rate.
Our military is still stomping around in Afghanistan.

And what pressing issues do our fine GOP presidential candidates want to talk about?

Abortion, contraceptives, and gay marriage! Un-friggin'-believable!

Classic Hollywood Squares

2012-02-24T07:40:00.011-08:00

This is old stuff and you've probably seen it (or something similar) before, but it's still hilarious. It's from the original Hollywood Squares TV show. The host, Peter Marshall, would ask the questions, and the stars would ad-lib some great answers:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?

Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won't go up to your apartment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?

Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Zsa Zsa Gabor, does black look sexy on a woman?

Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?

Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?

George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him, I guess.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In bowling, what's a perfect score?

Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?

Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?

Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.

George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?

Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?

George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?

Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?

Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

Charley Weaver: His feet.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do female frogs croak?

Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At NASA, what keeps the cool air running around in the spacesuits?

Paul Lynde: Itsy Bitsy Eskimoes....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Better Homes and Gardens, is it a good idea to give your yard a light sprinkle?

Michael Landon: ...Well, if you can't make it to the house, I mean...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bring Jeff Stahler Back To The Dispatch!

2012-02-22T13:35:00.000-08:00

He's been gone about two months now, and I miss him. Jeff Stahler was an award-winning editorial cartoonist for the Columbus Dispatch. He didn't die, he was canned/quit over a "plagiarism" allegation. Stahler drew his panel well after the one that ran in the New Yorker. And the two are very similar. Could be coincidence, but probably not.

Plagiarism is cheating and should not be condoned. In this case, however, we're talking about one-panel cartoons, not doctoral theses or scientific research. Just doesn't seem like a firing offense -- the guy's not a reporter, he draws funny pictures.

Stahler's one the top political/editorial cartoonists in the country. He was one of the few bright spots in the otherwise lame Dispatch. When Columbus snagged him eight years ago from the Cincinnati Post, he was already well-known and nationally syndicated -- a rising star. He gave our wimpy local some instant credibility. (Until he arrived, the Dispatch employed the worst cartoonists imaginable. Boring, ugly, never funny. For decades pre-Stahler, the Dispatch never had a cartoonist capable of a presidential caricature. Never.) Stahler drew two cartoons every weekday: one for our editorial page, the other for his syndicated "Moderately Confused" panel.

And now he's gone. His "Moderately Confused" still runs in our comics section (How does the Dispatch justify that?) but our editorial page now gives us a steady diet of the cheaper, less clever, and more conservative (of course!) syndicated cartoonists, including the frequently racist Ed Gamble. A sad state of affairs.

I wish Stahler and the Dispatch would kiss and make up.

The White House Blues All-Star Band

2012-02-22T12:33:00.000-08:00

There was a little party in D.C. last night. The White House Blues All-Stars played the East Room. The band was led by Booker T. and included Buddy Guy, Derek Trucks, B.B. King, Jeff Beck, Mick Jagger, and on vocals, Barack Obama.

Conservatives just don't do this . . . and we really wouldn't want them to, would we?
You go, Cuz!

For The Sake Of Equal Time

2012-02-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

Worth At Least 1000 Words

2012-02-21T14:21:00.000-08:00

You can probably figure out who this is. I know it's in poor taste to ridicule a person's appearance, particularly in an old yearbook photo. But we can make an exception for this one, can't we? I mean, . . . DAMN!!!! Were there no mirrors in your house?

The Stem-Winders In Cincinnati

2012-02-21T08:40:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, Mitt Romney was campaigning in Cincinnati, accompanied by Ohio Senator Rob Portman. Together, they are two of the blandest, most boring, bought-and-paid-for whitebread Republicans on the scene today. Romney made a little speech at some local company, and Portman introduced him. I saw a video clip this morning and I wish I could find it, because the Robby and Mitt Show set new records for uninspiring blah. All I can find is the photo, but trust me, it was a cheap thin steak and there was no sizzle.

In a soft monotone devoid of any noticeable emotion, Portman said something like, ". . . And now I'll introduce the man I'm endorsing for president, Mitt Romney. Let's give him a big Cincinnati welcome." There was a smattering of perfunctory applause followed by silence.

Amid the silence, Romney sprang to the podium and grabbed the microphone, waving his arms as though an ovation was washing over him. With his usual fake smile glued onto his plastic mug, and all the forced enthusiasm he could muster, Mitt said something like, "Oh, wow, what a great introduction! Thank you so much, Senator Portman, for all your nice words. You're much too kind. Thank you. Oh, it's so great to be here!" But the audience just sat there, imitating statues.

At that point, Mitt and Rob wore facial expressions that said, "Fuck it. Let's wrap this up and go grab a Scotch at the Hyde Park Country Club."

Note to Zig Ziglar, Tony Robbins, and Wayne Dyer -- The Robby and Mitt Motivational Tour has been cancelled. Your jobs are safe.

The Year's Biggest Asshole . . . So Far

2012-02-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

(Published in The Huffington Post, 2/21/12)

An Indiana lawmaker has decided not to support a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts because he feels the group is a "radicalized organization" that "sexualizes" young girls and promotes homosexuality.

In a letter sent to Indiana lawmakers obtained by the Journal Gazette, Rep. Bob Morris (R-Fort Wayne) said he plans to pull his two daughters out of their Indiana Girl Scout troop because information he found online about how the organization allegedly operates. One source he mentions is conservative "news" site World Net Daily.

The Associated Press reports:

... Morris said he found online allegations that the Girl Scouts are a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood, encourage sex and allow transgender females to join. He also wrote that the fact that first lady Michelle Obama is honorary president should give lawmakers pause before they endorse the Girl Scouts.

Morris goes on to say those considered role models by the Girl Scouts are all "feminists, lesbians, or Communists" and claims that troops are no longer allowed to pray or sing Christmas Carols.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Holy shit! This is what they elect in Indiana? Some troglodyte moron who believes everything he reads on the internet? The lunatics are running the Hoosier asylum.

The Wheels Of Progress

2012-02-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

Fifty-two years ago, campaigning to be the first-ever Catholic President of the United States, John F. Kennedy felt compelled to deliver a speech to an assembly of Protestant clergymen in which he assured them that the Catholic church was not some sort of "secret society" and that, if elected, he would not be taking orders from the Pope.

Hard to believe that, not that long ago, American prejudice made such a speech necessary. Well, on second thought, not so hard to believe after all. Our streak of Mayflower WASP-ish intolerance is wide, deep, and a matter of record. Just ask the native Americans, the African slaves, and every sort of un-WASP-ish ethnic and religious group that ever ventured to these shores.

Slowly and unsteadily, we get better. We eventually rise above the nonsense. Kennedy, the scary Catholic, was elected. For 1960, it was kind of a big deal. Happily, being Catholic isn't a big deal at all these days. Two of our current GOP presidential hopefuls are Catholic.

Unhappily, bigotry and fear of the "other" still plays a role in this country, and some bastards don't hesitate to exploit it -- and yes, I refer to those two devout douchebag Catholics, Gingrich and Santorum.

Progress always has its sticking points. An example is the "Christian Expedient": So far in our history, whether Protestant or Catholic, our presidents have been Christian, or at least have found it the smart play to claim to be. This includes the Christian but decidedly un-WASPy Barack Obama, who Newt and Rick want you to believe is instead the radical black Kenyan Muslim Marxist who's not an American citizen. No, they would never say such things themselves, but if others do, well, whatcha gonna do?

Good luck with that shit, boys. It didn't work in 2008, and it probably won't work now. But the fact that the fear-mongering Fox News crowd thinks it might work and is still trying to peddle it is evidence that our progress has a long way to go.

One of these days, I don't know when, it will happen like this:

Responding to the obligatory question, a mainstream, non-crackpot presidential candidate will forthrightly say, "My religion, if any, is of no consequence. I am running to be your president, not your preacher, priest, rabbi or imam. If I'm elected, I will work my ass off and do the job to the very best of my ability, but religion will have nothing to do with it. Let me put it another way -- my religion, or lack thereof, is personal and is none of your fucking business! Next question."

Now that would be progress! I'd vote for that person in a heartbeat! But it probably won't happen in my lifetime.

"Make Fun Of Mitt" Monday

2012-02-20T08:00:00.001-08:00

From NY Times cartoonist Brian McFadden, here is some "Campaign Comeback Advice For Mitt Romney":

While campaigning in the Michigan primary, the Glove commented weirdly that he loves Michigan because "the trees are the right height." Or are they?

Santorum "Clarifies"

2012-02-20T07:22:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, everybody asked him what the hell he was talking about, so Rick Santorum explained his comments of Saturday: By "theology", he actually meant "ecology". (And who among us has not made the same mistake?) Yes, what he meant to say was that the president has a phony radical environmental agenda that "elevates the earth above man and says you can't take resources because we're going to harm the earth by scientifically unproven global warming, which is just an attempt to give more power to the government." Santorum said he believed that man should have "dominion over the earth", and all its women, and the occasional sheep if need be.

He further clarified his non-radical environmental values by stating that pre-natal testing leads directly to abortion.

Wow. Keep talkin', Rick, just keep talkin'.

Gimme That Old Time Religion!

2012-02-19T08:40:00.001-08:00

Speaking yesterday to a group of Tea Party supporters in Columbus, Ohio, Rick Santorum told them, "[President Obama's agenda] is not about you. It's not about your quality of life. It's not about your jobs. It's about some phony ideal. Some phony theology. Oh, not a theology based on the Bible. A different theology."

When asked about the statement at a news conference later, Santorum said, "He is imposing his values on the Christian church. He can categorize those values anyway he wants. I'm not going to. If the president says he's a Christian, he's a Christian."

Santorum concluded the news conference by handling snakes, speaking in tongues, and healing a cripple.

The New Compassionate Conservatism -- A Faithful Reader Has An Idea

2012-02-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

The world is bursting at the seams with overpopulation, and the only thing our Republican politicians can come up with is to be utterly opposed to contraception on the grounds of "religious freedom". Santorum says contraceptives are the #1 threat to our society.

The GOP insists that global warming is a hoax, so fuck it! -- let's drill, frack, dig, and pipeline ourselves into extinction ASAP.

Gingrich wants to slash social services and have poor children mop the floors at their schools.

The race-baiting governor of Arizona wags her bony-ass finger in the face of the President of the United States.

Too many Republican governors are fixated on zygote rights, union-busting, and guns for everyone, everywhere, all the time.

Under the pending legislation in Virginia, women who want an abortion will be forcibly penetrated with a sonogram probe for no medical reason.

And Romney drives cross-country with his dog strapped to the roof of his car, and sees nothing wrong with it.

So it's no wonder that a faithful reader offered this thought:

Buster,

If somehow the Republicans win this fall, do you think we can make a nuclear deal with Iran and have those compassionate Mullahs come in to help liberalize our society?

D** (a faithful reader)

Buster writes back:

Dear D**,

You may be onto something. The Mullahs seem like Eleanor Roosevelt, compared to some of our home-grown conservatives. Could we get them to nuke just the wing-nut douchebags?

Buster

Bill Maher On Divisiveness

2012-02-14T08:09:00.001-08:00

(Provided by a faithful reader. Thank you, faithful reader!)

So funny, and so true!

Monday Is "Make Fun Of Mitt" Day

2012-02-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

In which Romney channels Bill Murray twice:
_________________________________________________________

Quien Es Mas Conservative?

Remember the old SNL skit about a Spanish-language game show hosted by Bill Murray? They called it "Quien Es Mas Macho?", and the contestants had to guess which of two actors was more macho. The answer was always Ricardo Montalban.

The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) was held this past weekend, and it was kinda the same thing, but without the consensus answer. Each of the Republican presidential candidates tried to prove to the audience that he had the biggest, stiffest dick in the race.

When it was Mitt Romney's turn, he asserted that he himself was "severely conservative." What a peculiar combination of words. In Buster's experience, the words which usually follow the adverb "severely" are limited, injured, disabled, or constipated.
_________________________________________________________

In the 2/16/12 issue of Rolling Stone, the incomparable Matt Taibbi fires off a few shots:

"Romney's a hypernervous control freak who flips out if you poke at the paper-thin veneer of his schlock patriotic presentation."

"The robotic Mormon financier looks like a walking OCD diagnosis."

[When Mitt sang "America the Beautiful"] "it was the Mormon-underwear version of Bill Murray's "Star Wars, Nothing But Star Wars" lounge singer routine."

"As his boring-mannequin act crumbled, Romney's true self -- deluded gazillionaire nitwit --was thrust naked onstage."

_____________________________________________________________

Mitt, you're just such a doggone easy target!

Office Politics? Real Politics? Both!

2012-02-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

"We're not unreasonable . . . "
"Maybe we should compromise . . . "
"I sure appreciate the way you're working with me . . . "

AEP's Rate Hike: "Verily I Say Unto You, It Is A Crock Of Shit And It Stinketh!"

2012-02-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

One or two faithful readers know that Buster has been doing battle recently against AEP and the PUCO, protesting large rate hikes to our homeowners association, of which I'm treasurer. We have a number of AEP accounts, and most of our January electric bills were up 30%-40%. One was up 60%, and another up an incredible 450%. There was no advance notice.

Residential rates are largely unaffected. It seems that this rate increase falls almost entirely upon certain classes of "commercial rate tariffs" -- small businesses, schools, churches, homeowners associations and such. (Who knew our not-for-profit HOA was a commercial account? Not me, but I do now.)

AEP tries to justify the rate hike by claiming these commercial classes have forever been subsidized and priced well under-market. (I had no idea AEP was such a bunch of humanitarians -- the Mother Teresa of utilities.)

Just last week, an AEP rep told me with a smile that, according to her analysis, "that account will have an increase of only 63%." (Only 63%? What a fuckin' relief! I was afraid it was gonna go up 64%.)

A letter to me from the PUCO chairman explains that the "degree of increase depends on the customer's usage pattern." (Not the actual usage, you see, just the damn pattern.) The pattern they don't like is "low load, high demand" -- occasional high use, but mostly next to nothing. That describes our tennis court lights, the one that went up 450%. Our annual usage at the court is 350 KWH. Annual. (In contrast, our household used 25,000 KWH last year.) The December bill for 0 KWH at the court was $12. The January bill, also for 0 KWH, was $67. For nothing. Because of our pattern.

And while small businesses and dinky outfits like our HOA deal get clobbered with this shit, the new AEP rate plan gives large companies big decreases in electric rates. (Ringing any familiar bells?)

The guiding hand behind this deal is John-Boy, the Wonder Guv. This is all part of his grand scheme to make Ohio "business friendly" and a "low-cost energy state." Except he neglected to mention what he really meant was "friendly and low-cost for the large corporations. 'Cause I have favors to repay. And if it screws the little guy, well, oops!"

Reminds me of his pet project, SB 5. He thunders and blunders and thrashes around, trying to please his big business backers, but succeeds mainly in pissing off most of the middle class. Then he has to shift into full back-pedal, damage-control mode.

That's where he is now with this current PR disaster. After initially saying it was a done deal, like or lump it, now, after much outcry and hundreds of formal complaints, Kasich and AEP and the PUCO are suddenly "sensitive to the negative impacts" and are "addressing" our concerns. Well, friggin' goody.

This truly is a stinky deal. I've made some small headway in dealing with AEP, but the entire rate plan needs a do-over, and we need a group effort. If you're an affected AEP commercial customer, please contact AEP, the PUCO, the governor, and your state representatives and lodge a complaint.

Comment And Response

2012-02-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

Comment from "Anonymous", regarding my post of 2/2/12 Dispatch Taxes My Patience:

Buster, Warren, and Obama need to drop the secretary vs the rich thing. It is truly an absurd attempt to mislead the ignorant while promoting higher taxes ON ALL who pay long term capital gains taxes. But hey, it will get Obama some praise and most of the media does not have time to explain the whole story. When Buster downsizes from that big suburban house to a smaller Florida condo does he want to pay 15% on the long term capital gain from the big house sale? Apparently not because that is unfair to the poor and downtrodden and he would rather pay 35%. Yes, Mr and Mrs Buster worked hard making regular income and paying the higher 28 to 35% tax rate on that income while paying for the house over 30 years but now you want to pay 35% AGAIN. Even though much of the capital gain income from the house sale has been eaten up by higher costs of living. Doggone it, the government and the poor deserve it. When the secretary saves for the rest of her life, and she will need to because Social Security is a pile of steaming dog pooh, should she pay 35% on her mutual fund generated retirement income that she needs to survive in her retirement years? Oh wait, she's not rich. Hopefully, she is a government secretary. Then her retirement will be taken care of for as long as she lives and, in the equitable and benevolent way that the only the government can guarantee.......as long as they can keep finding ways to collect more taxes.

Buster responds:

Interesting comment, Anonymous. It's flattering to be grouped with Buffett and Obama. Good company, I'd say.

We have not advocated for a 35% flat tax on all capital gains. Nor have we suggested the secretary should pay 35% on her retirement income. We know, however, that the current 15% flat rate can produce inequitably disproportionate results, with very large investment income taxed at a much lower rate than small ordinary income. Such a situation has been famously illustrated by the case of Mr. Buffett and his secretary, and also by Romney's $22 million taxed at a net 14%. This is the inherent flaw in any flat tax -- the advantages are skewed to the top end of the scale. Consequently, our point is that there needs to be some degree of progressive taxation of capital gains, at least on very high investment incomes. It is, as the President said, a matter of fairness and common sense.

And thanks for sharing with us that you really don't care for the poor, the downtrodden, the government, or the very idea of taxation. And since Social Security is such a steaming pile of shit, we trust you will not be taking your benefits when you retire. Just as a matter of principle.

Better check your kitchen -- I think your Tea kettle is whistling.

Media Reaction To Kasich Speech: WTF??!

2012-02-10T08:21:00.001-08:00

(From the Cincinnati Enquirer)
STEUBENVILLE — Non-bluetongue cows going to Turkey. A dream about Jerry Seinfeld in the back seat of a car. Californians as “a bunch of wackadoodles.”

John Kasich’s second State of the State speech Tuesday was rambling and, at times, bizarre. Among his head-jerking references, Kasich told the first three winners of a newly created state courage award not to sell the medals on eBay, pointed out his “hot wife,” and imitated someone with Parkinson’s disease when he talked about “deep brain massage.”

In other words, typical Kasich.
______________________________________________________________________

(From the Huffington Post)
During the address, Kasich imitated a Parkinson's patient, cried, insulted the people of California, praised his "hot wife," gave 14 shout-outs to the same person and played an awards show host while tearfully channeling a famously emotional fellow Ohio Republican, House Speaker John Boehner.

Roughly 70 minutes into the speech, Kasich discussed medical research and its impact on the Buckeye State's economy. He was highlighting a deep brain massage program at Ohio State University to cure Parkinson's when he started simulating the shaking actions that mark the disease as a means of highlighting what he and his cabinet saw when they visited the facility.

"By the way, he's got a guy working up there by the name of Doctor Rezai -- this guy is doing deep brain massage," Kasich said of the program. "And I went up -- the cabinet saw it, but I was up there and there was a man and what he does is he puts a sensor imprint in the brain and pacemaker in the shoulder and it sends a signal to disrupt the bad signals that cause Parkinson's in people. There was a man, they shut off the pacemaker, they put it back on. He gave me a carved piece of wood. It was like magic."
_____________________________________________________________________

(Buster's 30-Second Analysis)
Our governor is required to give just one big "important" speech every year, the State of the State address. It's a mix of tradition, ritual, ceremony, and media event. What does it suggest about that governor when he delivers such a formal speech without any prepared remarks, but instead with random notes scribbled on scraps of paper? ("Wait -- where'd I put that cocktail napkin? I had some good stuff on it. Damn!") That sort of Alfred E. Neuman attitude says that person is either reckless, or flat doesn't give a shit, or has arrogantly overestimated his own abilities. Probably all of the above.

"Prop 8 -- The Musical"

2012-02-10T07:52:00.001-08:00

A shout-out to the federal court that overturned California's Proposition 8 gay marriage ban.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

Will Ferrell Introduces The Chicago Bulls

2012-02-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

Just last night, and yeah, you've seen it already, but it's still silly good fun, unless you're a diehard Bulls fan with a humor deficit. Just Will being Will: ". . . and he's a horrible dancer!"

By the way, the Bulls beat 'em bad.

Wow! That Place Sounds Better Than Vegas!

2012-02-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

Meet Louisiana Representative John Fleming (R). He's staunchly anti-abortion and has called it a "pernicious evil". A couple days ago, in the midst of the Planned Parenthood-Susan G. Komen kerfuffle, he updated his Facebook page by posting a disturbing online article he'd come across. Fleming's personal comment was, "More on Planned Parenthood; Abortion by the wholesale." The article followed:

TOPEKA, KS -- Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible . . .

The article went on to describe this massive Kansas clinic with "coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater."

The online article was from TheOnion.com. And was from May 2011.

What the hell goes on in Louisiana? How did this moron get elected?

Health Care Reform Is An Attack On Religious Freedom?

2012-02-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

Part of the Affordable Care Act of 2010 says that, by 2014, most employers must offer health insurance to their employees. It also says that this insurance must cover birth control pills and other contraception. This requirement doesn't apply to churches themselves, but would apply to places like religious-affiliated hospitals.

The conservative overlords never miss a chance to stir up their lame-brained foamy-mouth constituents, so here we go again. Some Catholic church officials are going full freak-out over this, John The Orange Boner is making threatening speeches in Congress, and Gingrich and Santorum are using it for a more-Catholic-than-thou litmus test on the GOP campaign trail.

The critics contend that this provision is an unconstitutional attack on religious freedom which will prevent people from practicing their beliefs. I'm callin' bullshit on that. The critics just don't like contraceptives, period. (An idiotic position, but there you have it.)

First, actual churches don't count -- the priest will not be flinging pills and party hats from the pulpit. And Catholic hospitals don't have to distribute contraceptives to everybody who walks through the door, they just have to make them available to their employees under their company health plan. In that regard, they are just another employer.

Second, Catholic hospitals employ many people who aren't Catholic, who may not agree with the official Vatican position on contraception. Of course, all your devout, obedient Catholic employees would never ever use any contraceptive device (Right!), so it's a moot point for them. But do you really want to deny non-Catholic employees a basic coverage provided by virtually every other employer?

Third, this isn't about religious practices -- find me the part in the Bible about birth control pills -- it's about the Catholic church trying to flex its canonical muscle and preserve some shred of its institutional authority. But most Catholics have long ignored the Vatican's reproductive advice. In this area, the obedient Catholic is a myth. Something like 95%+ of all Catholic women have used some sort of birth control. These days, it's simply the way things are done, and we are all better off for it.

To each his own, but when it comes to contraception, it's time for the Catholic church to join the modern world.

Social Media Explained

2012-02-05T11:15:00.001-08:00

Working Without A Net

2012-02-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

"Safety net" has suddenly gone viral. All the Republican candidates are talking about it.

Recently Mitt Romney said, "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there."

Newt Gingrich retorts, "I'm for turning the safety net into a trampoline for the poor, so they can spring up and quit being poor." Newt elaborated by saying that, ideally, the poor would spring all the way up to the moon so we wouldn't have to look at them anymore.

Rick Santorum said that he considers safety nets to be a form of contraception against an unwanted outcome, and because the Vatican does not approve of contraception, safety nets for the poor are therefore immoral. Santorum suggested that some people might want to try the rhythm method to reduce their chances of poverty, but said he believes that a certain amount of poor people is God's will.

Ron Paul said that safety nets are neither bad nor good, but his point is that the government should not be in the safety net business. Said Paul, "In my administration, if you decide you want a safety net, fine -- go get one for yourself. Who's stopping you? It just won't be a government-issued safety net. And if you can't figure out how to get one without Uncle Sam's help, well, tough shit, pal. You're on your own."

"Me Too" Not Always A Good Idea

2012-02-05T09:30:00.000-08:00

It's like Mom always said: Just because someone else does something doesn't mean you should do it too.

Obama does a surprisingly good job singing a couple bars of Al Green. So Romney decides to sing an entire stanza of "America The Beautiful":

America may be beautiful, Mitt, but that was not.

The Dispatch Taxes My Patience

2012-02-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

The Columbus Dispatch editorialized today, condemning Barack Obama for promoting "class warfare" in his State of the Union speech when he again mentioned the fact that Warren Buffett's secretary is taxed at a higher effective rate than Buffett himself.

The Dispatch wanted me to know that this is not always the case, that most multi-millionaires and billionaires pay a higher effective rate than you or I. (Boy, I feel better already!)

The income taxes we pay are a result of the amount of money we make (higher incomes pay higher rates), how we make it (investment income is taxed at 15%, ordinary income anywhere from 10% to 35%), and our ability to reduce our taxable income via deductions, shelters, and credits (mortgage interest, contributions to IRA's, health savings accounts, charities, etc.).

Yes, the well-to-do generally pay more than lower income people (and they should), but not always. Lots of investment income and lots of write-offs can turn the tables, as in the case of Buffett. And in the case of Mitt Romney, whose recently-released tax return shows him paying just 14%. And there are many, many people making a hell of a lot less than Mitt paying a higher percentage than he is because theirs is ordinary income and they don't have shitloads of deductions.

Buffett calls such a situation crazy. He thinks it should be changed. Romney calls it the American way. He likes it just the way it is.

Obama sides with Buffett, and calls for change. And he continues to call for the expiration of George W. Bush's supposedly temporary tax cuts, at least on the top bracket (which should be back at 39%, not 35%). Dubya's supply-side, trickle-down magic tax cut didn't work, and combined with his two wars, it sent the deficit sky-high. This is what got us on the tax topic to begin with! A return to pre-Bush rates would provide a ton of helpful deficit-reducing revenue. But every time you mention it, Boehner, Cantor and McConnell pitch an absolute hissy-fit and threaten to shut down the government. Brilliant!

In his SOTU speech, Obama said that billionaires paying taxes equal to their secretaries is what "most Americans would call common sense."

The Dispatch editor disagrees, and claims Obama is being "deliberately misleading about the tax code, with the hope of stirring up resentment among voters."

Buster says if anyone's trading in misleading resentment, it's the D'Bag Dispatch.

"Oh Gosh, I Am So (Dis)Honored To Have Your Endorsement!"

2012-02-03T12:46:00.000-08:00

Stupendous news! None other than Donald Trump -- The Donald -- has endorsed Mitt Romney. And just last week Palin and Cain came out for Gingrich. Wow. Such big names, it simply boggles the mind.

Buster's unnamed but highly reliable sources tell him that Glenn Beck, Howie Mandel, Carrot Top, and Krusty will be the next batch of clowns to endorse a Republican.

Do Unto Others . . . Then Get The Hell Out Of Town!

2012-02-02T14:47:00.000-08:00

Breaking with long tradition, next week John "The Wonder Guv" Kasich will not give his State of the State address from the Ohio Capitol. Last year's little chat came in the midst of his SB 5 debacle, and the rotunda and the Capitol grounds were filled with raucous, chanting protesters. With the memory of his comeuppance still fresh, John-Boy's just not feelin' the love in Columbus, so this year he's leaving town. He'll address his subjects -- I mean citizens -- from the real heart of The Heart Of It All, Steubenville.

Steubenville, or as it's sometime called, suburban Weirton, is an old manufacturing town known for closed steel mills, political corruption, and Dean Martin. Kasich says it's as good a place as any to make a speech, and I suppose it is. But it's kinda like the President delivering the State of the Union address from, say, Blacksburg, Virginia.

Attendance could be fairly light. Some media will be there, of course, along with Kasich's family and a handful of retirees from the local mills. Beyond that, it'll be a crap shoot. The Ohio legislature will be in session and many lawmakers of both parties say they just can't spare the 5-6 hour travel time. Attorney General Mike DeWine says he can't make it. Ditto for Secretary of State Jon Husted. And nobody knows where the hell Lieutenant Governor Mary Taylor is! Do you suppose she's working her ass off on Ohio's newly required health insurance exchanges?

Me neither.

The Komen "Race To The Right"

2012-02-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the Susan G. Komen Foundation, the nation's preeminent advocate for breast cancer research, announced that they have cancelled their annual $500,000 contribution to Planned Parenthood, such contribution given for . . . breast cancer screenings! Huh? WTF?

Planned Parenthood has been around for a hell of lot longer than Komen, doing good and important work. It provides women -- often low-income, uninsured women -- with a variety of health services, including but not limited to abortions. Planned Parenthood receives federal funds, but, per the "Hyde Amendment", those funds are not used for abortions.

Nevertheless, abortion is the reason for the Komen Foundation's inexplicable decision. Less than a year ago, Komen recruited Karen Handel to be their Senior VP for Public Policy. Handel made an unsuccessful attempt to be the Republican candidate for Georgia governor in 2010. She is a virulent "pro-life" fanatic who has long wanted to de-fund and eliminate Planned Parenthood.

And just like that, Komen can no longer support breast cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood, the only place where some women can afford them. This is just weird. Komen's new public policy is counter-productive to their own mission.

In this case, the money is meaningless. It's just a drop in both buckets. Planned Parenthood will continue to provide screenings, thank you very much. And they may wind up getting more than $500,000 in protest/solidarity donations.

This is a case of Komen making a statement. Any claim to the contrary is 100% bullshit. For some reason (which they may regret already), Komen hired a conservative ideologue to oversee its public policy, and they got what they paid for. Komen now has a conservative ideological public policy. Ms. Handel made a statement, all right. A stupid one.

Up to this point, Susan G. Komen was never an obviously political organization. They took no sides, they just took money to do good work in a good cause. Their only drawback was their relentless pink-ifying of everything from baseball bats to buckets of KFC chicken.

But now they've taken a turn. It may please some, but it will piss off a lot more. Already has. I'll do a bit of advocacy myself: If you plan to run in the "Komen Race For The Cure", or just give them money, please think twice before you do. This year, consider giving that money to Planned Parenthood. I just sent them $20, and made my own statement.

Doing Your Duty

2012-01-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Most of us have done it several times, at least as a marital duty. Some of us do it regularly. Once in a while, it's very good. Sometimes it's awful. Usually, it's just sort of meh. Alcohol always helps.

I refer, of course, to the company party. (What did you think I was talking about?) We've all had our share of these more-or-less obligatory events. Every now and then, it can fun, but most often it's about endurance.

Saturday night, Buster escorted the lovely Mrs. Gammons to her employer's "Winter Party". That's what it said on the PowerPoint slide, and it was a semi-factual statement. Calendar-wise, it was winter.

The dear wife works for a credit union group, and let me tell you, those credit union employees really know how to raise the roof and pump up the volume! Not. In essence, it was a cattle-call -- a mass feeding on the company dime.

The chosen venue was Dave & Buster's (no relation). It was my first time at the establishment. Now I know why I stayed away so long -- it's a big-ass "kid-friendly" arcade. Dave & Buster's has the same ambience and clientele as your average Chuck E. Cheese. Excellent if you're eight years old. Not so hot for two hundred middle-age adults. It's a nice company gesture, but I'm just sayin' . . .

The food was inedible. Two buffet lines of giant chafing dishes filled with once-hot-but-now-cold delicacies like shrivelled, droopy french fries and small mystery-meat slider sandwiches. The only condiments were ranch dressing and taco sauce. They also served us lots of shit-on-a-stick -- chicken, shrimp, or steak (and I use the terms loosely.) I opted for the steak-like substance, pronounced it a "meat-sicle", and took a bite. One bite was enough.

On the plus side, cold beer was available and, as previously noted, it helped.

After this sumptuous repast, there were a few company recognition awards, a couple of prize drawings, and a blessedly brief speech from the CEO. And that was it. We had done our duty. We endured. We went home.

With Friends Like These . . .

2012-01-30T08:15:00.000-08:00

The Newt Who Would Be King is gettin' by with a little help from his friends.

Pokemon-quoting Herman Cain had previously said that he would not endorse any Republican presidential candidate but would instead make the "unconventional" move of endorsing "the people". (All of us?) But last week Cain changed course and endorsed Newt Gingrich. So I guess this means that Gingrich is the people. We are he and he is we? (We're all a bit like Newt, and there's a little bit of Newt in everyone -- especially some of you women, if you know what I mean.)

Also last week the High Priestess of WTF, Sarah Palin, said she'd hate to see a Romney landslide in the Florida primary (the Glove being not nearly nutty enough for her tastes). Sister Sarah wants the GOP primaries to drag on and on in the hope that a "true conservative" might topple the mighty Mitt. Her suggestion to the Florida GOP: "Annoy a liberal, vote Newt."

And there you have it -- two of the right wing's leading lights come out in favor of Gingrich. Having their endorsement really means a lot, you know, because Cain and Palin are super-influential, both of them having recently sought national office. I wonder why neither of them is on the ballot right now? Oh yeah, now I remember -- they're fucking crazy!!

(Side note to Sister Sarah and her wing-nut legions -- a vote for Newt is not annoying, it's deliciously self-defeating. So yes, please, tie yourself to the Tea Bag anchor and jump overboard. Vote Newt!)

The Tarnished Idea of "Leave It To The Markets" Capitalism

2012-01-26T19:47:00.000-08:00

(Excerpted in Time Magazine from Power Inc.: The Epic Rivalry Between Big Business and Government, and the Reckoning That Lies Ahead, by David Rothkopf.)
__________________________________________________________________________

"We have also lost sight of the philosophical ideas that historically gave national governments their authority. The current argument that larger government impinges on rather than protects or advances individual liberties is a far cry from the ideas that fueled England's Glorious Revolution and the American Revolution. It ignores the fact that the void created by smaller government is often not filled by liberty. When matters like the global environment or regulation of derivatives trading are left entirely to market forces, for instance, outcomes tend to serve the most powerful, because markets neither have a conscience nor do they ensure opportunity. Rather, they seek efficiency, and efficiency loves scale, and enterprises that grow to scale become elephants stamping out opportunities around them."

From Today's Headlines . . . ?

2012-01-26T18:37:00.000-08:00

There is a loosely-defined but popular group in our country. They talk a lot about patriotism and "taking our country back", but mostly they deal in hate speech, bigotry, intolerance and, sometimes, violence. They have a special antipathy for black people, foreigners, Jews and Catholics.

Somewhere in middle America there is an ambitious man who heads up this nasty outfit in his state. His bright idea is to re-package and re-position this organization as a religious and political advocate for conservative Christian Republicans. Naturally, he himself will lead the effort.

He is successful beyond his wildest dreams. Almost half a million citizens of his state -- one third of the white males -- join his family values group. He gets most of the Republican politicians in his state to sign a pledge -- his group will support them if they, in turn, will support his group.

His organization and the pledge-signing Republicans enjoy near-absolute control of that state's politics for years. Though he never runs for office, he boasts, "In my state, I am the law."

Sound familiar? Remind you of present-day people and situations?

It should, but it isn't current events. The man described is one D.C. Stephenson. The state was Indiana. The era was the early 1920's. The organization was the Ku Klux Klan, and Stephenson was the KKK's Grand Dragon.

Food for thought, isn't it? The more things change . . .

By the way, Stephenson was convicted of murder and spent much of his adult life in prison.

Tim Thomas, Douchebag Deluxe

2012-01-24T10:38:00.000-08:00

Do you recognize the guy pictured here? Unless you're a real hockey nut, you probably don't. It's Tim Thomas, goalie for the Boston Bruins. The Bruins won the Stanley Cup and like all championship teams, they get an invitation to come to the White House. This is a decades-old tradition, and a pretty nice one. You go to D.C. and have a photo-op meet-and-greet with the President. You give him a jersey, shake his hand, have a special memory to last you the rest of your life, and some pretty cool pix to pass on to the kids.

Yesterday was the Bruins turn to visit the White House and they all showed up except one -- Tim Thomas. Seems that Mr. Thomas is a far-right conservative who boycotted the event in protest. Protest of what, I don't know (probably in protest of a black man as president), but here is part of his statement:

"The federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision." (His caps, not mine.)

That's just friggin' fantastic, Puck-face! Way to take a nice team moment and make it all about you and your stupid non-team, non-sports personal beliefs.

What's in a name? Suddenly, I'm suspicious of athletes named Tim. We have the faith-healing minister under center in Denver, and the Tea Party wingnut in the net in Boston. I hope I get over my Tim-phobia soon.

Gotta Cover My Ass

2012-01-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: This article, including any and all images, is for the sole use of the author and may contain confidential and/or over-privileged information, pertaining to writing/reporting conducted under the supervision and influence of the author and/or Boodle’s British Gin, is the property of the author and his late mother, and is otherwise protected from disclosure. This article does not represent in any way the policies, positions or opinions of blogger.com, myself, my homeowners association, my wife, my sister, my friends, my neighbors, my lawyer or my dog. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. Ever. For external use only. For a limited time only. Unauthorized review, tweeting, blogging, re-blogging, tumblring, liking, redistributing, of any such information contained within this article and/or its image(s) for profit and without written permission is strictly prohibited. Violators will be executed. This article is void where prohibited. Sentences are limited while words last. Author is not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. I claim no responsibility if sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, excessive nose hair, crying spells, slurred speech, or the condition known as hotdog fingers develops. If this story begins to smoke, step away immediately. That is not normal. You are on fire. Read only with proper ventilation. Do not operate a motor vehicle or heavy machinery after reading. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool, dry place. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable. Keep away from pets and small children. Are you really still reading this? Thanks, dear. I love you. All rights reserved. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Please read at your own risk. Do not bend, fold, spindle or mutilate. Text is provided as-is without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. This is an equal opportunity story. Avoid contact with eyes and skin, and avoid inhaling fumes. Safety goggles may be required during use. Smoking this story could be hazardous to your health. This story is gluten-free. If ingested and the aroma of burnt cheese results, consult a physician. If you are still reading this story after four hours, consult a physician immediately. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. Freshest if read before expiration date. Contains a substantial amount of non-active ingredients. No animals were harmed during the making of this article. Except one and that was a terrible tragedy. R.I.P., Mr. Pickles. Colors may fade in time. All rights still reserved. Other restrictions may apply. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Terms and conditions are subject to change without notice.

(More or less stolen from Jennifer Daniel, NY Times, 1/22/12)

That Boston Sense Of Humor

2012-01-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

The highlight of yesterday's AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Ravens was the pre-game singing of The Star Spangled Banner by none other than Boston native Steven Tyler. An interesting choice. Tyler was in his finest painted nails, feather boa, raspy shrieking Aerosmith form. It had a certain Roseanne quality to it, minus the crotch-grab and the spitting.

Can the NFL top this for the Super Bowl? Let's try. Who could they get to sing the national anthem that would make an even more bizarre pick?

Newt Elected President Of South Carolina

2012-01-23T07:02:00.000-08:00

With an improbable come-from-behind rally, Newt Gingrich won Saturday's election in South Carolina. In his victory speech, Newt said that Rick Perry was right, that South Carolina was indeed at war against the federal government, and that he, Newt, saw it as his patriotic duty to lead the Palmetto State as it again seceded from the Union.

Gingrich said that, based on the election results, he was proclaiming himself President of the True Conservative Republic of South Carolina. In his first official act, he appointed Rick Perry as a four-star general and leader of the Army, Navy, and Air Forces of South Carolina. Newt said that Perry had already established his command center at Fort Sumter. Next, Gingrich announced that all Hispanics in the break-away state must leave immediately or face forced deportation. He said that all black citizens must carry a birth certificate, a driver's license, and a college degree with them at all times, or face similar consequences. He also said that in keeping with his "Paychecks, Not Food Stamps" campaign rhetoric, black South Carolinians would be entitled to five minutes of unemployment compensation, after which they must immediately begin washing cars at minimum wage.

He ended by announcing that his Vice President would be South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. Gingrich remarked that he and Haley would promptly commence a sexual relationship because he and current wife Callista had always wanted an open marriage. "Callista doesn't care," said Gingrich, "and besides, she's an android. I mean, just look at her."

Cojones? Hell, Yes! And He Can Sing Too.

2012-01-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

This is good! At a fundraiser at Harlem's Apollo Theater, President Barack Obama shared a little classic 70's soul, a capella style:

Pretty nice pipes, Cuz! Rock on.

Driver's Ed, Remedial Course

2012-01-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

[Pictured at left is what did not happen.]
_________________________________________________________________________

An amazing and true personal story:

Yesterday, my wife's car was in the shop overnight. She had some calls to make, so she drove her old car, a.k.a. our son's car. Coming home, it began to snow and she decided to park the old ride in our garage to keep it semi-clean. (Normally this car sits out, and her regular car goes in the garage.)

She pulled into our driveway and pressed the garage door opener button in the car. Nothing happened. The opener's battery was dead. On that side of our two-door garage, we don't have an exterior keypad. So, with the engine running, she got out of the car, came in the house, opened the inside door to the garage and pressed the opener button on the garage wall.

As the garage door began to rise, she noticed, to her horror, that the car was slowly moving into the garage -- all by itself! When she got out of the car, she didn't put it in park! And the driver's door was open, soon to hit the center post!!

There was no time to safely re-enter the moving car, but she managed to quickly close the car door. And then, there was nothing to do but stand back and watch the inevitable impending wreckage.

Except there was no wreck. Somehow, the damn thing rolled straight into the garage at idle speed without touching anything on either side, and stopped when the front bumper made contact with the back wall of the garage. There was absolutely no damage to vehicle or building. None. Which is the amazing thing -- I doubt you could duplicate it in a hundred tries. It's best not to try.

Remedial Driver's Ed: When you get out of the car, remember -- P is for park. Use it!

What $6 Million Will Buy

2012-01-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

What it will buy is a heavy rotation anti-Obama attack ad, accusing him of unethical behavior in the Solyndra affair (or, if you're a Tea-Bagger, the Solyndra "scandal"). You've probably seen the ad.

Begun in 2005, Solyndra made commercial solar panels. In 2007 it applied for a Dept. of Energy loan, available to certain qualifying companies. In 2009 the new Obama administration, anxious to spotlight a model of government investment in green technology, gave Solyndra a $535 million construction loan, even though some in the DOE cautioned against it. The company built its plant, but by August 2011, Solyndra went bankrupt, shut down, and laid off its workers. Soon after, the FBI released some company emails where officials essentially acknowledge that their business has failed, and they are just rearranging the Titanic's deck chairs.

The supposed ethics issue is that Solyndra's largest shareholder is George Kaiser, of the Kaiser Family Foundation. He was also a big contributor to Obama's 2008 campaign. Did Kaiser's donation grease the skids for obtaining the DOE loan? Maybe. But Solyndra's second-largest shareholder is the Walton Family Trust, who are major contributors to Republican candidates and causes. The company's big backers were spreading their wealth around evenly.

Bottom line: Hold on to your socks, people, because -- OMG! -- politics played a role in the decision to lend money to Solyndra. Big surprise, huh? Government investment in certain industries is long-standing practice, and not a bad one. In the case of Solyndra, they bet on the wrong horse. It's happened before. We'll get some of our money back in the liquidation process.

And the best the Rightards can come up with is their impersonation of Police Captain Louis Renault in Casablanca: They are shocked -- shocked! -- to find this sort of thing happening in Washington D.C.!

The ad closes with a moralistic harrumph: "President Obama -- American workers aren't pawns in your political games." And then we can read, quickly, that this one-minute manipulation was brought to us by Americans For Prosperity, the Koch brothers front group. The Koch brothers are multi-billionaire oil magnates and financial supporters of Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker and Ohio Gov. John Kasich.

What bullshit then for AFP to profess concern about "workers". AFP is, in fact, strongly opposed to labor unions, workers rights, environmental protections, cap and trade legislation, healthcare reform, stimulus spending, and Democrats in general.

Their attack ad boils down to selfish pissing and moaning because the government invested in somebody else's energy industry, not theirs. Waaah!

Who has the ethical problem?

What Would Warren Do?

2012-01-18T20:10:00.000-08:00

(From the January 23, 2012 issue of Time magazine.)

The words and wisdom of Warren Buffett:

DON'T LOWER CORPORATE TAXES
"The idea that American business is at a big disadvantage against the rest of the world because of high corporate taxes is baloney."

LEVY HIGHER TAXES ON THE RICH
Buffett would like to see people who earn their money from investing pay more than those who earn it through labor.

NO FOREIGN-PROFIT REPATRIATION
Allowing companies to repatriate profits tax-free from overseas creates moral hazard.

CURB SPECULATIVE GAIN
The idea that you can hold a stock for 10 seconds and have 60% of your gains taxed as "long term" is nuts, according to Buffett.

GET TOUGH ON DIRECTORS
They should forfeit five years' pay if their firms have to be bailed out; CEOs and their spouses should be on the hook for their personal net worth.

GET RID OF PRIVATE SCHOOLS
He says (only half-jokingly) if there were fewer of them, more rich rich families would invest in public K-12 education.

REFORM HEALTHCARE
It's "a tapeworm in America", one that cuts competitiveness far more than taxes do.

Mr. Buffett, you sir, are a righteous dude!

Obama's Cojones -- Part II

2012-01-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

My cousin Barry's pair grows larger!

Today, President Obama said no to the Keystone XL project, a Rube Goldberg concept straight from the energy industry fantasy wish-list -- a tar sands mine/processing facility in Alberta, Canada with a 1700-mile intercontinental above-ground pipeline bisecting the Ogalalla Aquifer and terminating in two refineries in Texas.

Good job, Cousin Barry! Keystone is the usual conservative hostage-taking hogwash, and we cannot succumb to this sort of "jobs at any cost" blackmail. If that's the only thing that counts, why don't we all rob banks for a living?

The petrochemical industry is in decline, and is thrashing about wildly in its death throes. It's the past, not the future. Better we should invest in emerging energy technologies than this old smokestack shit. There may yet be some net benefit in tar sands, fracking, and drilling in the Arctic, but we must slow down, study it carefully with with our best science, and ignore the industry propaganda until we know more. (The American Petroleum Institute swears it's all "safe and responsible", and if we do everything their way it means "one million new jobs." A million? Methinks they doth hyperbolize a touch-eth.)

There will be hell to pay for Obama, starting now. This will be a prime-time battle until November. The GOP will turn this into a contrived "Sophie's Choice": Jobs or tree-hugging -- either/or, no in between. Already, we have Romney: "Obama is just pandering to his political base." (Maybe. You're not?) And Boehner: "The president has chosen the environment over the economy." (That's not the true choice, but if it was, what's the point of an economy if we're all poisoned?) And Gingrich: "It's stupid." (No, you are! And I said it first, so there!)

Do you really trust oil/gas/coal companies to have your best interests in mind? Has industry ever really self-regulated in any meaningful way? Just one illustration: Cleveland, 1969, the Cuyahoga River in flames.

Did the river catch on fire because of big government and too damn many safety regulations? Did it ignite because of the EPA and the Clean Air Act?

Quite the opposite. This whole Keystone thing will be a bitch, but I believe Obama occupies the high ground and can make it work to his advantage.

Obama's First 2012 Campaign Ad

2012-01-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

RuPaul, Ron Paul -- Know The Difference

2012-01-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

Hey, boys and girls! Try this quick and fun pop culture quiz! Identify the two people pictured here. Take your time and look closely before you answer.

A. Wig-wearing apolitical black drag queen with absolutely fabulous make-up.
WRITE YOUR ANSWER HERE_____________________

B. Wigged-out old white semi-racist libertarian who thinks he should be president. Not making this up.
WRITE YOUR ANSWER HERE____________________

Oh, boys and girls, you are too clever for Buster! You're right, it's A. RuPaul and B. Ron Paul. You're so smrt!

Euro-Phobia? Oui!

2012-01-17T13:37:00.000-08:00

Here in the good ol' USA, the bottom line of our so-called American "heritage" is that we're all immigrants -- almost all of us are descended from non-native Americans, with the vast majority having European background.

Nevertheless, trashing Europe is the latest thing in GOP presidential politics. According to the campaigning R's, all of Europe is amoral, lazy, bankrupt, Marxist, and an abject failure. Anything European is to be avoided and feared.

Mitt Romney sounds the alarm: "President Obama wants us to turn into a European-style welfare state. This would poison the very spirit of America."

Rick Santorum says, "Obama is trying to impose some sort of European Socialism on the United States."

Newt Gingrich has an anti-Romney attack ad which shows a snippet of Romney speaking a bit of French. The apocalyptic voice-over tells us, "Just like John Kerry, he speaks French!"

Mon Dieu! C'est horrible, oui?

Non! How about we permanently deport these Rightards to Switzerland? Newt would look cute in lederhosen.

Today's NFL Is A Passing League

2012-01-15T09:35:00.000-08:00

This is not your grandfather's NFL -- today, quarterbacks rule. From yesterday's playoff games, a few numbers for your consideration:

Drew Brees, 40 of 63, 462 yards, 4 TD's.
Alex Smith, 24 0f 42, 299 yards, 3 TD's.
Tom Brady, 26 of 34, 363 yards, 6 TD's.
Tim Tebow, 9 of 26, 136 yards, 0 TD's.

(Just one last little poke to conclude my season of Tebow-bashing!)

Unintentional Humorists At The Dispatch

2012-01-15T08:52:00.000-08:00

(My email to Darrell Rowland and Jack Torry, Columbus Dispatch reporters who wrote a January 15th article about how primary candidates pander to their political bases.)

_____________________________________________________________________________________

FROM: Bustergammons.blogspot.com
TO: drowland@dispatch.com, jtorry@dispatch.com
RE: "Primary Extremism Can Sting Later" article

Gentlemen,

Had to chuckle at one sentence in your piece today where you mention a certain Republican spin/position and write that it "has drawn support from sources as varied as the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and Rush Limbaugh."

Varied? That's a good one! The Chamber and Limbaugh are about as far from "varied" as you can get. They are peas in the hard-right pod.

Keep up your good work in political satire.

The Implied Warranty Of Sports

2012-01-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

In our world, lots of things come with implied warranties of intended use and purpose, which are essentially simple, common-sense expectations of consumer products and services, e.g. a hair dryer will dry hair, a lawn mower will cut grass, etc.

You could apply the same concept to the field of entertainment. As consumers, we have a reasonable expectation that a dancer will dance, a guitarist will play guitar, and basketball player will play some hoops.

An article in today's Dispatch discussed the polarizing effect of Tim Tebow and his very public displays of religious "faith". A sportswriter who knows Tebow said this:

"He uses this stage to espouse his faith in the hopes he can impact others. This is his ministry."

His ministry? This pisses me off and always has. This is where Timmy voids the implied warranty of being an NFL football player. When he and other Christian soldiers like him morph into "ministers", it's a hijacking of our intended use and purpose. When I tune into the NFL, whether it's pre-game, post-game, or mid-game, I expect football. I do not expect or want a seminar on real estate, a time-share tour, or a prayer meeting.

Buster would venture to say that the single most famous, most influential American athlete of all time is Babe Ruth. Still to this day, just about everybody knows a little something about the Bambino -- baseball player, New York Yankee, big home-run hitter, beer drinker, hotdog eater, etc. Was Babe Ruth a man of "faith"? Was he religious? We don't know, and he didn't say. And that's the way it should be. Tebow could take a lesson

Romney To America: "You're Just Jealous. Now Go To Your Room And Be Quiet!"

2012-01-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

Mitt Romney says that President Obama uses "the politics of envy" and is "encouraging the idea of dividing America based on the 99% versus the 1%, and those people who have been most successful will be in the one percent. It's fine to talk about those things in quiet rooms. But the president has made it part of his campaign. Everywhere he goes we hear him talking about millionaires and billionaires and executives and Wall Street. It's a very envy-oriented, attack-oriented approach."

It's not envy. What you have, Mitt, I do not want. And I'm not a dreamy idealist -- I don't expect a world with perfect equality. But I don't see how it's divisive to want an economy, a society, that works a little better for the masses, not just the super-wealthy few.

Apparently, this thought offends the billionaires. I'm sorry. I'll go to my quiet room and shut up.

Mitt's Business Background

2012-01-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

For years, Mitt Romney ran Bain Capital, one of the largest private equity companies in the world. The Glove says this makes him a successful "businessman", and we need a businessman in the White House to improve the economy, reduce unemployment, and make everything hunky-dory.

Maybe he's right. As President, we've had generals, farmers, engineers, academics, actors, and a lot of lawyers. I'm not sure, but I don't know that we've ever had a businessman. We probably have, I just don't know who.

Certainly, there's nothing at all wrong with a background in business, but neither is it a guarantee of a great president. As always, it's best to examine the person and the track record, case by case.

So, what exactly is a "private equity firm"? A private equity firm provides working capital to a target company, in exchange for management fees and portions of future income/profits. The bottom-line purpose is to reposition the target company in such a way as to turn a profit for the equity company and its investors, not the target company. The target company is merely a vehicle, a means to an end. The equity firm has identified the target as an "opportunity". Maybe that means the equity firm helps the target expand or develop new products. Maybe it means restructuring, outsourcing, layoffs and closures. Either way, the equity firm comes out OK, and the success or failure of the target company is completely beside the point. Win some, lose some. Nothing personal, just business. Next!

Private equity firms sometimes go by other names, like venture capitalist, vulture capitalist, and corporate raider.

We all have to earn a living one way or another, and a lot of us are in business. But Mitt and the Bain Capital "businessmen" operated in some rarefied air, making money with other people's businesses and, sometimes, from other people's misfortunes. This approach has a lot more in common with Wall Street's mortgage-backed CDO shenanigans than it does with the average American business person simply trying to offer a product or service to meet a need.

Do we really need a Romney-style businessman as President? None of us would want to see, say, Lloyd Blankfein in the White House. Is The Glove that much different?

She Was Carded At The IHOP

2012-01-12T19:40:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, the lovely Mrs. Gammons was out and about making business calls and stopped for lunch at a local International House of Pancakes. (International? Is there really an IHOP in Paris? Bangkok?) Feeling herself to be both cheap and only semi-hungry, she ordered a less-expensive and smaller omelet from the Senior's Menu (age 55 and up).

In a pleasant little surprise, the waitress did not believe that the astonishingly youthful Missus in fact qualified for the skin-flint chiseler Senior discount omelet. The Missus offered to produce her newly-issued pink-background Ohio drivers license. (I thought He-Man Kasich was gonna get rid of those sissy things.) The skeptical waitress suggested that she do just that. So she did.

And that's how you get carded at the IHOP. "Don't you dare order from our blue-hair cheapskate old fart menu unless you can prove you're a genuine cheapskate old fart!"

When I was 19 we still had paper drivers licenses with no photo. I managed to procure a blank one and instantly turned 21. Beers are on me!

These days, the IHOP waitresses are worried you might use a fake ID to turn younger and score yourself some senior-priced pancakes!

Mystery Solved -- No Hackers, Just Pilot Error

2012-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

Whenever I add some new posts, I usually send an email to those on the Buster's Blog list, and include in it a link to the site. But the link in my last email was a little different. When you clicked it, you were redirected to "The Mega-Site For Biblical Studies". Seriously. And given the nature of this blog, sending would-be readers to a religious website is both cute and ironic.

At first, I thought I'd somehow been hacked by God-Squaders with a sense of humor, or maybe by disciples of St. Timothy the Virgin. Nope. I hacked myself with my own fat fingers. The correct link is to "blogspot.com". Evidently, I managed to drop the "s" and so had it as "blogpot". And just like that, you're off to the Biblical Mega-Site.

Strange, huh? Blogpot. Do Christian fundamentalists have something against the letter S? Wait, I think I hear the Church Lady:

"Whose name begins with a big letter S? Could it be . . . Satan??

Bill Moyers Nails It

2012-01-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

On last night's Colbert Report, Bill Moyers had a great line. He said:

"I'll believe that corporations are people when Texas executes one."

Ohio HB 194: "Heartbeat" Again?

2012-01-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

Ohio House Bill 194 is the "Heartbeat Bill", sponsored by Rep. Lynn Wachtmann (male, R, Napoleon). Like so much GOP legislation, it would provide an ideological "fix" to a non-existant problem. HB 194 would prohibit abortion if a fetal heartbeat is detected. Such a stipulation would effectively ban all abortions and give Ohio the most restrictive anti-abortion law in America. It passed the Ohio House last summer, but was never taken up in the state Senate. (Cooler heads, maybe?)

But now the bill's supporters are again pushing hard for hearings and a Senate vote. If passed by the Senate and signed by Kay-suck, it would almost surely be struck down on constitutional grounds, given that Roe v. Wade is still the law of the land. But with or without Roe, the Heartbeat Bill is an extremist piece of crap that would make a purely awful law.

(It should be noted that since the topic is abortion, and I am of the male gender, my opinions are strictly that of a second-class citizen. Nevertheless, here goes.)

No one is literally "pro"-abortion. No one is "for" it, nobody promotes it, and women do not use it as after-the-fact contraception. It has nothing to do with morality. But history teaches that abortion has always occured and will always occur, at least to some small degree. Attempts to legislate it out of existence are cruel, dangerous, expensive, and ultimately futile. Whatever the circumstances, a strongly motivated woman will not be deterred by some stupid law. The law may force her to another city, state, or country. Her procedure may be legal or illegal, done by a doctor or not. She may willingly accept risks to her health or to her life. She may even take her own life. But any attempt to legally force a woman to give birth to a baby she really, truly does not want is sheer folly. And if she does in fact give birth, it's an unwanted child. Not good. It's true enough -- it's her body, her choice. So we simply must keep abortion as a safe and legal option. We must.

Specifically regarding HB 194, I must take exception to the proposition that human life begins at the instant of conception. It does not. Nor does it begin at the first (amplified) audible heartbeat. Those conditions do not represent actual life, but potential life. They are not sustainable, at that point, outside the womb.

Let's say you go into your kitchen, get all the necessary ingredients to make a cake, mix 'em all up and pour it into cake pan. That's the moment of cake conception, but is it an actual cake? No, it's just a puddle of wet flour -- a potential cake. Only when you put it in the oven and bake it at the proper temperature for the proper duration will you produce a real cake.

At the earliest stages of gestation, we're protoplasm, not teddy bears.

Big picture, contemplating an abortion is the most personal, private decision imaginable. It should be, and it's sure as hell none of Lynn Fucking Wachtmann's business. Some folks see it one way, some the other, and both will act accordingly. It's OK. We have room for both.

Can We Get A Fracking Moratorium, Please?

2012-01-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

How in the hell did hydraulic fracturing ever come to be regarded as sensible? Other than oil and gas companies, who ever said fracking was a good idea?

Consider the process. A mixture of sand, water and god-knows-how-many toxic chemicals is injected under pressure into the bedrock, making the rock fracture and give up any trapped oil/gas. (And if there isn't any oil/gas, oh well, next hole!) Afterward, the injection fluid (known by the industry euphemism "brine") is pumped out and "safely" stored in underground tanks, or pumped miles down into the earth and stored in the "porous rock" at a different site. Forever. (Porous rock?) In the case of Pennsylvania, they send some of their chemical soup over to us here in Ohio. Goody!

Consider the results. Yes, oil and gas are often recovered, which makes money for the oil companies, which is their purpose. But it doesn't do much for you and me. The fracking techniques fuck with Mother Nature in a big way. The bedrock is broken and unstable, and it will not mend. Northeast Ohio recently endured eleven earthquakes. In Ohio. (This area is not exactly "The Ring Of Fire" -- the quakes were fracking-related.) The brine cannot be stored safely. Tanks break and leak. The fluid leaches into the water table, into streams and rivers, and into the supply of public water. Fish, livestock and crops die. Tap water is stinky, undrinkable and, in some cases, flammable.

All of this seems, oh, I don't know -- crazy!! If this is the price we pay to add a relatively few jobs, then the price is too high. If this is what we must do to temporarily save a nickel at the gas pump, then let's stop doing it, and let's stop it now! Let's hit "pause", at least until we know much more about the long-term impact of fracking.

GOP Primaries

2012-01-10T12:44:00.000-08:00

The early primaries don't mean much, but it's still good sport to watch all the Republican candidates cannibalize themselves. Pawlenty, Cain and Bachmann have already been devoured. Maybe they'll gobble up one or two more tonight in New Hampshire.

Let's go all snarky on those who remain:

Mitt Romney -- The Glove is stiff, awkward and plastic. (Try to imagine him telling a joke.) He's tone-deaf. ("I love being able to fire people." A little out of context, I know. So, how about "Corporations are people too.") He's a bad BS'er. ("There were times when I was worried about getting the pink slip." Sure you were, Mitt.) The Glove is just another rich kid trying to buy the Presidency. He's also the probable nominee.

Newt Gingrich -- Just too much nutty Newtiness. He can't help it -- it's his nature.

Rick Santorum -- He's at his best when it comes to ultra-religious social conservative dumbfuckery. Rick spends way too much time worried about sex: Who's doing it? How are they doing it? Is it opposite sex or same sex? How many are involved? Any farm animals? Are the farm animals married?

Ron Paul -- His limited-military, anti-war positions are OK. But the rest of it? No way. Libertarianism can seem good in principle, but as public policy it would be awful in practice.

Rick Perry -- Get real. We already had one Texas dumbass, and it was quite enough, thank you very much.

Jon Huntsman -- A semi-reasonable Mormon who was in the Obama administration as Ambassador to China. No wonder he often sounds like a Democrat. He's probably the best of the bunch, with probably very little chance.

Obama Does Too Have Cojones!

2012-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

Proving that he does in fact possess a set of at least medium ones, President Obama appointed Richard Cordray as Director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. It was a so-called "recess appointment" --the president has the authority to make certain appointments while the Senate is not in session, and such appointments are not subject to an immediate confirmation process. The appointed individual takes office immediately, and Cordray did.

Many Senate Republicans howled in protest: "We were in session! We were not adjourned!" They were referring to a bit of procedural baloney know as the "pro-forma session", where everyone has left town except for one flunky Senator who shows up every day to gavel an empty chamber into open session . . . of nothing-ness. "We're in session, but nobody's here. Hah!"

Both sides have pulled this pro-forma trick, but it's utter horseshit, and it really needs to stop. The Cordray appointment may be the thing that finally stops it. The R's scream "Unconstitutional!" and threaten to sue. Frankly, Obama would welcome such a fight.

The GOP is rigidly opposed to the CFPB itself, and had promised to prevent the confirmation of any director until the agency was changed and weakened to their liking. So then, what's a president supposed to do? Faced with such intransigent obstructionism, Obama did what he had to do, the only thing he could do. And he did the right thing.

Here's what's kind of bizarre about the R's position on this: Everyone agrees that the Crash of 2008 and subsequent Great Recession was the result of the Republicans' pet policies of deregulation and laissez faire oversight. But instead of humbly acquiescing to the rather modest watchdog powers of the CPFB, they go all in for even less oversight. Incredible! According to them, the best way to prevent a recurrence of greedy, stupid Wall Street schemes is to let the financial industry self-regulate to an even greater extent. "Just get Big Government out of our hair and we'll make everything wonderful in a jiffy."

They watch the boats sail away and disappear over the horizon, and conclude that the earth must be flat.

Barry Larkin Is In

2012-01-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

Former Cincinnati Reds shortstop Barry Larkin was elected yesterday to baseball's Hall of Fame. He's certainly deserving of the honor -- World Series Champ, MVP, Gold Glover, good hitter, and Cincinnati native who spent his entire career with his hometown team. And by all accounts, he's a genuinely good guy, too. So, congrats to Barry Larkin!

Mean old SOB pitcher Jack Morris finished second, with not quite enough votes to get in this year. But he was a good one for the Tigers, Twins and Blue Jays, and really ought to get in one of these years.

Way back in the pack, with still nowhere near enough support to come close to election, was former HR king Mark McGwire. The taint of steroids is hard to shake, and it's sticking to him and a bunch of others. An entire generation of juiced-up players may be effectively "banned" from the Hall.

Saint Timothy

2012-01-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, another angel flew out of the ass of Saint Timothy The Virgin* as the Broncos pulled out an O.T. win over the old and beat-up Steelers. Oh yippee.

At the post-game news conference, here's what Tebow said as he stepped up to the microphones: "First thing, thanks go to God." C'mon, Timmy, let's get over that shit. You are not standing on that podium because you're such a famous and public Christian, you're there because you're a fucking football player. Go to church on your own time.

Suppose there was an NFL quarterback who was a very publicly preachy Muslim, and after a big win, suppose he addressed the media like so: "First of all, Allah Aqbar! Praise be to Allah!"

Or better still, how about an atheist quarterback who might say, "First off, I'd like to thank my teammates and coaches for a great win today, and I'd like to remind everyone that God had absolutely nothing to do with it."

Nobody wants to hear that sort of stuff on ESPN. If I want religion, there are other channels. You're a jock, so be a jock. Shut up, play ball, and keep your personal beliefs to yourself.

And, Go Patriots!!

(* I stole "Saint Timothy The Virgin" from a faithful reader. Thank you, faithful reader.)

The Fabulous BCS National Championship Rematch Game

2012-01-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

Did you watch last night's National Championship game between Alabama and LSU? If you missed it, you didn't miss much. Basically, the game sucked. Two good defenses, true, but also a pair of Neanderthal offenses. Alabama could manage some field goals. LSU couldn't manage a damn thing. And these were the two best teams in the land?

While I'm at it, the whole BCS bowl system sucks! Division I NCAA football is the one and only sport, at any level, that does not have a playoff. And that is just preposterous. Playoffs, please. Now!

The NCAA sucks too! Big-time college football and basketball generate mega-bucks for everyone involved, except the players themselves, who are pure amateur student-athletes. And if such an amateur should trade a trinket for tattoo, well, there goes your purity, and we just can't have that, and the NCAA will protect us all with penalties and sanctions. What bullshit! Let's drop the charade and pay the players in the big-money sports. Then let's disband the NCAA and start over.

And one more thing -- Brent Musberger sucks worse than ever! He's become the Dick Vitale of college football.

What Fantasy Baseball Taught Me About Presidential Elections

2012-01-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

The Iowa Republican caucuses will be January 3rd. It'll be the first "official" step in the 2012 national election. Ooh, ah! The national media are swarming in Iowa, breathlessly reporting the latest polls and surveys. They'd have us believe this caucus is something, like, significant.

It's not. And the soon-to-follow New Hampshire primary won't be, either. A couple of small-population states yielding non-representative results (especially that weird caucus thing). Maybe they "pick a winner", maybe they don't. One way or the other, it's not particularly predictive.

It reminds me of my years playing fantasy baseball and the annual drafting of players. That experience taught me to (1.) not get too excited about the reigning champion (although many analysts will pick the World Series winner to do it again), and (2.) try to ignore spring training (despite all the media hype about the pre-season exploits of the latest, greatest phenom). The previous winner has no guarantee of repeating, and six weeks of exhibition play is not like six months of the real thing.

In this election analogy, the incumbent, Barack Obama, is the St. Louis Cardinals, and the Republican primaries are spring training.

One important difference is this: To repeat as World Series champs, the Cards must beat the 14 other National League teams, then beat the American League winner. To be reelected President, all Obama has to do is defeat a single Republican Rightard. Probably Romney.

Can do? Can do!

Buster's 2011 In Twelve Sentences

2011-12-31T11:01:00.000-08:00

A twisted distillation of the year that was, in twelve easy pieces. Happy New Year to all!_____________________________________________________________________________________

Let's start by making John Kasich's property support itself by drilling a bunch of wells in his backyard! (Oil Wells In State Parks? -- January 18th)

Out of nowhere, John-Boy asked, "Have you ever been stopped by a policeman who's an idiot?" (Kasich Gets Speeding Ticket: Cited For Running His Mouth Too Fast -- February 17th)

Buster does not condone violent intimidation, but I can't help wishing that the moment those pissed-off Teamsters started hollering, Niehaus and Bacon started squirting wet farts into their BVD's. (SB 5 Passes By A Dirty Hair; Niehaus & Bacon May Need A Change Of Shorts -- March 4th,)

A spokesman explained that "The Senator's statement was not intended to be factual." (The Best Excuse Ever! -- April 16th)

Nevertheless, our Bad King John, with a straight face and no apparent sense of irony, has declared this to be "Public Service Appreciation Week". (Kasich Issues Irony-Free Proclamation Re Public Workers! -- May 5th)

The real problem, of course, was that Tressel knew about all of it but pretended he didn't. ("O" No! Part III -- End Of An Era. Can We End The NCAA Too? -- June 15th)

If the question is why are Congressional Republicans acting like complete assholes over a mundane bit of governmental housekeeping, the answer is because Grover Norquist has 'em by the short hairs. ("I Pledge Allegiance To Grover Norquist" -- July 18th)

So am I saying that the big-money R's would stage-manage a faux crisis over a non-issue and enlist sluts like Standard & Poor's to do their down-grade bidding and intentionally trash the economy in a bald-faced attempt to unseat a black Democrat President and install a friendly, white, look-the-other-way Republican in the Oval Office? (Standard & Poor's Can Eat My Shorts! -- August 7th)

The R's are ready to defend their class, ready to do battle on behalf of those oppressed, long-suffering millionaires and billionaires. (Class Warfare? -- September 20th)

These are not unreasonable things to be pissed off about, and if nothing else, it frightens the right people: Romney, Cain, Perry and Bachmann all made disparaging remarks. (The "Occupy" Movement -- October 24th)

Governor Katshit's Issue 2 has been defeated, Senate Bill 5 is now repealed, and to help maintain the momentum, Buster offers some lyrical inspiration, set to the old My Fair Lady tune "Just You Wait, Henry Higgins": (Just You Wait, Johnny Kasich! -- November 8th)

For the first 50 minutes of the game, Tebow looks like shit, but then Popeye finds his spinach and for the last 10 minutes, he can do no wrong. (God's Quarterback? -- December 13th)

Good Ol' Southern Chicken-Fried Brain

2011-12-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

I heard a piece on the radio the other day which illustrated the fact that, in America, we are increasingly becoming two separate countries -- two distinctly opposed groups, both of whom can look at the same set of facts and circumstances and yet draw completely different conclusions.

The piece was about the lingering unemployment problem. In this instance, the focus was South Carolina, which has lost 78,000 jobs from its peak in 2007. Most of this loss was in home construction jobs. A custom-home builder from York County, SC was interviewed. York County is just across the state line from Charlotte and in recent years enjoyed tremendous growth. Now it deals with persistent 12% unemployment, among the highest in the state.

The custom-home builder noted that he had ten employees in 2008, and now he has just one -- his wife. And at the moment, he is building zero homes.

I seem to recall the housing bubble of the Bush years with its ever-escalating home values, driven mainly by a bizarre financial instrument called the collateralerized debt obligation, a collection of shitty fraudulently represented mortgages that was oversold and underinsured, such instrument made possible by deregulation and lax oversight, and fueled by Wall Street greed, predatory lending, and the prostitution of Moody's and Standard & Poor's. And I seem to recall that this all blew up in the fall of 2008, in the last month's of Dubya's reign, and I recall it as the largest economic collapse since 1929, costing us all bajillions in lost assets and leaving a blast radius we now call the Great Recession, the effects of which we all deal with to this day.

And yeah, if you're a custom-home builder, that's the sort of shit that'll really cramp your style.

The builder was asked who he blames for the downturn in his business. His answer? You already guessed it -- that's right, Barack Obama. Of course.

I think this douchebag just woke up and noticed -- yikes! -- there's a black man in the White House.

Cable Sucks!

2011-12-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I read that the average American cable TV subscriber is now paying $128 a month. In 2001, the average was $48, so the cost has almost tripled in 10 years. I also see that Time Warner cable and our local CBS affiliate are in an 11th hour stare-down over fees (Warner wants to cut its fee to the local) and the station may be pulled from Warner tonight. And a good old friend of many years went to Facebook to share his frustrations over service from his cable provider, Insight.

All of which leads me to say, Cable really sucks! Remember how the Great Cable TV Deregulation of the 1980's was going to lower costs, improve service, and increase competition? P.T. Barnum saw us coming on that one! The exact opposite has occurred.

It's a case study in free market unintended consequences. Certain cable programming is very popular. A good example is ESPN (and its offspring ESPN 2, 3, U, News, Classic, etc.) ESPN is on every cable system and in every bar and hotel in the land. And they charge a pretty penny to cable providers, and raise their rates to them regularly. The cable companies pass this on directly to us (plus a little extra) and justify it by adding more and more half-assed (and cheap) programming. "Prices are going up next month, but look -- you get 25 more channels! Isn't that wonderful?"

Bruce Springsteen once sang about "57 Channels And Nuthin' On". These days, it's more like 357 channels of nothing. It is way, way more than anyone could possibly watch, TiVo, or DVR.

I don't know whether this calls for re-regulation of the industry, but I do know that we subscribers need a cafeteria-style option in what we sign up for and pay for. Not everyone wants ESPN. If you don't want it, you should be able to drop ESPN and save yourself some money. As for me, I must have ESPN, but I do not give a flying fuck about Fox News, the Oprah Channel, or the Home Shopping Network. Why should I pay for them?

With today's technology, giving us a pick-and-choose programming menu would be a snap. But cable companies have nothing but lame excuses about why it can't be done. Obviously, their existing model is more profitable.

Maybe we need that re-regulation after all.

Passages (a la Buster)

2011-12-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

'Tis the time when media make lists of notables who died during the year. Many of these lists are quite long, and are filled with dignitaries who, in one way or another, helped make this world a better place.

I offer just two remembrances. Both passed recently. One good, one bad.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il, age 69.
Possessor of ridiculous hair, bug-eye specs, and semi-scary Junior Achievment nuclear warheads. ("Yes, Yankee dog, we got A-bomb! And we got crazy rockets -- go up, down, sideways, we never sure! How you rike us now?") Kim Jong Il was also an "incredible" athlete. State-run media reported that in his first attempt at bowling, he rolled a perfect game, and in his first round of golf, he had five holes-in-one.

The "Dear Leader" has been dead a couple weeks, and yesterday they finally got around to planting his carcass, as thousands of citizens looked on in sorrow. ("OK, comrades, at count of three, you may begin to mourn spontaneously. Ready? One, two, . . .)

Just like John Kennedy's, his grave will feature an "eternal flame". This will, all by itself, double the average nighttime illumination in all of North Korea.

Cheetah the Chimpanzee, age 80.
Acclaimed film star of the 1930's and 1940's. Cheetah saved Tarzan, Jane and Boy from countless jungle dangers, always pointing, jumping, and screeching his warning in the nick of time. He also added comic relief in the form of flipping, tumbling, banana theft and all-around horseplay.

Cheetah died yesterday. The under-appreciated actor had been quietly retired in California, and reportedly kept himself busy with finger-painting and flinging his own feces.

Cheetah lived longer than Kim Jong Il, and it's only fitting. He was the better person.

Another Reason Why I Love My Cousin Barry. And Michelle Too!

2011-12-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

Even with all today's technology and YouTube and TiVo and WiFi this and that and I don't know what all, the vast majority of my video consumption remains in three broad categories -- live sports, news and news-like stuff, and old movies.

In a minor exception to my general rule, tonight I watched "The Kennedy Center Honors", from the Performing Arts Center in NYC. Was well aware of these annual awards, but can't say I ever watched 'em before. One of tonight's honoree's was old jazzman sax player Sonny Rollins.

The Kennedy winners do not perform; they sit and let others do it in their honor. As a pair of righteous combos played their respects to the ancient Mr. Rollins, who could be seen in the box seats head-bobbin' and groovin' and gettin' right down in the rhythm? Our Prez and the First Woman. They were clearly into it. Just like me.

Can you seriously imagine Dubya and Laura catchin' a little jazz fever? Mitt Romney? Newt? Bachmann? Ron Paul bustin' a move??!! Santorum? -- he'd have to kill himself in the name family values.

Gimme Barack and Michelle any day. Every day.

"Make Mine Plain Cheese, Please"

2011-12-27T18:25:00.000-08:00

We have a new promotion from Papa John's Pizza here in big ol' C'Bus. Every Monday, Papa John's will give us a free pizza topping for every goal scored by the Columbus Blue Jackets in their most recent game. As the Blue Jackets are very likey the worst team in the entire NHL, I hope you Papa John's fan's like plain cheese pizza.

Thank You, Dear!

2011-12-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

The morning of December 18th, a Sunday, I stepped out onto my doorstep like I do every day to pick up my newspaper, the Columbus Dispatch. To my surprise, lying there beside the local rag was another Sunday paper, the New York Times. The Grey Lady. All The News That's Fit To Print. "Cool!" I thought to myself. "A delivery mistake, but it's mine now." And I quickly stepped back inside, hoping its rightful owner hadn't noticed me.

Per usual, I finished the few worthwhile parts of the Dispatch in about 10 minutes, then spent a couple hours perusing the Sunday Times, all the while enthusing to my wife about how great it was, compared to my shitty local. "The articles! The columns! And look -- the Times Sunday Crossword!" (At this point, I very well may have been drinking, but I was still pretty pumped up about a friggin' newspaper.)

Mrs. Gammons told me she was glad I liked it, or words to that effect. But her tone of voice was saying, "You are an easily amused, simple sumbitch, aren't you?" Well, yeah, maybe, but I'm gonna enjoy this happy mistake.

This Sunday, Christmas morning, there it was again -- another NY Times. How strange. Another mistake? Is the delivery guy blind? Illiterate? Maybe it's a promotion. Maybe it's . . .

No time to ponder because it was time to open our handful of presents. The wife handed me a small box and insisted I open it first. It would, she said, "explain something." So I opened it, unaware of anything requiring explanation. Inside the box was a printout of her gift to me -- of course! -- a subscription for home delivery of the Sunday Times. (You probably saw that coming. I did not.)

She had tried to arrange for delivery to begin -- surprise! -- on Christmas morning, but the first one came a week early. Not to worry. Buster is reliably oblivious to such clues, so it was still very much a surprise. A great newspaper, and a very thoughtful gift. Thank you, dear! I love you.

David Sedaris Reads "Six To Eight Black Men". Merry Christmas!

2011-12-27T10:39:00.000-08:00

[Sent by a faithful reader. Thank you, Faithful Reader!]

Buster may have been the only person in America who hadn't seen this already, so please forgive me if, for you, this is so thirty seconds ago. It may be from Sedaris' one-man show, Santa Diaries, which has been around for awhile. I don't now. In any event, it's excellent, and worth the time. Watch all three in order.

Bloated, Crassly Commercial, And All But Meaningless

2011-12-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

At this time of year, do these names mean anything to you -- Famous Idaho Potato, BBVA Compass, Fight Hunger, Pinstripe, TicketCity? No? How about these garden spots -- Shreveport, Albuquerque, Detroit, Birmingham, the Bronx? Still nothing?

They're the official names of some of college football's bowl games, and some of their fabulous locations. "Great season, guys! Now we're going to Detroit! Yee-ha!!"

This year, there are thirty-five (thirty-five!) bowl games, running from December 17th through January 9th, culminating in the supposed BCS National Championship Rematch game between LSU and Alabama.

Although I'm sure I'll watch a few of these contests, my interest will be half-hearted. The excessive number of games waters down the quality of the whole thing, almost all of them mean nothing, and it's much too obviously all about the money. If the organizers could figure out a way to get enough sucker sponsors, they'd have 100 fuckin' bowl games. Hell, 200. Who'd watch all those mediocre games? As long as the bowl checks didn't bounce, the colleges sure wouldn't care.

After all this time and all this contrived BCS/computer rankings/umpteen polls beauty pageant bullshit, are we not finally ready for a real playoff? I know I am, and there are ways to do it and make just as money for most of these schools, if not more.

In this glorious football post-season, I already have one regret. I totally missed last night's Beef O'Brady's Bowl. Damn! I understand Marshall defeated Florida International.

One question: Does anyone know who or what a "Beef O'Brady" is? No, wait, on second thought, I'd rather not know.

The One Percent Strikes Back

2011-12-21T19:29:00.000-08:00

see more Funny Captions

[from "The Balance Sheet", by The American Prospect, sent by a faithful reader. Thank you, Faithful Reader.]

THE ONE PERCENT STRIKES BACK

It's not a joke. In response to the Occupy Wall Street movement, a band of one-percenters -- including JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, who made $23 million in 2012; and John A. Allison IV, a director of BB&T Corp. -- has started a campaign to rescue rich CEOs' tattered image. Calling themselves the "Job Creators Alliance", the group plans media appearances, pens op-eds, and comes up with talking points to defend executives from the 99 percent who, at least in terms of wages, have seen little trickle down from Wall Street for the last two decades. Bernard Marcus, a founding member of the alliance, isn't worried about Occupiers being offended by his organization's mission. “Who gives a crap about some imbecile? Are you kidding me?” he told Businessweek. “If I hear a politician use the term ‘paying your fair share’ one more time, I’m going to vomit," chimed in billionaire Tom Golisano.

They've come parroting the standard defense: That they deserve the money they get and that they create jobs. Problem is, as Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, “Millionaire job-creators are like unicorns: they’re impossible to find, and they don't exist." Economists, in a rare instance of consensus, agree that there is little evidence to support the claim that a change in tax rates prompts a real response from the economy, as reported by Mother Jones. Other millionaires have even objected to this one-percenter denialism. Warren Buffett is a well-known advocate for higher taxes on the wealthy, and venture capitalist Nick Hanauer wrote in a Businessweek op-ed, "When businesspeople take credit for creating jobs, it is like squirrels taking credit for creating evolution."

Deck The Halls With DC Gridlock

2011-12-21T16:47:00.000-08:00

Pictured here are the two biggest assholes in the House of Representatives. After way too much drama, late last week the Senate overwhelmingly passed a two-month (two pissy little months!) extension of the temporary 2 point cut in Social Security withholding. Politically popular, fiscally silly. Popularity wins.

Anyway, douchebag Speaker John Boehner said he supported it, would vote for it, and so would the House, so let's all go home and chug some egg nog. Two months is kinda weenie, but what the hell, everyone lives to fight another day, and right now we have presents to wrap.

In the words of Coach Lee Corso, "Not so fast, my friend!"

Orange Man forgot to check with House Whip and de facto Top Cat Tea Bagger Eric Cantor. Eric's Band of Buttholes suddenly won't agree to the Senate bill, and without their agreement there is no two month extension, and again nothing will happen. Brilliant!

So Boner has lost control his wacko faction, and now he says the House R's want a one year extension, so as to "provide certainty to the nation's job-creators." Hilarious! Two days ago he said something completely different. They just want the opposite of whatever Obama wants. It's Groucho Marx singing Whatever It Is, I'm Against It.

Who are these "job creators"? Point one out to me. You believe they really give a shit about this? FICA of 6.2% vs. 4.2% means no hiring? The payroll tax cuts at issue are on the employee side, not the employer. And what about all the doctrinaire GOP squawking about deficit reduction? You're for cutting the deficit AND a lengthier (yet still temporary) cut in income? It's Mystery Math! And a load of 100% Grade-A bullshit!!

This really doesn't play well in Peoria. I mean, it's frickin' Christmas! Even Murdoch's Wall Street Journal panned Boehner and Cantor on this one. The Republicans have driven themselves down a blind dead-end alley, and they're stuck.

Who looks good by comparison? Obama and the Dems. Good!

God Took This Sunday Off . . .

2011-12-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

. . . and His quarterback was jacked, smacked, sacked and defeated. Yes, Tim Tebow and the Blessed Broncos were beaten by the Patriots, and beaten pretty badly. Apparently, the Lord was otherwise occupied.

I begrudge no one his or her sincere beliefs. To each his own. Most of us choose to keep such beliefs, or lack thereof, to ourselves. Public displays are unseemly and draw unwanted attention. Unless one actually wants the attention.

Tebow does. NFL Films had him miked for the Bears game, and 10-15 minutes of his witty repartee ran on ESPN. Maybe you saw it too. Some of it was standard jock-speak: "Good hit, man!" "Oh, it's a good day for football!" Etc., etc. But some of it was Timmy in the role his parents groomed him for -- God's Gridiron Emissary. He devoted a lot of time singing to himself: "My God is an awesome God!" And after big plays/scoring plays, he yelled: "Yes!! Thank you, God! Thank you!"

Long ago, as a kid on the playing fields, there were many asshole opponents, but we especially despised two types -- the look-at-me hot dog (think Pete Rose), and the goody-two-shoes constantly crossing himself, pointing to the sky, and kneeling in mid-game private prayer. That's our boy Tebow.

The Broncos will probably still make the playoffs, but all Buster can say is, Timmy better win, win big, and win for a long goddam time, or else his heathen teammates will quickly tire of his Holy Hi-Jinks. Not to mention the other team.

Newt, You're A Hoot

2011-12-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

The "Former Speaker" (resigned, disgraced) and nominal Republican front-runner may have a short run at the front. Romney's deep pockets (lined with $10 K wagering money) are buying a barrage of attack ads in Iowa, but the expense may be unnecessary. True to form, Gingrich may very well hang himself with his own rope, and soon.

In the last debate, the Newtster was on his best behavior -- he did not indulge his innate desire to display, at length, his intellectual superiority. He was instead strangely brief, gentle, and well-mannered. Neutered Newt?

But yesterday, trying to suck up to the hard right, Gingrich went on TV and complained about the "steady encroachment of secularism through the courts to redefine America as a nonreligious country and the encroachment of the courts on the president's commander-in-chief powers, which is enormously dangerous."

Newton, Newton, Newton! I thought you were a historian. We are in fact a secular country, founded as such, despite the blue-nose Mayflower Puritans. We respect all religions and permit their free practice, but America has no official religion. There's nothing in the Constitution that says we are this, that, or the other. That's "secular", pretty much by definition.

More historical, Constitutional definitions: Three branches of government. Legislative, judicial, executive. Separate and equal power. Checks and balances. Newt -- Mr. History! -- I learned all that shit in junior-high social studies. Where were you? And now you say that, as president, you'd flip off the Supreme Court and do whatever you please. You're a dangerous little fuck, aren't you?

Gingrich's handlers say that such pronouncements are always Newt's biggest "applause lines." Which proves only that his fans and supporters are idiots who clap their hands for no good reason.

And it's further evidence that Obama will win again in 2012. He always wins the "Reasonable Man" competition -- put Barack and all the various Republican contenders and pretenders together in the same room. Question, listen, observe, and report back to me.

Who's the most reasonable person in the room?

One Down, One To Go

2011-12-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

It's officially "End of Mission" in Iraq and we are outta there! Essentially. For the most part. In any event -- Good! Thank you, Cousin Barry! You kept your word, and we be gone.

Thus ends one of our more bizarre military misadventures, a false war against a false enemy on false pretenses.

We will always respect, honor and remember all those who served there, and will do the same for those whose country it is. For nine years, too many suffered and died. Ultimately, what was accomplished? Was it worth it?

History will be the judge, and probably a harsh one. While we're waiting for judgment, let's get the fuck out of Afghanistan too!

"An Amusing Vintage; Bold But Not Aggressive"

2011-12-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

The lovely Mrs. Gammons and your humble correspondent just whipped up and polished off a delicious dinner -- shrimp and scallops mornay with savory rice and a decent, affordable bottle of chardonnay. The wine label touted its contents as having tones of "light oak, soft citrus, and LINGERING PEAR." (Their screaming caps, not mine.)

The vinter was not screaming for nothing. It was very pear-y. And it did linger. As a matter of fact, it's lingering still and refuses to leave. I enjoyed the wine, but it's time for the pears to go home now.

(For the record, said bottle was from the Revelry Winery of Walla Walla, Wash.)

The Many Vs. The Money

2011-12-15T16:36:00.000-08:00

Per the census, almost half of our fellow citizens are officially "low income" or live in poverty.

Six members of the Walton family have more income and assets than the bottom 30% of all Americans.

Newt Gingrich proposes a new income tax code giving us a choice of the current handful of brackets with a top end of 35% (would be 39% if the Bush cuts had expired on schedule) or a flat 15% (with a few less deductions). Gosh, what should I choose? It, of course, amounts to a big tax break for high income earners.

Robbie Portman wants to cut the corporate tax rate from 35% to 25%, even though many huge companies find ways to pay no corporate income tax whatsoever.

Completely impromptu, Mitt Romney offers Rick Perry a $10,000 bet, like he has it in his pants pocket (which he very well might).

To use the lexicon of the moment, all of this is a "disconnect" of epic proportions. It's populism vs. privilege. While so many -- too many -- struggle, there are those well-to-do few (one percent, perhaps?) who demand even more of the unfair advantages which they clearly do not need. And they seem to be blind to it all.

There have been moments in times past when certain societies have experienced similarly extreme concentrations of wealth and power in the hands of a tiny, unsympathetic minority. Faced with such aristocratic oligarchs, the historical remedy for this serious malady has been . . . Lexington and Concord, 1775; Paris, 1789; Moscow, 1917 . . . and so on and so forth.

I'm not saying we're gonna have another American Revolution, or that we should, or that I want one. But I'm just sayin' . . .